Sometimes it feels like our kids really donât care about school. Even when theyâre smart and underachieving, or especially when theyâre failing school, itâs not as simple as not caring about school.
A Shift in Collyns’ Approach to Schoolwork
Collyns, who is in fourth grade, shows no enthusiasm for school and learning. We knew it was important to address the problem head on. Recently, we attended her parent-teacher conference. She is doing fine in most subjectsâexcept math. We wanted to see what her teacher was observing in the classroom.
She has never been an A+ student, but she has always tried her best. Lately, however, she does her work for completion points and doesnât seem to care if itâs done correctly. She isnât asking for help at school or at home if she does not understand the problem. She takes some steps to solving the problem, but if she doesnât know what to do next, she stops and says itâs complete even though itâs not done correctly.
How to Turn Resistance into Positive Motivation
The teacher told us that the important thing to remember is that Collyns is motivated. Sheâs just motivated to resist us and others when she does not want to do something. The key is to learn how to turn her negative motivation into a positive one. That’s why we worked together with her teacher to address the early signs of motivation problems and discussed how to provide a better learning environment for Collyns.
Timing Is Key
One thing we realized is that we ask our children to do their homework right after schoolâbefore we get home and the chaos of practices begin. Collyns always has her homework completed, but neither Mitch nor I check to see if itâs done correctly. This has now changed. One of us will look it over and see if she has done it correctly and help her if she hasnât.
Build a Support System
Next, she asks her older brother, Cohen, to help her with the homework she does not understand. Cohen didnât have a problem in math. He continues to excel and gets his homework done correctly most of the time. Fortunately, he understands her math homework and is willing to help her problem solve.
The motivation is to do things her way, not ours. The motivation is to retain power. Her motivation stems from not knowing what to do next. Now that we have a system in place, when she gets stuck, she has an outlet in her brother.
Praise the Process, Not the Result
Lastly, we started praising her hard work, not just her overall grades. Instead of rewarding her grades, our reward comes in the form of verbal encouragement, praise, hugs and other positive attentionâagain, not focused on grades, but rather on the learning process in general.
We now regularly ask her about what she is learning each day and engage with her when sheâs excited to tell us something about school. She seems to be doing better with her math homework and hopefully it will show on tests. I am thankful Cohen is willing and able to help her with her homework. We will continue to praise her for working hard and finding her motivation.
In addition to the time I devote to being a mom, I also work full-time outside the home, which means my day is hardly ever as simple as nine to five. With an all-too-established schedule, as soon as I walk through the door, my day doesnât end, but rather just begins. Itâs a balancing act, especially with two children, but being a mom is one full-time job that I never want to quit!
CapitalMOM approached us at the end of 2023 and asked us to create some content talking about motherhood, our motherhood journeys, and relatable conversations that we’ve experiencedâand continue to experienceâas moms that you’ve probably experienced as well.
In this, we want to invite you to be a part of this. Please share thoughts or ideas of topics that you would like to hear. And just know that we are in the throes of motherhood. We are in the real life-ness of it all. We’re so happy to be on this journey together and would love to have you be part of our mom tribe.
Get to Know Rachel & Ashlee
Let us introduce ourselves so you get to know us a bit more.
All About Rachel
I’m a mom of three. I have a six-year-old daughter named Ellie, a four-year-old son named Brecken, and a one-year-old named Finley. I grew up in Lincoln.
I went to Hawthorne, Leffler, and East High. I was a dancer, and I even danced in college. My husband is John. He’s a gymnastics coach for the men’s side at the University of Nebraska Lincoln (UNL). My kids take gymnastics once a week at Go Big Red, and they get to know the UNL gymnasts.
I taught health and PE for nearly nine years before I became a stay-at-home mom. I worked until my firstborn was two and a half, and it was hard. I felt like I was missing so many of her precious years and stages. I finally decided to become a stay-at-home mom when my son, Brecken, was born with a lung injury. And I’ve been a stay-at-home mom since. I love it. I think I love it so much more because I have the perspective of what it was like to be a working mom.
All About Ashlee
I have three kids as wellâEllie (nine), Anna (seven), and Levi (three). We are not from Nebraska originally. We lived in Utah and South Carolina before. My girls were born in South Carolina, but my littlest, Levi, was born in Nebraska.
My husband and I met at the hospital. He thought he was going to be a medical doctor. He decided to be a business doctor instead. But now, he works at UNL at the business college as a professor. I work at an OB/GYN clinic, still utilizing my nursing skills and getting out of the house routinely.
Our Monthly Glimmers & Dimmers
Each month, we’re going to share either a glimmer or a dimmer from something that just happened recently in our lives.
Rachel’s February Glimmer
My daughter Ellie has a lot of passions and always wants to do things. She comes up with new ideas all the time. Sometimes, I can make them happen, but sometimes I just can’t because there are only so many hours in a day.
