Welcome to another CapitalMOM Real Life Conversation! Today, we’re diving into the concept of flipping the script—changing the way we talk about situations with our kiddos and with ourselves.

Rachel’s Competition Glimmer

I’m going to start with a glimmer. My daughter started her gymnastics and dance competition season. This year, we signed up for both, knowing that it was going to be a lot to juggle, and we don’t know how many years we’ll be able to do both.

But my husband is a gymnast and I’m a dancer, so it’s really fun and we both get to live our dreams. Ellie thrives in both environments.

Yesterday, she had her dance competition which is every other weekend. Seeing her up on stage, I’m so proud to watch her confidence, her smile and her performance. It’s just a very special mom moment.

Ashlee is also the most supportive, wonderful friend. She gets on a live stream and watches her. Then she sends me gushing text messages.

Ashlee: Well, I never really experienced dance stuff until my kiddos. And I have to say, one of my favorite things about it is the work ethic that they learn, which is very real, very real. Growing up, I didn’t really think dance was a sport or athletic, but it so is.

One of my other favorite things they learn is confidence. Seeing your kiddos feel confident on stage, or in front of other people, or in their own skin is incredible. It’s hard getting up in front of other people and performing. Whew, yeah.

So, it just feels really special when you see them be able to feel that and have that moment and feel proud of themselves.

Ashlee’s Glimmer/Dimmer

Mine is a dimmer glimmer. It kind of starts as a dimmer and then turns into a glimmer, where my husband just had a couple deadlines. It was a rougher few weeks for us. I’m really proud of us for getting through and proud of myself for pushing through on hard days. I’m proud of him for pushing through on really hard things.

We continued to have really good conversations with one another, even if we disagreed. I might have seen things differently than he did, but we continued to communicate. We gave ourselves space when we needed to and came together in the end with less resentment than I feel like we’ve had in the past. I feel really proud of that.

Our conversation this week is about flipping the script. That’s exactly what I did, taking a dimmer and turning it into a glimmer. I flipped the script.

The Way We Talk to Our Kids

Rachel: We really want to talk about this in terms of the way we talk to our kids. Something that we’ve heard is watering the flowers and not the weeds. That would mean our kids are doing so many great things. They are also doing things that bother us.

What are we focusing on? If we’re focusing on the negative all the time, then they’re going to internalize that they’re a bad kid or that they’re always getting in trouble. Whereas if we’re focusing on the good, you’re building their confidence, their self-esteem, their self-worth, all these amazing things. They’re believing in themselves more that they are good.

Ashlee: The flowers, those as positive things, are going to grow and get taller than the weeds so that then they’re seeing their flowers much more than they’re seeing the things that they’re struggling with—which, they’re kids, and it’s normal. They’re learning. They’re going to struggle with stuff. And parents as well. Same for us. That’s why it feeds so well into both of us.

We All Have Struggles

Rachel: Everybody struggles in some areas. Nobody’s good at everything. And so, it’s showing our kids that I’m not perfect either, just like you. We all have weeds. We all have muck that we trudge through.

Ashlee: I don’t know why it’s so hard sometimes to just not let that overshadow the other things. But it is. It’s a real struggle to want to fix it all right away.

Rachel: I don’t know if this is a perfect example, but last night, I was lying in bed, and my son wanted to be next to me. We take turns who is next to me because I have three kids, and I only have two sides. The little one, my two-year-old, always gets to be by me because she’s little. That will change. But right now, the older two alternate. Last night, he was bummed because he wanted to be by Mom.

I said, “Buddy, think of it like this. If you were by me every night, you wouldn’t appreciate it as much. But since you get to look forward to it, when you are with me, it makes you savor it more.” I said, “It’s kind of like when it hasn’t rained in a month. And suddenly, it rains.”

You think, “Oh, the flowers are being watered, and you appreciate the rain more if you had to wait for it.”

That was a good way to flip the script on that, too, and take a negative and turn it positive.

I did this rather than say, “Dude, it’s going to be tomorrow. You’re going to be fine. You’re fine.” and squashing his feelings down or telling him that his emotions don’t matter, which they do. Even if it feels like a silly thing, to him, it’s a big thing.

