It was early Monday morning. As I emptied the dishwasher and waited for the coffee to be done, I glanced at the clock and noticed it was 6:40 a.m., and the light in my middle schoolerâs room wasnât on yet. Knowing that he frequently (i.e., every day) presses the âoffâ button on his alarm thinking that it is the âsnoozeâ button, I went to wake him up.
When I returned, my husband asked me, âWhen he goes to college, are you going to go to his dorm every morning to make sure he wakes up?â Ouch! *cringe*
Point well taken. If my 12-year-old is old enough to set an alarm clock and turn it off, then he is very capable of using that alarm clock to actually get up in the morning. Quite frankly, he realized he didnât need to because he had me.
Enabling Children Doesn’t Allow them to Learn
This whole situation reminded me of a television interview I saw a number of years ago with Jessica Simpson and her mother. This was during the time that Jessica was still a wannabe music star. She and her then-husband Nick Lachey were living their 15 minutes of fame as reality TV stars, although the show was exposing Jessica as a slob who was unable to deal with piles of clothes all over her mammoth closet.
During the interview, Jessicaâs mom admitted that, while Jessica was a teenager, she always cleaned her room for her. Her excuse was that Jessica was really busy with her music career and just didnât have time to clean her room. What crazy parenting planet is she from?
Helping Our Kids Prepare for the Future
The Jessica Simpson example is pretty extreme, but Iâm sure we can think of numerous things we do that are similar on a smaller scale, such asâŠ
- Driving our child to school so they donât have to stand and wait for the bus
- Putting gas in your teenâs car for them so they donât run out
- Double-checking all of their homework before they turn it in
- Rushing their clarinet/lunch/gym shoes/Algebra book to school when they forget it
- Talking to the teacher about how to make up missed work or correct a test rather than making them talk to the teacher to figure it out
- Making sure they have $10 in their pocket every time they go out with friends
- Making sure they never ever have any struggles or disappointments
We love our kids, and it can be hard not to do things to make their lives easier. But, as a parent, we arenât doing them any long-term favors by making everything easy. Life is hard. Life is expensive. Things donât always go our way. Sometimes (actually many times) we have to do things we simply donât want to do. And unless we are like Lady Mary living at Downton Abbey, we have to be responsible for ourselves and not always rely on someone else to take care of our stuff.
If my kids donât learn these lessons while they are under my roof, they will flounder when they leave home and be incapable of coping with the ups and downs of life. I canât always be there to smooth things out when things are uncertain, daunting, or difficult.
I read about successful kids who drop out of college because they canât handle the pressure. I donât think this failure is the result of college courses being too difficult. I think it is because these students have had everything controlled, smooth, clean, and shiny for them as they grew up. Once a parent wasnât there to be a fixer, the student simply didnât know how to handle it.
A Balancing Act With Some Grace
Every child is differentâand every age presents different abilities. Parents have to be able to gauge what their child can and canât handle. And the key is increasing responsibilities and opportunities for independence gradually as a child gets older.
Itâs also important to know what is going on with your child well enough to know when a little grace is needed. Social struggles, the pressure of extracurricular activities, or even the stresses of academic pursuits can be overwhelming for a young mind at times. In these situations, it is okay to be that loving parent who lends a helping hand to help their child through a difficult time.
Back to the Alarm Clock
A few weeks ago, I had a little chat with my 12-year-old and told him he needed to learn the difference between the âsnoozeâ and âoffâ buttons on his alarm clock. I told him if he didnât start waking up on his own, I would wake him up five minutes before it was time to leave, and he would have to go to school without breakfast and with crazy bedhead hair.
Iâm happy to report that he has learned which button is which, and I havenât had to wake him up anymore!
Anne Blankenbiller
K-12 & Teens
Most of my mornings, afternoons, and evenings are spent driving the kids here and thereâand then back to here again. Every child is a gift on loan from God. As parents, our job is to raise that child to be an independent adult who can contribute to the world using the gifts and talents he or she was given. It is hands-down the most important job on earth!