Last Friday, she came home from school with a book about tea parties. She wanted to have a tea party, make at least three different creations from this book and invite her friends. So, on Saturday afternoon, we made sponge cake and she asked me if I had texted her friends. I hadn’t yet.
On Sunday morning, she asked me again, “Have you texted my friends?” I said no again. But finally I asked Ashlee’s husband, “Is there any way Anna could come over for a tea party today?” And he responded, “Yes!”
So it happened. Anna, our neighbor, my son and another friend were my daughter’s four guests at this adorable little tea party. We set up the living room all fancy. Everybody arrived dressed up. It was the cutest thing ever to see all the little kids at the tea party and making her dream come true over such a short period of time. It felt like such a ray of sunshine seeing them sitting around our dining room table pouring tea.
Ashlee’s February Dimmer
My dimmer happened this morning as I was getting ready. My little guy, who is three, is playing in the tub playing with color-change cars as I’m putting on my makeup. I look over and I see he’s squatting. He looks down and says, “Mom, I just pooped in the bath.”
Oh, the very realness of toddlers and motherhood. I had cleanup duties. Even though I don’t have a dog, I was cleaning up as if I did. I don’t need more chaos with a puppy or another kid right now. I’m just trying to survive now.
How Did Rachel & Ashlee Meet?
Ashlee grew up on a farm and was feeling homesick. So, her family found a cute little place called Little Red Farm just outside of town with a children’s story time. During story time, Ashlee notices that her daughter is playing with another little girl., so she strikes up a conversation with that girl’s mom.
We put ourselves out there a little bit. We started chatting and learned that our husbands, both named John, both worked at UNL. Our oldest daughters were both named Ellie. We lived three minutes away from each other. So then we just asked, “Do you want to be friends?”
Now, after three years of knowing each other, our kids are best friends. Seeing how God orchestrated our friendship is amazing. It’s really rare to find someone who you get along with, your husbands get along, our kids get along and we live close. That doesn’t happen very often, which is why we feel really grateful to have found it in each other.
Hardships in Finding Friends as a Mom
Starting From Scratch
Trying to make friends in a new place is really tough. Sure, it’s exciting with all of the newness and adrenaline. But when Ashlee moved to Nebraska, it was a clean slateâno family, no friends and no safety net. But she knew that having other mothersâother women, not just momsâthat supported her and that she felt like she could have something to offer to them was really valuable. Even if you haven’t moved out of state, it can be difficult for moms who lost touch with high school friends and had college friends move back to where they came from.
Exhaustion & Rejection
Meeting new people is almost like datingâfriendship dating. There’s a very genuine exhaustion of putting yourself out there and wondering, “Are you going to be my friend? Are we going to jive? Do we have the same parenting styles? Will our husbands get along? Are our kids going to like each other?” With so many unknowns, it can be kind of exciting in some ways, but very tiring.
No Bonding Activities
It’s especially difficult meeting fellow parents when your kids are little. Instead of having sporting events or extracurriculars as the catalyst for bringing everyone together, you’re the one creating all of the experiences. Ashlee’s kids were four and two when they first moved here.
Encouragement for Building Your Mom Tribe
We both have an amazing mom tribe. If we go out of town, we have people to watch our kids and rely on. But we worked so hard to make it happen. Here’s what we did that worked.
Be Vulnerable
You have to put yourself out there to make friends as an adult. Though it’s not easy, no matter what phase of life you’re in, you have to just do it because otherwise it’s not going to happen.
We used to go to a lot of places where we’d see cute moms that we’d like to talk to because they looked like people we’d be friends with. But many times, we’d just say hello and not take it any further than that. Until we met. We were clearly both in need of a mom friend. That interaction inspired both of us to not be afraid to approach people.
If your kids are playing with somebody and that mom looks relatable, go up and introduce yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask for their phone numberâthe really scary part.
Stay Persistent
Just remember that there’s really nothing to lose. You try it. If it doesn’t work out, no problem. If you try it and it does, you might have lasting friendship. Maybe you get three numbers but they don’t respond to you. That’s okay. They might not be in the place to accept new friends yet. But one of those times, it will work out and you’ll feel like you’re in the right place. There’s even a chance that they’re the one to reach out first, and that means a lot when you’re the one doing a lot of reaching out.
Look for the Good in Others
There are just so many good people out there. If moving around has taught me anything, it’s that there are just so many good people out there. Everyone has something to teach youâabout others or about yourself. You’ll meet them.
Find Your Ride-or-Die
There are different levels of friendshipsâtopical friendships and deep friendships. You need to have at least one person that will drop everything and be there for you. Someone that’s going to meet you where you are. Someone that picks up the slack when you’re feeling blah.
Encourage More Than One Mother Figure
My daughter, Anna, came to me once and said, “Mom, I have three moms. I have you, Rachel and another mom in our neighborhood.”
