My name is Cassidy Vineyard Pflanz and Iâm thrilled to join CapitalMOM as your newest blogger. Writing for a community of parents who are as invested in their families as I am is such a wonderful opportunity. Iâm excited to dive in and share my experiences as a mom of two because we all know how reassuring it can be to hear that someone else is navigating similar ups and downs.
I grew up in North Platte, Nebraska where my childhood was filled with soccer and 4-H. Through 4-H, I discovered a love and passion for sewing, which eventually led me to major in fashion design at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.
After graduation, I moved to New York City to work in fashion. As fate would have it, I met my husband, Justin, who also grew up in Nebraska. We met on a street corner of all places! Justin and I were first introduced to each other by my roommate, Hannah. She boldly claimed before we met up with him, âJustin is marriage material.â Turns out she was right. After two years of long-distance dating and a year living in the same city, we were married at Saint Maryâs in downtown Lincoln.
Our Little Ones
As for motherhood, I always imagined Iâd have children, but once my career took off, I started to feel unsure. When I was 34, Justin pointed out, âLook at how many photos you have of our cat and dog on your phone! Youâll be just as obsessed with a baby.â Today, my phone is filled with pictures of our kidsâMax, our pandemic baby born in April 2020 who is now four (going on 13), and Zoey, our one-year-old who came into the world at a much calmer time.
Justin and I are very fortunate to have been small business owners for over a decade as it allows us flexibility as parents. Last year, we discovered the ultimate parenting hackâliving close to grandparents! We moved just nine minutes away from my retired parents, who have truly been lifesavers. Max and Zoey are so fortunate to have not just two, but four active and loving grandparents. Iâm convinced that grandparents make the world go round!
My Professional Life
Professionally, Iâm a personal trainer specializing in working with girls and women at all stages of life. My passion for movement began in New York, where I fell in love with running. Today Iâm grateful to help women find their own joy in fitness. Additionally, I use my master’s degree in marketing to help health and wellness businesses build their brands.
I canât wait to connect with each of you through my stories, lessons and experiences as a mom. Motherhood isnât quite as glamorous as Instagram makes it out to beâitâs demanding, exhausting and often messy. When it feels like motherhood could swallow me whole, a sticky little hand slips into mine and suddenly my heart is full. My little family means everything to me.
Cassidy Vineyard Pflanz
Iâm originally from North Platte, NE, and Lincoln has been my home for more than a decade. My husband, Justin, and I have been married for almost ten years. We welcomed our first child, Maxwell, during the pandemic, and our youngest, Zoey, arrived in a much calmer chapter of history.
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Justin and I are both small business ownersâhis in the motorsports industry, and mine as a personal trainer and social media manager. Our flexible schedules have allowed us to prioritize family life. When I have a spare moment, you can find me diving into photography, a good book, a favorite podcast, or the kitchen. Motherhood may not be as glamorous as social media makes it out to beâitâs demanding, exhausting, and often messyâbut I canât wait to share the beautifully messy journey with you!
Hi, we’re Rachel and Ashlee. Welcome to episode seven of CapitalMOM Real Life Conversations. Thanks so much for joining us today. We’re really, really grateful you’re here. Hope you enjoy.
I’m going to start how we usually do with a dimmer. What I’m about to tell you is not endorsed by CapitalMOM.
We have a pool in our backyard. It’s an above-ground pool that’s about three feet deep. And we have a deck over it that we’ve always been tempted or joked about jumping off into the pool. But we’ve never done it. Until the other day. We decided to try it.
I did not think it through all the way. I did it, and I survived, but my heel is not doing great. I landed on it the wrong way and probably am going to be limping for the next few weeks while it heals. It’s not broken, but that’s a dimmer for me.
Rachelâs Vacation Dimmer
When Ashlee told me this story, it reminded me of when we went to North Carolina this summer. I jumped in the poolâI’m not always the “go underwater” type mom, especially if I have clean hair. I took my first jump in, and I stubbed my toe on the bottom of the pool.
I came up and my toe was purple and black. I thought I broke my toe. So those pools, they’ll get you.
Rachelâs Summer Glimmers
This time, I’m just going to give you little glimmers from the summer because I couldn’t think of one big one. So here are a couple little ones.
First, my four-year-old taught himself how to snap. I was so proud of him because he’s the second-born and his older sibling can do all these things that he can’t do yet, and he’s just trying to catch up. So, I was just so proud of him that he was sitting in bed one night and the snapping got louder and louder and we’re cheering him on.
Second, my daughter lost her front tooth that has been loose for five months. She’s been a little snaggle tooth forever. My little hillbilly.
Another glimmer is my now two-year-old had her birthday. When we were singing her happy birthday, she jumped up and down with joy the entire time we sang to her. It was kind of the dream reactionâhow you hope your kids would respond to you singing “Happy Birthday,” but it doesn’t usually happen. But this, it was just magic. We had the best time celebrating her with a party.
My last little glimmer was at a wedding. We had just celebrated Finley’s birthday. Two days later, we’re walking into the huge, beautiful wedding venue, and Finley looks at me and goes, “My party?” I was like, yeah. You’re right. We really pulled all the stops for you.
