As with every family, challenges arise. Ours is no exception. Actually, the Beans family might hold the record! From birth through infancy, parents work to identify these challenges and find solutions. As our babies become toddlers, the expectations shift a bit. Parents are still identifying the challenges, but they begin to engage their children in the identification and solution process.
Defining Our Parenting Style
As our children grow and develop, new challenges arise. These challenges can be physical, intellectual, emotional and/or social. They can range from simple to complex. Children are actively developing their individual identities. They are forming opinions, making decisions and determining their stances on various issues. To our surprise or perhaps angst, their perspectives may differ from our own. It is at this point, as parents, we often stop and reevaluate our parenting style. Asking ourselves what is the best approach for my unique family.
For some parents, it is an intentional approach to parenting. After having listened, read and researched, a path is chosen. For others it is more instinctive, following their heart and mind, and hoping for the best. Depending on our relationship with our parents, we might follow a similar style to what they used or choose a totally different approach. There is no right or wrong way if our intentions are good, we’re focused on our children and we are trying our best!
Looking Back At Our Parenting Journey
Looking back, the Beans family did pretty darn good from infancy through elementary school. We had our ups and downs which were similar to what our friends were experiencing. We depended on this circle of family friends to listen, offer suggestions and support, and cheer each other on to the finish line, which we were sure was right around the corner! We thought that as our children matured, they’d grow more independent and we’d shift from parenting to advising. Oh, how naïve was that train of thought!
Throughout middle school and high school, Pat and I learned that the definition of challenge was far more extensive than a stumbling block or hurdle. The stumbling block became an obstruction, and the hurdle became a barricade! It was also at this point that we realized the challenges were no longer the same for everyone. Our kids were growing up, developing unique personalities, interests, skills and social circles. Some followed the rule book, some broke it. Others wrote their own! We often heard that kids go through growing pains – should have been the adults go through parenting pains!
Finding Out Our Strength As Parents Was In Our Relationship
Pat and I struggled through these years. We didn’t know what to do. We reached for help, but it was difficult for others to understand what we were going through. At this point we realized our strength was in our relationship. If we believed, trusted and supported each other, we were stronger. We made tough decisions, together. Some worked, some did not, but we never placed blame. Our boys depended on us, whether they knew it or not!
Did it work? Kind of. Were we able to transition from parenting to advising? Kind of. Were we confused about what we did wrong and why others were able to step back and advise? You bet. Did we give up? No way. Parenting is not easy, and there is no cutoff date.
Parenting From Afar, Remaining Strong And Connected
Now that the boys are adults with their own lives, our role has clearly shifted. We are still their parents, but we are parents who believe it is best to wait for an invitation. We gladly join discussions, offer advice or help solve problems when invited. Occasionally, we’ll throw a surprise party if we think the invitation got lost in the mail and a bit of oversight is needed. But generally, we wait for the invitation.
I do know there is no perfect parenting plan. I also know I would not trade our journey for anyone else’s. My family is incredibly strong and connected. As much as we disagree, we are loyal, and we defend and protect each other. We love each other unconditionally.
Are Pat and I still parenting? Yes, but in a different manner. A challenge arose recently and we were there, along with our family. It’s a team effort now – two parents, two sons, a daughter-in-law and a granddaughter all have a seat at the table now.
Ellen Beans
I’m originally from Arlington, NE. My husband, Pat, is from Cozad, NE. After spending the past 45 years in Lincoln, we are proud to call it our home.
I served as a Director at Bryan Health for 40 years. Pat served as the Chief Financial Officer for NRC Health for many years. He now serves as the Manager for Amandla, LLC.
We have two sons, Winston and Beau. Winston is married to Emily, and they have a daughter, Sophia, 5 years old. Beau is self-employed and works diligently to assure the success of his company. He also carries the title of Best Uncle Ever!
As the author of the Grandparent blog, I’ll be writing about the challenges and rewards of retirement. I’ll focus on the roles I have taken on in life – spouse, parent, In-law, grandparent, colleague and friend, and how they have changed over the years. This is the plan for the blog, but as we all know, plans can change!