I said, “That’s great!” And she respond, “I think you’re my favorite.”
After that, I was a little hurt. But I didn’t need to be. It’s a blessing that she feels comfortable enough with two other adults in my life that she knows she could go to them as if they were her mom. I’m so glad that my daughter has other female figures in her life because I’m just one person with strengths and weaknesses of my own. She’s going to learn things from them that I can’t teach her, and they’re going to give her so much extra love. I will never be sad about that.
You don’t need to do motherhood alone. Come join our village exactly as you are.
Ashlee Hendricks
Real Life Conversations Host
I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.
As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so we’ve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that you’ll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!
I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives. My husband, John, is a men’s gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.
Whether it’s a snow day home from school, an unexpected business meeting, or a childcare arrangement that fell through, there probably will be times when Iâll need to leave my child home alone. It’s natural for parents to worry when first leaving kids without supervision, but here’s what you can do to prepare your kids for staying home alone.
Is My Child Ready to Stay Home Alone?
Did you know thereâs no hard age for leaving your kids home alone in Nebraska? Everyone says it depends on the child and how responsible they are, but it can be hard to know when kids are ready to handle being home alone. It comes down to your judgment about what your child is ready for.
My kids are at that age where itâs questionable. My son is almost 13 and my daughter is almost 10. My brother used to watch me while my parents were away at that age. It was a nightmare for me, and I didnât want that for my daughter. Granted, Cohen is nothing like my brother, but they still argue and fight.
Every child is different, but I worried that my kids didn’t have the maturity and skills to respond to an emergency if they’re alone. However, my son said he was ready, and my daughter was okay with it.
Practicing Home-Alone Trials
We decided to do some practice runs, or home-alone trials, before we left for the evening. We let them stay home alone for 30 minutes while we ran to the store and were easily reachable.
When we returned, we talked about how it went and the things that we needed to change or skills that Cohen might need to learn for the next time. We discussed a plan for if he needed to get himself and his sister out of the house, which neighbor they should go to first, second and third.
Our Rules for a Successful Home-Alone Routine
Before my husband and I left for a couple hours with friends, we set ground rules:
No opening the front door.
Only let the dog out the back.
No going outside.
No using the stove or ovenâthey knew what meals and snacks were available, instead.
Donât tell anyone, including your friends, you are home alone.
Donât ignore your sister.
Cohen is in charge, but if there’s a problem, call or text me, grandma, and/or 911 in case of an emergency.
We also scheduled a check-in call. We made sure Cohen understood when we were available and when we might not be able to answer a call. We created a list of friends and family he could call or things he could do if they got lonely. We gave them all the electronics.
Finally, we stay consistent. We’re never gone for more than a couple hours. We are never more than 20 minutes away. And they will never be left alone overnight. We set a schedule and stick to it.
My Takeaway: Staying Home Alone Is Empowering My Kids
My son handled it well. Staying home alone was a positive experience for him, giving him a sense of self-confidence and independence. So, cover your bases and relax. With the right preparation and some practice, you and your child will get comfortable with home-alone days in no time!
In addition to the time I devote to being a mom, I also work full-time outside the home, which means my day is hardly ever as simple as nine to five. With an all-too-established schedule, as soon as I walk through the door, my day doesnât end, but rather just begins. Itâs a balancing act, especially with two children, but being a mom is one full-time job that I never want to quit!
Happenstance. I was mindlessly scrolling through Twitter eight years ago when I came across a tweet seeking ideas for a mom in the Lincoln, Nebraska area. I sent off a direct message, and a month later, my blogging journey began.
Growing Alongside Us
For eight years, I have been blogging for CapitalMOM. Eight years of sharing my family’s story with you, my readers. You have watched as our oldest daughter grew from a freshman into a young woman planning her wedding. You have watched our senior daughter grow from a stubborn, creative little girl to a young woman who is determined and passionate about her beliefs and values. You have watched our freshman son grow from a courageous kid I only wanted to protect from everything into one of the kindest souls with the most infectious smile you will ever meet. You have watched me doubt my parenting, struggle with grief, share joyâor cryâover the new stages of life, teach accountability and inspire our kids to do good in our world.
Thank you doesnât justify the feelings going through my heart right now. You, my readers, have been part of our familyâs story. Before blogging every month, I prayed for my fingers to pen a story that would impact just one of you. However, I believe I was impacted the most. As I continued writing this portion of my story, I changed for the better. Because of you, I am a better mom, wife, friend, teacher and person. No matter the thoughts flowing from my heart to the keyboard, I knew somewhere, somehow one of my readers would be inspired, and this encouraged me to better my writing and my story. We may never cross physical paths. However, I blogged to share our story to inspire you.
My Son’s First Wrestling Win
In my final blog, I want to share a paragraph our son wrote after his first-ever wrestling win. I ran across this letter while cleaning our kitchen this summer. This letter is nearly ten years old, and the message is stronger today than ever.
