A Helpful Parenting Phrase: Motion Changes Emotion

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Today, we’re going to talk about one phrase that actually helps in the moment. So, there are lots of phrases that we can hear sometimes – this one is motion changes emotion. We’re going to do our little glimmers and dimmers first, and then we’ll jump into that.

Rachel’s Dimmer

It’s been a tough parenting month for both of us. We’re just going to show up as we really are this month and not try to act like it was sunshine and rainbows. Yeah. And so for me, this month, my husband traveled a lot. He’s actually currently in Germany. And then he gets back, and he’s here for a day, and then he leaves on another trip. And so, it’s just been a lot of solo parenting, and it’s hard.

Like really, that’s just what it comes down to is it’s hard all by yourself. My mom comes over and helps a lot, as much as she can. But just so much of it’s falling on me. I feel like bedtime and morning time, getting to school, getting to bed, those times are tough. And just my heart goes out to anybody in this situation whose husband travels a lot, or single moms who are just trying to do it on their own all the time. It is really hard. And I see you. I feel you because I’ve been through it. And just relying on family and then really good friends to help you get through it when it can be hard.

Ashlee’s Dimmer

Absolutely. Yes. Our dimmer in my family was that my husband needed a quick emergency appendectomy. So that was a surprise. Just a few days ago. Yeah, we were like rolling through our week, the kids went to bed and by the time they woke up the next morning, I was like, so kids, we’re going to go see your dad. He just had a procedure.

Yeah. Yeah. So the amazing part of all of that was just how quickly the hospital was able to move through Bryan. And it was absolutely the best experience we could have possibly asked for as far as promptness and how they addressed the situation. And so cannot be any more grateful to the doctors and nurses that took care of Bryan that night, because he was only there a total of maybe 14 hours. I mean, literally, the kids didn’t even know he was gone until he was out of his surgery. So I was very, very grateful. And yeah, he’s recovering well. He has been a trooper. I know. I have to slow him down, actually.

 Rachel: We were joking, though, because when we got over, he’s walking kind of like a grandpa. So actually, quick shout out. Since my husband’s gone, all six of our kids combined are with him right now.

 Ashlee: But my oldest is also babysitting and so is my other kid. So I promise we’re not just like, here you go.

Rachel: Yeah, good luck, grandpa John. But on the way there, I warned my kids. I was like, now, just remember, his tummy is kind of sore, and he’s moving kind of slow. So be easy on him today. They’re like, OK!

Ashlee: I told my daughters today, I was like, you guys are stepping up to the plate today. Don’t let dad do anything he shouldn’t. So anyway, those were our dimmers for the month.

Rachel: Yeah, but as you can see, we’re trying to laugh and smile through them and find joy in life because there is so much joy. But also recognizing that things can be really hard.

Not-So-Helpful Parenting Phrases

So today, we’re going to talk about, like we said, motion changes emotion. And there’s so many phrases in parenting that we can hear. Some helpful, some not. Yeah, some that are not as helpful like, they’re only young for so long, which is true. But in the moment, man, it’s like, I would love to feel that right now. But I’m struggling.  And so like trying to tap into that is so hard because you’re like, well, right now they’re not, though.

Or the days are long, but the years are short. If your kid is have having a meltdown in front of you, or you’re feeling some heavy emotions, that doesn’t really help you get through necessarily that moment. Or, this is just a season, things like that.

A Helpful Parenting Phrase – Motion Changes Emotion

But actually, motion changes emotion is more of a practical tip for when you see some your kids having a hard time. They’re melting down. They’re tantruming, or they’re refusing to do something that you ask, or whatever it may be. Or they’re feeling overwhelmed with their own emotions. They’re just feeling flooded. A practical tip – motion changes emotion.

And remembering that, what can I do right now that’s going to help change this emotion and help my child process this, or help yourself in hard emotions? Often, when my child is struggling, I am empathetic, and I take on some of that emotion, as much as I try not to. And if I take on too much, I am not helping the situation at all. It can make it so that they feel like they now have to take care of me if I let it get to my emotions too much, which is the exact opposite of a healthy relationship I want to build with my kid. Reality sometimes, but that’s why talking through and realizing my emotions are going to affect my kiddo here too. And how can we do something that’s going to help both of us through that?

So motion puts a physical distance between yourself and whatever problem is arising. And it also increases blood flow and oxygen to the brain, which all of those things are healthy things that are going to help you put up a barrier, and then you’re able to look at it through a different lens when you’re not so in it.

Creating an Outlet for Big and Overwhelming Emotions

And I would say too, when those emotions are so big and so overwhelming, I think one of the best ways to describe it for me, is that they almost feel that those emotions are stuck inside their body, that they don’t know how to let them out.

And I think part of it is because they know that there are some ways that are healthy to do it and some ways that are not. And maybe sometimes they’re holding it in because they want to [GRUNTS] and then they’re not doing it, which is actually really awesome. That also means that it’s stuck inside.

