Soaking Up & Building Up Our Kids

Hi. I’m Rachel, and I’m Ashlee. Welcome to the CapitalMOM Real Life Conversations. It’s real life.

Rachel’s December Glimmer

We’re going to start with our glimmer and our dimmer. And my glimmer for this month is Wicked. Have you seen Wicked? Because I saw it, and I think about it every day. My husband and I debated on whether or not to bring our kids—seven, five, and two—because we knew it was almost three hours long, especially with previews.

My son had no interest in going at first. Then my husband said, “Boys can like musicals. Boys can go too.” and got him on board. Even my mom went with us. It was just incredible. It kept their attention. I couldn’t believe that my two-year-old and my five-year-old were so engaged.

I had parents messaging me afterwards, asking, “Do you think my kid can handle it?” And yes, definitely. We were trying to find the best time to go to the bathroom because it’s so good, and we didn’t want to miss anything. We’re already counting down to next November.

Even after the movie was over, it’s been so fun to bond over it with all of my kids. My family listens to the soundtrack. My two-year-old knows so many words. The music is so connecting. You can dance to it. You can sing together. You can do it all together.

Last week, I was going to school pickup and I was singing it. My seven-year-old hushed me, like, “Mom, wait till we get in the car!” and I could only think, “Oh, no. I’m already embarrassing. But I don’t even care.

Ashlee’s December Glimmer

I went to Wicked, too, and it was phenomenal. I don’t go to movies very often. It had been so long that I’d been to the theater that I didn’t know that there were recliners. So I was like a little kid in a candy shop, kicking my legs up and reclining the seat up and down, up and down. I also saw people coming in with blankets. The experience was just the best thing in the world.

You and I had a major Wicked bonding earlier this week because our husbands don’t really want to delve into the nitty-gritty, but Rachel wanted to talk about it more. So we had this amazing, hour-long Wicked talk.

But anyway, my recent glimmer involves music as well, but it was Levi’s Christmas concert for preschool. It was early in the morning, so we all got out of bed. And he just hammed it up. That’s my dream as a mom. I always want to see my kids so happy and being themselves. When they’re hamming it up like that, I feel like they just feel so loved.

His sisters were there too, my daughters. We were all there to support him, and he knew that. He was smiling and trying to make us laugh on the stage. The attention was all on him. As the littlest, he’s grown up always watching his big sisters. But this was his turn. So he just ate it up, and we were eating it up right along with him.

Home for the Holidays

This month’s topic is based on the stuff that we’re experiencing this month, with very specific little examples of what we’re going through. We’re hoping that you’re going through some of these scenarios as well, and maybe there will be a little inspiration that you can take from this to help bring more happiness and peace into your home for the holidays.

On months that we’ve been trying to talk about something that we’re just not really feeling right then, it doesn’t connect. So now, we’re talking about what’s on our hearts. And we don’t want to ever feel like we’re talking at you, because we’re in the same situation, and we’re learning as we go, too.

So right now, it’s Christmas break. And everyone is home. Your kids are home. And some of you might be feeling like, “When is this break going to end? Everybody’s here, and there’s so much noise, and there’s chaos, and kids are arguing.” During these times, we just want to encourage you to soak it in. And we know that it’s two weeks with everyone home, which can be overwhelming at times, but it’s also so special. You want to make sure that you really are enjoying your little people before they are gone off to school again.

Everyone Is Home

I found a poem called Everyone Is Home. And it’s going to make us cry. It says, “You’re ten years old and everyone is home. Mom is cooking, Dad is watching TV, and your siblings are doing their own thing, but everyone is home. You’re laying in your childhood bedroom, dreaming of the day when you get to be grown up and be on your own. You wanted to be older so badly that you forgot to take in the comfort of everyone being home.”

“Now you’re in your twenties, and you wish you could go back. You and your siblings have all moved out. Your parents have aged, and they’re trying to get used to the term empty nesters. You start to notice their gray hair and wonder where all the time has gone.”