“This was my first year of wrestling, and I wanted to win a match for my dad. It took a lot of practice and effort, but it was worth it. I was wrestling a Waverly kid, and my dad was trying to take pictures of the first and second periods I was in my stance. The Waverly kid and I got up. I took a shot. I had the Waverly kid on his back during that time. I got back points as the time ran out. I won my match. My dad was so happy. I learned never to give up, even when you think you will lose a match.”
Always Be in Someone’s Corner
The point of sharing this isn’t the last sentence, but the part where my husband was there with the camera. My husband was in our sonâs corner that day. And he noticed. I hope you’re always in someone’s corner. Whoever that person may be for you, whatever they may need (love, discipline, encouragement), always, always show up in their corner.
Thank you CapitalMOM and thank you to my readers. You all have a special place in my heart, and know I will always be in your corner because you were in mine for eight years.
My husband and I have three kids. Our oldest is a freshman in high school, and our youngest is in second grade. Most days, I feel like we are a âtag-team chauffeuringâ service, yet I wouldnât have our life any other way. Not only I am a business/technology teacher at Milford, I am also the district technology integration specialist. I love teaching because I get the opportunity to make those around me better. My hope is that, through my blogging, I am able to inspire, encourage, and share with you my adventures of being a wife, mother, and professional.
As a mother, I’ve experienced the joys and challenges of raising a daughter, watching her transform from a tiny bundle of joy into a remarkable young woman. It’s a journey filled with precious moments and bittersweet transitions, a constant dance between cherishing the past and embracing the future. Life paused me in my busyness this week and gave me much-needed quiet moments with my family.
A Fond Farewell to Childhood
Sometimes, I miss my daughter. I miss her bouncy, tight curls. Now, I see her in front of her mirror, perfectly assembling a low bun or braid. I miss the little girl, but I love the young woman she is becoming.
Sometimes, I miss the many colorful tutus. Now I see her wearing jeans, a button-down farm shirt and OnClouds. I miss the little girl, but I love the young woman she is becoming.
Sometimes, I miss the little girl running to me with a nail polish bottle. Now I see her eyes light up when she has perfectly manicured nails. I miss the little girl, but I love the young woman she is becoming.
Sometimes, I miss her holding her hands wide open for her dad and me to move her, as she was too lazy to crawl. Now, she is my chauffeur. I miss the little girl, but I love the young woman she is becoming.
Sometimes, I miss her stubbornness. Now, I see determination. I see someone passionate about pursuing her goals. I miss the little girl, but I love the young woman she is becoming.
My Journey Towards Letting Go
I texted Addi, âI have decided I do not want you to graduate high school.â
I am a selfish mom. I donât want that little girl I dearly miss, who is growing into an amazing young woman, to leave home.
I start to cry. I miss the little girl, the one I could protect, the one I laid next to all those nights when she couldn’t sleep, the one who gave the best squishy hugs, the one I showed all of lifeâs simple wonders to.
I cry because I know I am selfish. I cry because she is graduating high school. I cry because the best is yet to come for her. That is all my husband and I have ever prayed forâthat the best life will come after our kids leave our home. We have taught them values, given them experiences and shown them to love life. When the day comes to move out, our hearts will be full.
I cannot guarantee I wonât miss the little girl or the young woman Addi is becoming, but I can guarantee that I am excited about her next chapter. And I will cry because the best is still yet to come.
My husband and I have three kids. Our oldest is a freshman in high school, and our youngest is in second grade. Most days, I feel like we are a âtag-team chauffeuringâ service, yet I wouldnât have our life any other way. Not only I am a business/technology teacher at Milford, I am also the district technology integration specialist. I love teaching because I get the opportunity to make those around me better. My hope is that, through my blogging, I am able to inspire, encourage, and share with you my adventures of being a wife, mother, and professional.
Nothing makes you feel older than listening to preteens speak. From eye rolls, grunts and slamming doors to unexpected hugs, tweens and teens are hard to predict and understand at times. They are talking slang and the meanings have changed just to keep us on our toes. From music to social media, there are many outlets constantly creating new slang terms. But what happens when we canât translate the actual words they are saying?
Learning New Slang
“Slay”, “Rizz”, “Glizzy” and “Bop”. These are only a few terms my middle schooler uses in his daily vocabulary. Slang words are constantly evolving, and it can be difficult for parents like me to keep up. As a parent, it is important to be aware of the language your children are using to communicate with their peers.
The other day, after watching a YouTube video about slang kids are using these days, I realized that maybe not all moms and dads of preteens know what the heck their kids are saying when they are talking or texting. They speak in code you know? Not that Iâm an expert but, unlike most parents who donât actually work in social media, I do know some things. FYI, fleek is no longer on fleek so keep that phrase out of your mouth.