And same for me, feeling like it’s stuck inside. And so trying to create an outlet for those emotions to come out organically or naturally. Not that you can’t punch a pillow or scream into a pillow, which our kids have done at different points to get emotions out. But more that feeling of them being stuck inside your body and not knowing what to do, and maybe feeling scared of that too.

Mhm, and needing a release, but not knowing what that release is going to be or how to do it. And needing an adult’s help, a safe person’s help, to get there without saying, you’re having a big emotion right now let’s go try to take care of it. Or getting upset at them for having a big emotion, and being like, you shouldn’t feel so upset about this. Yeah, that doesn’t help at all.

Motion Changes Emotion in Action

We all know that. It’s like, you’re having a hard time, and somebody is like, just stop, just snap out of it. You’re like, that’s not helpful at all. So some practical ideas is, instead of standing over your child, asking them again and again to do something that they’re refusing to do.

Or like talk to me about it and tell me how are you feeling? And maybe they don’t know how to put it into words, or they’re feeling bad that they’re feeling that way, or whatever. They don’t want to say it to you.

Here is one idea: let’s say it’s clean-up time, and your kids don’t want to clean up. And a way that can work is like, turn on a song and start dancing, and try to get the stuff cleaned up before the song is done, or something like that. And that’s motion that is not necessarily changing an emotion, but it is helping get something done. If your child is stuck on a homework assignment, take a break and go do something physical and come back to it.

And so then an example that I loved, that I heard on a different podcast that I’m going to repeat, is if your child’s upset, and let’s say they’re in their room, instead of walking into that room and lecturing or trying to calm them down, just go in there and start playing.

Just pick a toy up. If it’s LEGOs, start building. If it’s MAGNA-TILES, start building whatever it is. And don’t say a word. Just be with your child. And I would say 9 times out of 10, they’re going to, first of all, look at you like, why are you not saying anything? Sometimes they might even be like, go away. I don’t want you in here. But I’ve also heard that sometimes they’re saying that to their emotion more than they’re saying that to you as the parent. Which is actually really helpful for me to then just set it aside. I can acknowledge it and step away if I need to. But a lot of times, if I ask my kiddo, he’ll be like, no, I actually don’t want you to go.

Yeah, but 9 times out of 10, they will join you and just start building. And now, instead of being two people who are either upset because you’re upset that they’re upset, and now you’re two people who have come together, and you’re building together. And now that, to me, is so beautiful of going from being apart and angry to together and calm, sending them the message that I’m not afraid of their emotions, that I can handle their emotions, that I love them no matter what their emotions are. I’m OK to be in this space with them and still stay calm, which is not easy sometimes, guys.

So just know I’m not always perfect at this either. But when I can, it ends so much better. But I’ll often grab a book, sit down. Sometimes at the beginning, he’s like, no, I don’t want to. And then I’ll be like, oh, my gosh, I didn’t know he was that color. And he’ll be like, whoa, what color? And then usually they end up right in your lap. They’re in your lap. You’re snuggling. You’re doing something, connecting and bonding. And then that moment and that frustration or whatever has moved past.

An Invitation to Play or Connect With Your Child

And then inviting them to do something with you together, like will you build a LEGO with me, or whatever it is that needs to be done. Really give that invite of like, will you come do it with me? I think is also really special that way once you’ve gotten to a point where you’re engaged again, you’re connected again. And I think even for older kids, if they don’t want to accept an invite, just say, I’ll be outside ready to play catch when you are. I’ll be waiting with a ball.

I’m feeling better now. So my endorphins are now up, and the situation feels so much less now that I’ve moved. And something I think is helpful when our kids are upset is sometimes, like Ashley said, they feel stuck, and they don’t know what to do next. So, if you give your kids a small task, like, hey, will you go grab a ball and then meet me outside? That is something they are in control of. They’re like, I may not know what to do next with my emotions, but I can grab a ball. That’s something I can do. Then, it’s like, oh, now you just did something successful. And they’re feeling like momentum is building in a positive direction. Actually, I can do something good. I can help my mom or dad with this task. And then you’re building so that they can continue to do good things or positive things, moving out of that feeling. Again, instead of telling your child to calm down, which never works, give them a small task that they can handle. It doesn’t even have to be a ball. It could be like, hey, I have some chips. Will you go grab the salsa? Doesn’t matter what it is. Just give them one little thing that they can do, and then you’re together.

And then, yeah, even if it’s just eating a little snack, because maybe it’s not even related to needing to go get out in that moment. It might be they’re hungry and need to move through that emotion too. But how great does it feel when someone’s like, hey, grab the chips. I’ll bring the salsa. I would never say no to chips and salsa.

10 Minutes of Undivided Attention

Yeah, so some of these are focused on if you can get outside or if you can separate yourself, just you and your kiddo. There are a lot of times where you can’t separate from your other kiddos. Maybe they’re younger still. You can’t get out of the house with them, but you’re still wanting to connect with your kiddo and help regulate that nervous system.