“You realize that there will never be another day where you all live together again. Your siblings aren’t just in the other room. They are somewhere else. Every now and then you will visit, but you will never stay. You will never play together again. You will not wake up and eat breakfast together every morning, and there will be no more family movie nights. You won’t even see each other every day.”

“I’m longing for the feeling of home, but I can’t go back. My childhood home has been ripped down and pieces of it are scattered in all different places. Nobody is home.”

Rachel: I found that and thought, “Man, that is exactly what I was trying to say about just soaking it in and knowing that our kids are little for such a short season of their life and of our lives.”

Ashlee: Pouring love into our kids or spending extra time with them at bedtime or whatever can sometimes make me feel like I’m giving them too much time or too much attention. And obviously, it’s important to have the balance for yourself. But at the same time, you often hear advice to live each day as if it’s your last. And what would you want to do, and what would you say if you didn’t see them again? Exactly what I did was what I would do, you know?

Ashlee: What my kids want most from me is just my undivided attention. They just want me very present with them. And I think that is possible. I just have to let go of all the other stuff, which is harder to do than say. If I just let go of certain things—not saying let your house go or anything like that. You have to keep certain things going—but as far as being extra busy with activities. They just want to spend time with us doing whatever we’re doing. And if I’m present, it’s more enjoyable. If I am in my head or in other spaces is when conflict happens, either in myself or with them.

Ashlee: The times that I have felt most at peace is when we’re driving as a family. We’re all together. We’re in the same vehicle. Everything that I need or could possibly want is in that space. There’s something magical about that for me. We get in the car and we’re all there. It’s such a complete feeling that won’t last forever, so I really soak in those moments.

Rachel: And let’s not forget that we have to get ourselves to a good spot before we can pour into others. Last week, Ashlee did that, where she said, “I’m just going get myself back so that I can give to others.” There was one evening where she was done, done. Said goodnight early and everything.

Accept Kids Where They Are

Rachel: I had a daughter, then a son, then a daughter. And before I had my son, I was kind of nervous to have a boy because whenever I would see other little boys, I would have no clue how to talk to them. I wasn’t really interested in cars. I wasn’t interested in dinosaurs. Any of those things. I’d see a nephew or somebody at a holiday, and I would just wave and say hello, like that’s all I have.

And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized so much more that it’s just about meeting them where they are. So if you notice that they are playing with a car, asking, “Hey, which car is your favorite? Which color car is your favorite? And why? Why do you like that car?” Or, “What kind of dinosaur is that?”

Meet them in what they are playing with and what their world is. That’s how you can really connect with a child—boy or girl—because all they want to do is feel a connection, and to feel a connection is someone who shows interest in them and what they like. It might not be what you like, and that’s okay.

Ashlee: You don’t always have to come up with some elaborate story to play with them. In asking some of those questions, something’s going to pop up from that and lead to play.

Rachel: I know some people have social anxiety when going into a situation and not knowing what they’re going to say to a person they don’t know. I’ve found, as I’ve gotten older, that if you just ask about them, that’ll start a conversation. Something as simple as, “Hey, what’s going on in your life? How’s your sister? How’s this? How’s work?”

Actually, there’s this show I just started watching, “Nobody Wants This” on Netflix. In it, a guy is giving his friend advice on how to talk to somebody, and he says, “If you don’t know what to say, just repeat what they say.” So she tries it and it was just hilarious. He was like,”I went to the store today.” And she responded, “Oh, you went to the store?” And it just kept going.

So, anyway, getting into their world and you don’t even have to talk about yourself at all.

What Kids Want Most

Rachel: What our kids want most is us and our attention. We know sometimes that’s hard. Especially for me, at home is hardest because I have all these things to do. I have dishes over here. Laundry over there. So a lot of times, getting out of the house with my kids resets me. It focuses my attention on where we are and what I’m doing and not so much on everything around me. They feel more fulfilled too.