Slang words can have different meanings depending on the context in which they are used. As a parent, itâs important to understand the context in which these words are being used and to have an open and honest conversation with your kids about them. Using slang words can be fun and a way to connect with your kids, but itâs also important to use them appropriately. Using slang words in the wrong context or using them too frequently can come across as inauthentic and may even cause your kids to feel embarrassed or annoyed.
Keeping Communication Open
For me, itâs easy to overreact when I hear Cohen using slang words that I donât understand or that I perceive as inappropriate. I try to remember that itâs important to remain calm and to have a conversation with him about why he is using the words and what they mean. Jumping to conclusions or punishing him for using slang language may cause him to shut down and may make it harder to communicate in the future. Cohen and I have a pretty open relationship. He still likes me on most days. Though that is not my main concern in parenting, Iâd love it if one day we could be friends but for now, Iâm his mom. I am still trying to understand preteen slang meaning. This will not only help me communicate with him, but it will also help me keep up with whatâs going on in his life.
Communication between us is an ongoing process with a variety of styles and mixed results. And no matter how hard I try, there will be times when my kids feel understandably misunderstood.
My attempts to have ongoing communication with my children is a bumpy ride. The best I can do is offer a safe place for them to tell me their stories and share what’s important to themâeven if it’s a video game or anime series that is not in my wheelhouse of solitaire and Hallmark movies.
I am embracing the fact that language is changing, and my children bring creativity and innovation to my daily life.
In addition to the time I devote to being a mom, I also work full-time outside the home, which means my day is hardly ever as simple as nine to five. With an all-too-established schedule, as soon as I walk through the door, my day doesnât end, but rather just begins. Itâs a balancing act, especially with two children, but being a mom is one full-time job that I never want to quit!
If it seems as if your tween knows far more at nine than you did, thatâs probably because she does. Kids today grow up faster than ever before. Perhaps the greatest irony is that while my kids seem more mature earlier, I’m trying to stay young. 40 is the new 30 and 50 is the new 40. At the rate my tweens are growing up and Iâm trying not to, I’ll seem the same age as them in no time.
Self-Image at the In-Between Age
My daughter is at an age when sheâs not a kid anymore, but sheâs also not a teen yet either. Caring a lot about hair and makeup and how she looks is normal at her age.
In todayâs culture when kidsâeven young kidsâare bombarded with images in the media about whatâs considered beautiful and cool, itâs hard for them not to be concerned with how they look. Unfortunately, these images in the media are often suggestive and provocative.
Marketing & Media’s Influence on Tween Fashion
Todayâs tweens often dress as if they are older. This is due in great part to marketers and manufacturers. Walk into any store targeted at tweens and you may be shocked by the clothing selection. The apparel often mimics adult selections in miniature sizes.
My children also have far more access to the media. As a result, they’re more exposed to celebrity fashion, and they covet what they see. Marketers argue that they’re simply providing what the public wants. But with little else available, are my tweens really being given much choice? During the tween years, my kids are so focused on what others think that they will quickly grab onto the newest trend.
A Mismatch Between Appearance & Maturity
Tweens who dress older and act older sometimes send the message that they can think older. This, however, is far from true. The tween brain lacks the capacity to truly understand the potential consequences of acting older.
I know that by focusing on her appearance and her style, sheâs trying to figure out who she is. I try to remind myself that this is normal for her age. It’s a way for her to âtry onâ different identities or personalities to figure out which feels just right to her. That doesnât mean that everything she chooses to wear is age appropriate, so I set limits.
How I Empower My Tween to Make Age-Appropriate Choices
Because technology has opened the world wider for my child, it’s up to me to set reasonable expectations about who she is and how much she really knows.
I started voicing my concerns about her outfits and expressed to her that she is beautiful without makeup. I tell her that itâs normal to try on different styles to figure out what feels right, and I want her to express herself within reason.
But I have rules. Sheâs not allowed to leave the house wearing crop tops and body shorts to school. Instead, I suggested she âplay dress upâ within the comfort and privacy of our own home but not wear those articles of clothing in public. I explain to her that itâs important to wear clothes that arenât too revealing because it shows that she respects her body and that others should, too.
I also try to compromise when I can. I took her back-to-school shopping to find new clothes that she thought were cool and I thought were appropriate for her to wear. I am the parent, so I get to decide what clothes I will buy her.
Ultimately, I want to empower her. She might disagree with what I am saying, and thatâs okay. I learn a lot when I seek her opinion and listen to everything she’s heard and seen about the topic. Collyns is strong-minded, but she looks to me for support and guidance. I respond with structure, predictability and the guidelines that she needs to navigate the world.
When I treat my children like children, they are more likely to act that way. By allowing my tweens to dress and act their real age, I can ensure that their short childhoods stay sweet.