So even moments when you want to say something negative, see how your child responds when you say something positive.

Real Life Example

My daughter is big into dance and gymnastics, as I said. She just wants to practice all the time. She wants to work on front walkovers.

So, she gets our little nugget couch out to practice today. Of course, my son takes that as a moment to jump on the couch and get in her way and bother her. She says, “Brecken, stop!” and makes this huge scene. He’s loving it, like, “Oh, yeah, I’m bugging my sister. This is a game. This is fun!” She’s getting more upset. I’m holding my head in my hands, thinking, “Oh my goodness.” I’m sure you can relate.

In that moment, I pulled my daughter aside, and I said, “Hey, come here. We’re going to set a timer on my phone, and let’s see if you just stop engaging and you stop reacting, how long it takes for him to get bored.” We set a little timer, and it took five minutes.

While we were sitting at the table together, I explained what Ashlee and I were going to talk about today.

I asked my daughter, “Do you have an idea right now of what could I say to Brecken that would be positive?” In that moment, she didn’t want to say anything nice about her brother because he was bothering her, so she says, “Hmm, I don’t know.”

So, I stopped. I turned to my son and said, “Hey, buddy, you are being such a good big brother to Finley right now” because he was playing with his two-year-old sister. He got up and he looked at me, and he goes, “Huh?” Because he was totally expecting me to be like, “Hey, get out of the way! Ellie’s trying to work on front walkovers. You’re bugging her.”

He asked me, “Even when I’m bugging Ellie?”

I said, “Well, I don’t really like that you’re bugging Ellie. We’re going to pause that here in a minute. But right now, you’re playing really nicely with Finley, and I appreciate that.”

He continued to play with Finley for another minute. Then he stopped, and they walked away, and Ellie did her front walkovers.

That was just the perfect example of a moment that I didn’t really want to say something nice to him either. But because I was talking about this, it gave me a moment to reflect. We can flip this. Instead of having it take over and blow up into this big fight, it just fizzled.

Harnessing High Energy

Ashlee: This is such a good topic for me right now because I also have a very high-energy kiddo, and I’m trying to flip that. One of the things that we talked about is noticing when they are higher energy, and you’re sensing their high energy, and they’re wiggling and moving around and really getting up in your space. I’m a cuddly, touchy person, but I get touched out, too. Rather than being like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, you’re too much. This is too much for me!” I’m trying to flip that script.

Flip it by saying, “I can see that you are so excited, and your body is so ready to move right now. That’s awesome. What can we do together to move your body?” Or maybe have a suggestion ready to go that works for you at that moment because if I give it to them, they may come up with a suggestion that I’m not feeling if I’m feeling touched out. I might suggest, “Hey, let’s go roller skating.”

Yesterday, she spent an hour outside roller skating up and down our sidewalk. I was trying to take away the weed part of that script and, again, focus on the flowers portion of it and water it, with affirmations like, “I love that you know what about yourself. What can we do? Let’s get creative here.”

I do notice when I’m like, “Oh, my gosh, okay, too much. You’re too much. I need you to get out of my bubble.” Sometimes, I have to say that, but if I do that over and over again, her creativity goes down, or the attention-seeking goes up, which means the danger of the behavior or who they’re going to bump heads with or whatever goes up as opposed to their creativity that they feel good about themselves.

I want them to think, “I can totally figure this out in a way that makes me happy.” Their creativity and problem-solving goes up if I can respond positively. But if I respond negatively, they feel lost. It’s almost like they then need me to help them. They suddenly act like they don’t know what to do or they’re flooded with their own emotions and can’t get out of that. Then, I’m more frustrated because I wanted them to just go be creative. But my response didn’t lend itself to creativity.

Encouraging Positive Movement

Rachel: I have a wiggle worm too. I don’t know if it’s a second-born thing, but it’s for both of our second-born kiddos. He constantly needs to be moving, and that’s why the warmer weather has just been amazing to get outside.

In the winter when we’re stuck inside, he is a climber. He is always on our kitchen countertops. He climbs our railing. Sometimes I’m okay with it. Other times, if I’m feeling overstimulated, I’m just like Ashlee. I’ll catch myself saying, “This is too much. Get down. I’m done.”