Ashlee: I find that when I’ve given my kids that undivided attention, if I need to step away, then, they’re more understanding at that point. It’s really only when I’ve been like half in, half out where I say I need to step away that they have big feelings.

How to Greet Kids

Rachel: My two-year-old, Finley, just adores Ashlee. Finley is always so excited to go to Ashlee’s house. But that got me thinking, “Why are our kids attracted to certain people? What is it in those people that makes them feel loved?”

With Ashlee and Finley, every time Ashlee sees my daughter, she gets down on her level, and she asks her how she is and touches her and makes her feel so loved. A lot of adults sometimes are so eager to talk to their friends, the other adult parents. When they come to our house, they really want to talk to me. But Ashlee makes it a priority to acknowledge my kids and make them feel special and loved. Taking those little moments is huge in how they feel about you.

Ashlee: Thank you. I had friends that I watched do that with my kiddos a lot, too. And it really does mean so much as a parent. You see your kids appreciate that moment and take in their love, and it just creates that feeling of village—which is why we’re here talking about this—a parent village, where they feel safe and loved beyond their immediate family. It’s one extra adult that they can rely on.

You’re not always going to be the only influence in your child’s life, so making sure they have other adults who are good mentors, good friends, and who love them with you is so important.

Let Kids Pursue Their Interests

Ashlee: Our children will have many interests, and many of them won’t be things that we’ve done. So remember, as excited as we are to share our particular interests with our kiddos, we want to give them time and space to let those skills develop and give them time and space to pursue other things that we didn’t do.

So my daughter, my oldest daughter, is doing dance and violin. Those are her two favorite things right now. And I never did either. I mean, I did show choir in high school, which does not count. I never played violin. I did not play a string instrument, aside from maybe one guitar class. I played piano.

But it’s been amazing letting her pursue her interests and letting other people guide and teach her because then I just get to soak it up. I don’t know enough to critique her. I just get to be in awe of what she’s doing. That’s actually been a really fun space for me to be in.

Rachel: On the flip side, from my experience, I have a daughter who is doing dance. And I was a dancer. Sometimes it’s hard as a parent to not turn into a coach, like, “Point your toe. Straighten your leg.” You just want to bite your tongue because you know that they’ll react like, “Mom! Stop it!”

Obviously, it’s okay if they do the same thing that you did, but allow yourself to process that if they don’t do what you do, that’s okay too. It can actually be really magical to witness them discover something new as their passion that you didn’t have as a passion. Because then they teach you about it. That way, you get to learn about it from your child. You’ll still be connecting through their interests because you’re going to be experiencing it together.

Plus, one of the best ways to learn is through teaching. So when your kid has a new skill and they get to teach it to their parent, that can actually feel really fulfilling, and give them a boost of confidence, like, “Wow, I’m so good at this that I can teach you.” Their whole life, we’re the expert. In this instant, they get to be the expert, which is really fun for everyone.

Build Your Kids Up

So I found a reel that was talking about our kids and what they believe. It said, “If you tell your kids that Santa is real, they believe you. If they tell your kids that if they put their tooth under the pillow and a fairy is going to come and take it and give you money, they believe you. So if you tell your kid that they are annoying and disruptive and rude, guess what? They believe you.”

The way we speak to our kids matters so much. If we tell our kids that they are capable and brave and amazing and powerful and whatever it is that you want to speak over your kids that can build them up, they will believe you.

Ashlee: I have a quote up in my hallway. It’s been with me since we bought our first home. It was one of the first things I hung between my kiddos’ pictures.

The quote says, “Speak to your children as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful and magical humans on Earth, for what they believe is what they will become.” That’s so true. If someone builds you up over and over and over again, you have that to fall back on in hard times.