Mallory Connelly
Babies & Toddlers
In addition to the time I devote to being a mom, I also work full-time outside the home, which means my day is hardly ever as simple as nine to five. With an all-too-established schedule, as soon as I walk through the door, my day doesnât end, but rather just begins. Itâs a balancing act, especially with two children, but being a mom is one full-time job that I never want to quit!
We recently returned from a family vacation. There were eight of us crammed into one car to see Mount Rushmore. It was on that trip when I realized that my kids were cool and fun to hangout with. They’re at a great age where we can sit and enjoy their company. It made me ask myself, “Why canât my kids be my friends?”
Balancing Parenthood & Friendship
Many parents, myself included, are concerned about being their childâs friend. But my mom is my best friend. However, she wasnât my best friend until I became an adult. She was a parent first.
With my preteen son, he’s at the age where he needs me to be a parent first, too. I want him to feel comfortable talking to me, but I know if I were to put our friendship first, establishing myself as an authority figure would be difficult. I don’t want him questioning my rules and boundaries. That’s why, for now, I’m his friendly parent. Besides, I know he has friends his own age to listen to him if he’s not comfortable talking with me.
Setting Boundaries for Healthy Parent-Child Relationships
That isn’t to say that we canât have fun together. We love playing board games and mini golf. Iâve just always believed that the goal of parenting is to create independent adults. If I do this well, I think I’ll also create the kind of adults I enjoy spending time with and would select to be my friends.
I will always be friendly and enjoy hanging out with my son regardless of his age. I’ll show him love, guidance and leadership. I simply want to behave as a parent and lay a solid foundation for a healthy friendship with him when he is an adult.
Though I may live in denial about it, the day will come when my children move out and make their own homes, growing into lives of their own. I know as he gets older that his parenting needs will change, likely requiring less rule-setting. That’s when I can start acting more like a friend.
Embracing My Role as the Uncool Mom
I’m no expert, just a mom lucky enough to have children she likes and wants to be around. For the moment, they want to be around me as well. I canât imagine a closer bond and a greater gift! So, I will assume my role as strictly a mom throughout their teen years. As that role often involves, I’ll set limits my children probably aren’t going to like. But that’s okay because I’ve never wanted to be a cool parent. I just want my kids to grow into good, responsible people.
In addition to the time I devote to being a mom, I also work full-time outside the home, which means my day is hardly ever as simple as nine to five. With an all-too-established schedule, as soon as I walk through the door, my day doesnât end, but rather just begins. Itâs a balancing act, especially with two children, but being a mom is one full-time job that I never want to quit!
I previously shared that I don’t like one of my sonâs friends very much. This friend was not very nice to my daughter, and his attitude towards me was mildly irritating. I found this friend annoying because heâs loud, destructive and obviously had never been taught to say please or thank you. It also made me worry that this friend may be a bad influence on Cohen.
Balancing Honesty & Sensitivity in Unhealthy Friendships
Cohen finally started to experience the negative attitude of this person that others warned him about. He wanted to stop hanging out with this person, but I don’t know how to kindly explain to his mother why Cohen is distancing himself from their child.
Over the last couple of weeks, his friendâs mom kept asking if Cohen was available to hang out. I kept making up excuses about why he was busy. I didn’t want to have a conversation or a confrontation, but do I continue to make up excuses until she hopefully realizes that Cohenâs not interested? Or do Cohen and I choose to ghost him and his mother?
In a perfect world, my son would be able to confront anyone, at any time, to tell them how they offended him. In a perfect would, I’d chat with his mother without her getting offended.
In the real world, his parents might be upset and Cohen truly feels that talking to this person wouldn’t improve the situation. He recognizes that their friendship isnât worth saving. So why waste the time and energy?
Relationships of all kinds can be messy, weird and complicated, so I’m not here to judge what you decide is best if you’re in a similar situation.
How to Kindly Break Up With Friends
During the school year, Cohen has a different friend group and soccer friends. But during the summer, the boy he wants to distance himself from lives in the neighborhood. It’s convenient for them to hang out. Considering all this, here’s how I kindly removed ourselves from the friendship by acting like Casper and ghosting away.
First, Cohen and I had a long conversation about this friend. I told him to remember that heâs never required to be anybodyâs friend but that he still needs to be kind to everyone. If a friend is being too demanding without showing up for him when he needs it, he needs to set boundaries. He should never sacrifice his comfort or get stressed out to âprove himselfâ as a real friend. The trick is finding balance by having a healthy, trusting friendship.
Then, after my conversation with Cohen, we stopped replying to texts, calls and comments. Getting rid of an unhealthy influence will help him to identify similar people in the future. Unfortunately, heâll most likely have to go through a friendship dump multiple times in his life, but at least heâll know how to deal with it better the second time around.