Kids love when you can give them all of your attention. And I don’t know that we do that a lot. And it only has to be in shorter bursts than we think. For whatever reason, I sometimes am like, I don’t have time to give you an hour of attention. But actually, 10 minutes of undivided attention, even like one minute, wildly changes.

The other morning, I was home with Finley alone. I was in the middle of folding laundry, and she just wanted me. And so she was laying on the floor. And I just looked right at her, and I was like, running with her legs, and throwing her legs up by her head. And she was just laughing, and like again, again. And just like, I’m not a big tickler, but I’ll do a little one. And she’s laughing. I’m not much of a wrestler to myself. But those kind of intense physical moments, where it’s not actually intense, but they feel that intense love can be huge connecting moments where they feel like their cup is so filled up by my mom. And they almost don’t even need you for a little bit after that because you filled it up so much.

Other Ways to Calm Big Emotions

Something that works really well to calm down all my kids, take your finger and rub it along their fingers. And I’ll do both hands. I’ll do one hand, and then I’ll do the other hand. And if they are upset, by the time I get done with that second hand, it is like magic. They’re just so much more calm. And that took, what, 10 seconds to do. And you’re probably like looking right at them, giving them that full attention while you’re doing it.

So there was a time when we were trying to go on a family bike ride. Brecken’s on his bike, Ellie’s on his bike, and Finley has to go be pulled on the bike trailer. She wanted to ride a bike. Well, she’s two, so she can’t keep up. So we’re trying to get her in the bike trailer. And she’s just like fighting it. And so I just stop and I did that. I just stopped and I rubbed her fingers. And then when I was done, she was like, I’m ready. That was amazing! Like, literally magic. So that’s a good tip.

Another one is the same kind of thing – singing a song with your kids. And I’m going to sing you a song. I saw this on Instagram. It’s a mom who sings songs and is like, teach these to your kids. But my kids love this song, and they feel so connected. OK, so it goes, one finger, one finger, turn, turn. Turn into a worm, worm, worm, worm. Two fingers, two fingers, turn, turn, turn. Turn into a bunny rabbit, hop, hop, hop. Three fingers, three fingers, turn, turn. Turn into a kitty cat. I don’t know which way it goes, but meow. Four fingers, four fingers, turn, turn, turn. Turn into a butterfly. Flutter, flutter. And then this is the best one. Five fingers, five fingers, turn, turn, turn. All little kids will love this. Turn into a dinosaur, roar! And again, 30 seconds of time, and they feel their cup is filled up. It’s those little moments of finding time to connect – and it doesn’t have to be hard. But sing one song, and then they’re just like, yeah! I think sometimes, it’s just having it in your back pocket.

Keeping Your Parenting Toolbelt Full

There are times where I feel like my tool belt is super full, and I’m feeling great. So like whatever’s coming at me, I’m like, yep, I got this tool. And then there are times where I’m like, I must have left my tool belt at home, because I’ve got nothing today. I know I’m capable, but today, my tool belt is shoved under some bench, and I don’t know where it is, and I need to restock it again. Or maybe those tools need to change because my child’s age has changed, or the situations have changed. I love that analogy. That’s so good. Sometimes I’m like, yeah, I got a good handle on this. And then other times where I’m like, I don’t. And it’s not that we’re not capable, but I do think it is so good to have little reminders and then pick new tools that go in your tool belt or refill it. Sometimes we just like scatter them because we’re using them. And then we need to refill it back up. In those moments, it’s really hard to be creative on the spot when emotions are high. So I need to have tools in my tool belt to then, without having to think too much, use too much of my emotion, be able to pull that out. So yeah, as silly as it is for me to sing a song to you, that’s a tool for you to use. Put it in your tool belt.

Maybe that would be good right now, or the finger, just put them in your tool belt for when you need them and try it.

Singing and Whistling While Doing the Dishes

Yes, And I had a super funny moment that goes along with the singing that I just want to share real quick too, that this week, I was doing the dishes. I was like taking on a lot of the household duties, trying to let John rest, but the dishes, for whatever reason, took so long, and I was so annoyed.

And I was just like, I’m going to do this. I’m going to get it done! We’re going to get it! And I was just like possibly trying to [WHISTLES] through my emotions. I don’t want to be in front of the sink anymore. And in Ellie’s room, all of a sudden, I hear her backup singing. I’d be like, I can do this! And she was like, yes, you can! And it was like the best thing ever. And so then I just kept going. And she just kept being like, you got this! It was just this little tweet coming from her room.

You Are Doing Your Best – Be Proud!

I just hope we can feel proud about those times that we are giving it our best. And there are positive things that you are sharing, and I know that there are positive things that you are sharing as a mom or a parent. And so I hope you can focus on those today and feel like you’ve got a little bit more in your tool belt.

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