When you give kids this praise, you’re not trying to be insincere, but focusing on the things that are positive. In our world right now, the biggest thing I want to help my kids have is a perception of themselves that is positive and understanding and kind.

Rachel: So find the little moments throughout your day to do that. Just one little comment can mean so much. For example, my son was outside playing with our dog, and he gave her a stick. He ran around the yard, trying to find a stick, and gave it to her. So I said, “Hey buddy, that was really nice. She really liked that stick.” I could tell that even just a little comment like that meant something. To him, it reinforced that he’s kind and was really nice to his dog.

It’s also important when you’re delivering these comments that you don’t make too big of a deal out of it. It’s not at the level of, “Wow! That was amazing!” Just talk in a neutral voice and point out little wins throughout the day. A sincere, “Hey, I saw you do that. That was really nice.” is all you need.

The same child, without me asking, went to my car and carried all three jugs of milk into the house, because he’s really into being strong right now. I could just tell he felt like a million bucks. He then started to pack lunch boxes for him and his sister. So when we went to Ashlee’s house, knowing that he could hear me, I said to Ashlee, “You won’t believe what Brecken just did. He grabbed three milk gallons, and he packed his own lunch.”

Ashlee: He was absolutely listening, and you could tell it made a big difference for him.

Rachel: If a child feels bad about themselves, like, “I’m a bad kid, and I always act up, and I’m always throwing fits, and I’m always in trouble,” guess what? They’re going to think poorly of themselves, and they’re going to become a kid who always acts out and is in trouble. But they’re not bad. They just want our attention.

Ashlee: I tell you what, I give attention when it’s not great. This is something we’ve been talking about a lot this last month. I’m still working on pausing when their emotions are big. I catch myself often. I need to not feed into big emotions as much as possible because they’re normal. They’re having big emotions. They’re kids. I get to help with regulation. That’s my job.

But right now, my little guy is in a phase where if something doesn’t go his way, he just falls apart. And I can get through three or four of those, and then I’m a little spent. I can tell that’s what I am focusing on then, the fact that I’m on edge. I’m worried he’s going to lose his mind over something, but I don’t know what it is. And then I start feeling guilty because I feel like I want to protect myself and I’m not being there for him, in a way.

Rachel: Words of affirmation have seriously helped. All genders need this, but my boy really appreciates words of affirmation. Little sprinkles of praise mean a lot. If he gets his cup and water by himself without throwing it, without me saying something, I’ll say, “Bud, that was really great. I noticed you. I thought you were so big in how you got that water.” Really just hyper-focusing on the good things that are happening is when I notice a big difference in his emotions.

Ashlee: And because I know Rachel is working on this with him, I’ll do the same thing with him when he’s at our house. I’ll notice little things that he was doing and point that out so he knows his mom isn’t the only adult that sees good things that he does. I’m another adult that sees.

Because we’re in this together. Again, here’s another adult who cares about you. I see these good things that you’re doing. You are so good.

Rachel: They internalize that good. They start telling themselves, “I am a good kid, and I have this and this and this to contribute.” It just changes everything, from thinking that they are a troublemaker and always in trouble to knowing they’re a good kid. To see that they have adults who believe in them. It truly changes their whole trajectory.

Ashlee: Of course, every kid is different. I have two other kids who don’t need that as much. I suppose that comes down to love languages. Maybe they just like to snuggle more. But our boys in particular really are showing huge signs of change in their behavior just simply by these little tokens of gratitude and appreciation and seeing them where they are.

My kids get just as much from snuggling together and watching a funny movie. So, as holiday break is happening, we hope that you’ll be able to soak up your kiddos and this family time. Hopefully Mom and Dad can be together. It doesn’t have to be all day to be really special and memorable. It can just be a couple hours that you have together that’s really purposeful—setting phones down, turning off electronics and being together loving on your kiddos. You’ll be filled up from the love that they’ll give back.

You don’t need to do motherhood alone. Come join our village, exactly as you are.