Embracing Selective Friendships as Self Care
While we both feel guilty after ghosting him and his mom, the truth is that my son needs friendships, just not all of them. Some friends are there for a certain time, while others will stick around forever. I told him that he can appreciate the good things about the person while freeing himself from the bad things at the same time.
Again, I reminded him to send love and light to the person and let them go. I want Cohen to surround himself with good people who will lift him up and support him. Ghosting can be an act of self-care.
In addition to the time I devote to being a mom, I also work full-time outside the home, which means my day is hardly ever as simple as nine to five. With an all-too-established schedule, as soon as I walk through the door, my day doesnât end, but rather just begins. Itâs a balancing act, especially with two children, but being a mom is one full-time job that I never want to quit!
Youâre either strict or youâre not, with very little consideration for the large grey area in between. If you could place these two descriptions on a parenting scale, you might see âstrictâ at the same end as authoritarian and ânon-strictâ at the same end as permissive.
Transitioning From a Strict Parenting Style
I am a strict parent, but there are several reasons why I decided to re-evaluate my parenting style. Every parent wants the best for their child, and it’s this desire to keep kids safe and healthy that fuels my rule-setting and need for control. But changing the parenting style that my family was already adjusted to was not an easy task. It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting for both parents and children as we navigate the transition.
I realized that I needed to lighten up my parenting style when âthe good child,â Cohen asked for something and I immediately said no. He has never done anything to make me question his intent or actions. But I work in the media and think the worst of every possible situation. So, when he asked me if he could walk to Scheels after school with his friends, there was no discussion. It was a flat, hard no. Later, I started wondering if I was being unreasonable, too strict. He is 12 years old, and my gut said, “No, thatâs way too young to walk.” There are a lot of reasons why I shouldnât have let him go, but at what age do I give a little and stop being the strict parent?
Our Conversation with the “Good Cop”
Before my immediate no, I should have asked questions and allowed him to justify why he should go, but he asked me over the phone while I was at work, so I was short with him. I ended the conversation with, âWe will discuss this at home with dad.â It wasn’t his favorite response, but usually dad is more lenient and open to his ideas.
When we arrived home, we talked. Dad was, of course, okay with the idea, but I still had some reservations. I hated the idea of him walking across a busy street to get to the store. I had never met these friends from school he was going with, and none of this sounded like a good idea. But dad thought we needed to trust him.
The Importance of Unified Parenting
It’s not uncommon for mothers and fathers to be on opposite sides of the “firmness fence,” each convinced that the other is doing it wrong or one person needs to give in. This leads to inconsistencies, mixed messages about rules and the undermining of each other’s authority. This can breed dishonesty, deceit and manipulation within children. Therefore, it is particularly important that we as parents are united in our approach to these issues and compromise.
So, with stipulations, we agreed to let him go. He needed to put his phone away while walking. He had to pay attention to cars and traffic. He had to FaceTime me when he arrived at Scheels. And lastly, he needed to be respectful to the employees and other customers in the store. I was still a nervous wreck the entire time I knew he was not at home or with an adult, but we agreed to allow him this independence.
Striving for Best Parenting Practices
The discussion and compromise showed follow-through and consistency, which are vital for heathy parenting. I was proud of the way Mitch and I handled the situation. We didnât undermine each other. We listened and came together on a united front. This allowed me to be a little less strict. Until Cohen violates our trust, we will continue being negotiable with certain things. I feel like these are some of the elements of best parenting practices.
It’s important to remember that just because you are the stricter parent, it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad one. Strict parents create rules and boundaries to protect their children in a way that they believe will help guide them to success. If you’re looking to make changes to your parenting style or parent-child relationship, adopting some elements of easygoing parenting can be helpful. Creating an environment that balances both love and support and boundaries is very beneficial to our entire family.
In addition to the time I devote to being a mom, I also work full-time outside the home, which means my day is hardly ever as simple as nine to five. With an all-too-established schedule, as soon as I walk through the door, my day doesnât end, but rather just begins. Itâs a balancing act, especially with two children, but being a mom is one full-time job that I never want to quit!
Politics. Some people say itâs a naughty word. Others say itâs our nationâs most popular sport. Some people are conservative, some are liberal. While others look at issues, legislative bills and the law independently to make decisions regarding the issue and the impact on all citizens. Some say politics save us, and others say politics destroy us. We all think differently, which makes it interesting.
Lifelong Passion For Politics & Empathy
Iâve always been political, ever since I had friends who were sent to fight in Vietnam. After a classmateâs death, the whole concept of speaking to power became engrained in me and is now part of my personality. That, coupled with Title IX, had something to do with also forming the personality I now possess. Iâve turned into a grandma who wants to help everyone in need.
Iâve always tried to share my opinions with the grandkids without telling them what to do and what not to do. Thatâs their parents’ job, not mine. Now my grandkids are of voting age, so I remind them to investigate the candidates, pick their choice and vote. I would love to tell them how to vote, but I know better.