If I can take that and say things like, “Hey, I love that you want to move your body right now, and you know that you need to move your body right now, so here are your options: We can go into the basement, do pull-ups on the pull-up bar or if it’s nice, we can outside. Instead of saying, “Stop, no, you’re too much. You’re annoying.” or whatever it is, I want to say, “I love that you want to do this. Let’s do it here.”

That way, you’re starting it with a positive and building the momentum instead of putting a halt on it.

Giving a Morning Compliment

Ashlee: One of the things that you brought up was starting the day with a compliment. Something I think I do very well in the mornings is when I see my kids, I say, “Good morning. How did you sleep?” And I try hard to really give a ton of genuine love. It’s the perfect time because I wake up feeling a little more refreshed and more appreciative of their sweet faces.

I also want to give them a very genuine hug. That’s a great way to start off the day. I think that it helps boost them and gets us started on the right page.

How This Applies to Parents

Rachel: Instead of thinking negatively, like, “My kids are always getting in my way,” you can flip that script to, “I can include my kids in this. We can have a moment together where we’re making memories and doing something together.” A great example for that is cooking.

Sometimes, I just want to cook dinner. I want to be left alone. But sometimes I’m able to reframe that to, “This is a moment that we can connect and do something together.”

A mom I follow on Instagram said that kids don’t know the difference between if we involve them in a household task—like cooking or laundry—or if we’re playing with them. Either way, they’re spending time with us, and that’s playing. I think that’s so cool because you can get done what you need to get done. Plus, they’re spending time with you, and their cup is filled. Your cup is filled. It’s a win-win.

Ashlee: This has been a long time coming with my youngest. He’s been very opinionated for a very long time. Any time I would say, “I’m going to do this, do you want to come do it with me?” he would almost always say no. “No, I don’t. I want to play my game, and I want you to come play my game.”

This morning, rather than saying, “Hey, come do your chore!” I just pulled it out. I set it down, and I started doing it. He started doing it with me. He even very happily, proudly was telling his dad, “Look what I can do, Dad!” He had zero idea he was doing his chore.

I never once said the word “chore,” and he was totally fine and very happy. So, I’m going to be trying this out even more, where I don’t say anything at all. I’ll just bring something to him and show him that I’m going to do it around him. Like when getting dressed. If I get his clothes and bring his clothes to him and we start doing it together, there are no complaints.

Rachel: That’s the same thing that we were just talking about—you’re building the momentum. You’re starting it, and because you’ve already started, he joins in the momentum.

Ashlee: Then once we get it done, I want to compliment him, like, “Hey, we just got dressed, and you just did that.” so that he realizes, “Oh, that was actually really easy, and I can do this on my own!”

They just want to do it with someone. They just want to do it with the parent that’s home more. They don’t even necessarily care what the task is. They just want to do it together.

Rachel: Another example of flipping the script is changing “I never have time for this” to “I make time because this is important to me.”

“I’m too tired.” becomes “I am tired, but I’m going to do it anyway.”

Ashlee: Those are all ways that we can flip the script as moms and try to think of life as not such a burden. I know it’s so hard, but I think if we flip the script in our heads, it really helps. Even viewing tough times as temporary phases in life will help.

Kids Are Fun

Rachel: Don’t forget that our kids are small. They are only kids once, so don’t forget to have fun with them. They are so fun if we choose to join in their joy, and their fun and their play, even if it is while we’re cooking or while we’re doing laundry. They are so fun and funny. We can have fun with them if we allow ourselves into that world.

You Have a Good Kid

The quote that we love the most is “Don’t let yourself become so concerned with raising a good kid that you forget that you already have one.” That’s just so beautiful. Don’t become so burdened with what our thoughts are. Only take what you need. Only take what works for you right now.

But also, don’t forget that you already have a really great kid. Probably all they need to hear is how much you love them, how much you believe that they are such a good kid and that there’s so much good inside of them.

As a mom or parent, you have so much good inside you, and you are doing an amazing job starting your day off like that.