Being a mom to Ayan and Jordan is the best part of my life. Ayan is six and Jordan is about to turn four and they are truly the best thing since sliced bread. Motherhood fills me with a kind of joy I never knew existed. Cheerleader, coach, snack-getter, boo-boo fixer, list-maker, planner of fun and popsicle supplier (so many popsicles!) – I wear many hats, and I love them all – oh, and I also work full-time. It’s a lot. But I am grateful to have an amazing husband by my side to keep it all running and to be able to experience the secondary joy of motherhood – watching him be Dad.
Ayan’s Birth: Beautiful and Scary
Ayan was born in 2019 after almost 24 hours of labor. I was sick, exhausted and narrowly avoided an emergency c-section. Right before delivering Ayan, I remember a team of people rushed into the room. I cried. It was overwhelming and terrifying. Thankfully, after two more pushes, Ayan arrived. The moment I heard him cry, my worry melted away. Minutes after his arrival, when he was on the other side of the room with the nurses, my husband, Ameer, rolled his chair over and started talking to him. He couldn’t wait a second longer to hold his son. Ayan heard his voice, scanned the room and locked eyes with Dad – it was as if they were staring into each other’s souls. The connection was like no other and I knew in that moment, we had just received God’s greatest gift of becoming parents.
But joy quickly turned to concern. Ayan was cold and after attempts to warm him, he was taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). Just like that he was gone from our room.
My routine became sleep, breastfeed, pump, repeat. Ayan was hooked up to monitors and spent time in an isolette. I found it hard to bond with him. I felt like a stranger to my own baby. My husband, Ameer, was a rock. He changed every diaper, gave Ayan his first bath and even helped finger-feed him while I was still mastering breastfeeding.
No Playbook For Motherhood; Asking For Help is Hard
When we finally got home, things weren’t easy for me. I felt numb, unsure of how to care for Ayan. I didn’t feel like myself. I would cry for seemingly no reason – even in public. How could I be upset when we had such a beautiful gift? But day by day, with Ameer’s constant support, I found my rhythm. I became more connected to Ayan than I ever thought possible.
There’s no playbook for bringing a baby home or how to be a mother, but for some reason unbeknownst to me, I was unwilling to ask for help. I didn’t want advice from anyone and anytime it was given to me, I felt offended. Wow, I can’t believe I actually said that out loud. It sounds so awful. How could I be offended by people wanting to help and support me?! At the time, I thought being a “good mom” meant knowing it all and doing it all and that asking for help or support meant I was weak and couldn’t handle motherhood. I was wrong.
Jordan’s Birth: Easier, But Still Emotional
Jordan’s birth two years later was much smoother. Shorter labor, no NICU and we were home in under 48 hours. I remember the moment Jordan was delivered and laid on my chest, crying. He had a full head of dark hair like Dad, big eyes like Dad. It was magical. He took to breastfeeding within the hour, no issues, no pain for me; It was almost like he knew how badly I struggled previously with breastfeeding. It was a dream. It all felt like a breeze – until real life started again.
This time, I struggled with the baby blues and dividing my attention. I couldn’t always do the things I used to do with Ayan. I wanted to be everywhere at once – feeding Jordan, giving Ayan a bath, keeping up with all the routines. It wasn’t possible, and that was hard.
But this time, I did a better job opening up about my feelings. I talked to the people I trusted. I let them in. And it helped – so much. I allowed my village in emotionally, but I still wasn’t that accepting of parenting advice. What was my deal?
Healing Through My Work
In my job at Bryan, I spend much of my time supporting our birthplace team. I am beginning to think it was truly a God-moment that led me here and I say that for two reasons: First, being a mother myself I am very passionate about supporting and encouraging new parents and their babies. Second, I recently discovered that through my work I am healing.
I have learned that perinatal depression – which can happen during or after pregnancy – is the number one maternal health complication. It affects 1 in 7 women and 1 in 10 men. And do you know what I found out could be a risk factor? A traumatic birth experience. I know what you’re thinking because I thought the same thing. My birth experiences weren’t traumatic, I delivered (vaginally) two happy, healthy boys and Ayan was only in the NICU for four days. Wrong. But 24 hours of labor was traumatic. Narrowly avoiding a c-section, traumatic. A team of staff rushing into my room, traumatic. Ayan being taken to the NICU unexpectedly, traumatic. These were my very first experiences as a Mom and it turns out, leaving them (unknowingly) unresolved likely played a large role in the person I became when we returned home.
“Everyone’s Hard Is Hard”
I find it difficult to write about this, especially after spending time at work in the NICU, talking to parents who are actively going through it – with seemingly far more challenging situations than I had. But then I am reminded of what someone recently told me, “Everyone’s hard is hard”. So I will continue to heal through engaging with parents in the NICU when I am able and reminding them that their hard is hard, it’s okay to ask for help, you are not supposed to know it all, to love hard and share your feelings. And oh by the way – you just delivered a baby, you are quite literally a superhero.
Giving Myself Grace, Becoming Unapologetically Myself
It’s said that after giving birth, it can take a woman six months to heal her wounds, a year to recover physically, two years to balance her hormones and up to five years to rediscover her identity. Mind-blowing. Looking back, I experienced all of this on a similar timeline. As I enter the phase of rediscovering my identity, I will choose to carry forward my recent learnings. Asking for help and allowing others to share advice isn’t weakness – it’s wisdom. Healing takes time and I cannot change the past. I wish that I could have been more educated during my most vulnerable times to allow help and advice when needed, but I choose to continue sharing my story with others. Checking in on friends and family. Engaging with NICU families. And educating our community. And if I can help even one Mom or one Dad during their vulnerable and scary time, it will make my healing that much easier.
Being a Mom is incredible – sometimes messy, tiring and emotional, but with the chaos comes moments of pure magic and wonder: “Mom, can Dad stop a shark?” or “Mom, what happens if I swallow my gum?” or the sweet “Mom, watch this!”
As for me, as I approach 36 and the end of my postpartum journey, I am moving on with a full heart and committed to giving my family everything I have. I’ll pack coolers, cheer loud, read softly and do all that I can with what I know to shape my boys’ little minds. I know it won’t always be cuddles and bedtime stories – some days I am scrubbing pee off the toilet for the third time, reading ingredients like a detective, trying to cut out dyes and processed foods and reminding myself to drink water, get enough protein and somehow squeeze in exercise and my skincare routine. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything, and I will choose to do it with a blessed heart, an open mind and so many snacks! 😊
With my husband next to me, watching our boys grow and become kind, curious and strong little humans is the greatest privilege. It’s a huge job, but the ultimate gift.
To any parent reading this: You’re not alone. Your journey matters. Give yourself grace. And there are many great resources available to help you navigate.
Visit BryanHealth.org/MaternalMentalHealth to learn more about depression during pregnancy and after childbirth or to take a confidential, online screening.
Marissa Damanhoury
As a senior marketing specialist at Bryan Health, Marissa incorporates her past experience in restaurant marketing and staff development, to connect with internal staff, physicians, volunteers and the community to help improve the health and lives of others.
Core service lines include Obstetrics, Volunteers and Customer Care, Bryan Health ezVisit (virtual urgent care), Rural Services, and podcast development and promotion. Her natural curiosity and ability to place herself in the customer’s shoes, lead to innovative communications and solutions that really connect with her target audiences.