I let the grandkids know when Iâm making calls with a phonebank, knocking on doors, putting up yard signs and writing postcards. They usually donât respond or they will send me a smiley note. I have no idea if they actually read it, but Iâm hoping theyâll eventually catch on.
Events of the Ralph Yarl Shooting
The other day, one of my grandkids gave me a call and told me I should look into the Ralph Yarl shooting in Kansas City. Ralph was a 16-year-old who was picking up his younger siblings from their friend’s house. He thought he had the correct address and went to the door to get his brothers. Unfortunately, he was on the wrong street. When he knocked on the door, the homeowner was frightened and shot Ralph through the glass door. Ralph struggled to his feet and went to several other homes seeking help. Finally, someone called the police. Ralph was transported to the hospital, where he was treated and released after several days.
I asked my granddaughter if she knew the area where the shooting occurred. She indicated it wasnât close to her apartment, but one of her friends lived very close. I asked her if she was frightened, and she said no but wanted me to help bring an awareness to others and get involved in important, life or death issues.
Taking a Stand For Gun Control
Since I talked to her earlier this week, Iâve thought more about her request. We have homicides in Lincoln, but Iâve always thought of them as people who were angry with each other. But I checked the Lincoln and Nebraska statistics about hate crimes. They are certainly here. Lincoln and Nebraska are not immune. So I started calling my state legislator and asked about his views on gun control. He does not seem to believe in gun control. He wants anyone, anywhere to have quick access to their favorite firearm.
I called my granddaughter and told her Iâve found my new cause, which may give her some motivation to do the same. If nothing else, I know sheâll read my new questions and comments about getting involved.
Two days later, she sent me a video as she marched through downtown Kansas City and protested. I guess grandkids are always listening, and they will act when the topic hits home. Weâll always be connected!
I have four grandchildren ages 14-17. In some ways, Iâm a very typical grandma, always proud of everything the kids do and wanting to help support them in whatever way I can. In other ways, Iâm not very typical. My goal as a blogger is to share my thoughts and experiences that I think are funny and meaningful as I adventure through grandmahood.
Every child deserves to go to school in a safe, warm and loving environment that fosters learning. Every staff member deserves to go to work and not fear for their lives. The images are heart-wrenching, the loss of life incomprehensible. Talking to your children about what they’ve seen or heard may not be easy, but it’s necessary.
Safety Plans for Emergencies at School
Most schools have lockdown drills and lockout drills. Children are practicing for this very reason. Guns in schools should never happen, but itâs becoming more and more of a reality. I have two kids, a 9-year-old and almost 12-year-old. These shootings hit home even in Nebraska. I canât leave them to figure this out alone. I want to be right there with them having tough conversations about complicated feelings and possible questions.
It’s common for parents to be nervous for conversations about tragedy. I started by asking an open-ended question, like “How do you feel about this?” or “What questions do you have about that event?”
My son just asked, “Why would anyone kill a child?” I used simple words to explain that some people are cruel but most of the time those people are confused or having mental health issues. Then I sat back and just listened to my children.
I noticed what they were not saying, too. I read their nonverbal body language. My daughter was fidgety and tearful. I just wanted to snuggle her up, love both of them and never let go. My goal was to provide comfort and reassurance by being there.
Ways to Comfort Without White Lies
My husband told me that it’s important not to lie to them. I wanted to tell them that something like this will never happen in Lincoln or in their school, but I couldnât. It could happen here, so all I could do was validate their feelings of being afraid and reassure them that the drills they are doing are to protect them if something does happen. I emphasized that schools are safe and to take safety practices seriously.
I also told them that if they see something out of the ordinary happening in school to say something. I wanted to make sure they were comfortable reporting potential problems or behaviors that make them feel uncomfortable or unsafe in their school. This could be about gun violence, bullying, or any other at-risk behavior.
Emotional Control & Empowerment Strategies
We worked together on strategies that I hope will help them feel safe and empowered while they process their emotions. Teaching them coping techniques like breathing deeply, taking a timeout, exercising or engaging in creative activities like art and music can be helpful tools to draw upon when they experience triggers related to school shootings. My husband is better at this than I am, but I also tried to model empathy and self-care by practicing what I preached. The goal was to help them gain personal strength so they can face the difficult reality in ways that promote healing rather than cause further harm.
Even with these conversations, I reminded myself that I needed to be patient. Even if they weren’t in that school or that community, they may still be having a significant response to it. I was. There needs to be a change, but for now, I encourage you all to have those difficult conversations and hug your kiddos tight.
In addition to the time I devote to being a mom, I also work full-time outside the home, which means my day is hardly ever as simple as nine to five. With an all-too-established schedule, as soon as I walk through the door, my day doesnât end, but rather just begins. Itâs a balancing act, especially with two children, but being a mom is one full-time job that I never want to quit!