Everything We’ve Learned in the Last Decade
What we decided to do this time is take it back just a little. We were thinking about what we’ve learned since becoming moms. We both became moms in our 20s and now we’re in our 30s. So here’s what we would tell our younger selves about motherhood, womanhood, and growing up.
Donât Play the Comparison Game
One of the things that first came to mind for me was that when I first became a mom, I remember feeling so overwhelmed and trying to do it all. I thought, “My mom sews, and she cooks, and she cans and she gardens. She has a dairy farm, and she substitute teaches, and our family is doing all sorts of volunteering in our church.”
And I remember becoming a mom and saying, “Oh, my gosh, I’m not doing any of those things.” I remember feeling so overwhelmed. But I paused and realized that when I was a child and actually noticing what my mom was doing, she was already a seasoned mom with twenty or twenty-five years of practice. She’d been doing it for that long by the time I came along and noticed. Plus, I was the last of her children, which I think is a different phase of life.
With that, I realized that I cannot compare my two months’ experienceâor even five years’ experienceâto my seasoned mom or other seasoned moms and what they’re able to do in their situations at that time. They had to learn, just like I’m learning. And there’s a really good chance she wasn’t doing it all. She just kept trying to show up and be there.
And even if you look at other moms who are in the same stage of life as you, sometimes I think we wonder, “How are they doing it?” But maybe what you see on social media is just the highlights of their life. Maybe they’re really having a hard time and you don’t know it. We just don’t see the struggle in their day-to-day. We don’t see the skill until it’s gained. It’s not always that we video the fail, fail, fail, fail until you get it. A lot of times it’s just, “We got it!” And that’s all you see of the process.
With this, you need to ask yourself “What are all the amazing things I am doing?” Don’t focus on what you’re not doing. For Ashlee as a mother for nearly ten years, she’s working one day a week. She’s pouring her heart and soul into three amazing kids. She has a garden. She has incredible friendships. She taught her children how to sew and play the piano.
If you compare, it’s so easy to not see what you’re actually doing. It’s easy to miss out on the joy and gratitude for what you are accomplishing by just living with your kids and your family and showing up for them. It’s so hard to look at the big picture. You see the little day-to-day, but big-picture, we’re doing amazing. If you can’t see that now, that’s okay. You need time to be able to get big-picture like that.
Process Before Delighting
The next one, I’m going to have to explain for it to make sense, but it’s processing through an emotion before delighting. Here’s what I mean by that. I saw a mom recently post a hard moment on Instagram. This mom wanted to go on a walk by herself. But her three-year-old threw a big fit, saying, “I want to come, Mommy!” She firmly said no, that it was her me time. But that didn’t work and she finally loaded her child into their stroller to go on the walk with her. During the walk, she said she processed for probably twenty minutes, working through the disappointment that the situation didn’t work out the way she wanted it to go.
But then, she processed it and began to focus on the walk with her daughter. She started to notice the little detailsâher daughter’s hands, dimples and sweet voice. Finally, she was able to delight in her daughter’s presence. She said that in order to get to those delightful momentsâor those glimmers, as we call themâsometimes we have to trudge through some muck to get there.
You can honor feelings of anger or disappointment when something doesn’t go to plan because then there is delight on the other side. For example, if your kid doesn’t nap, you’re in that stage where you’re begging them to go to sleep and thinking, “OK, I’m going to carry you downstairs, and I just really don’t want you to be downstairs right now. This is my me time.” There’s probably a bunch of shouting. But then you get through it and they’ll snuggle up next to you and say such cute things. You’ll think, “You know what? You’re so sweet, and I’m so glad you’re here.”
Have a Tribe
This one kind of goes along with our processing tip. Try to keep a girl tribe or friend tribe or whatever that is for you so that when you do need to process, you can call someone who is emotionally available and removed from the situation enough to vent to real quick. These are the people who you don’t necessarily need to sit in the same emotion with you. It’s just someone who will listen while you express how you’re feeling.
For a little while, I relied on my husband. And that’s okay in the beginning and totally normal as you figure out your own family. But actually continuing to have friends outside of just our families is incredibly helpful for our own mental and emotional health, and just being able to step outside of this environment for a little bit, feel a little light-hearted and get other people’s takes and perspectives, is so important.
It helps to truly step out of the responsibilities of home and family and then come backâeven if that’s once a month. It doesn’t have to be often.
Plus, I’ve learned that my husband doesn’t want to hear all the little things. At the risk of sounding stereotypical, girls do tend to be more chatty in my experience in life. We just love all the little details, and my husband is more of a problem-solver? Sometimes he comes home from work and he’s in problem-solve mode when I’m not asking you to save the situation or anything like that, because that’s just going to make me feel worse, actually.
For example, I had taken my daughter to violin camp. And when I showed up, they told her, “Here’s your viola stuff.” I froze, thinking, “Viola?” Because she wanted to do violin, even though initially she was maybe going to do viola. So I panicked. Was there a chance that I signed her up for viola on accident?
My daughter looked up at me like, “What did you do to me?” And I just had to keep cool like it was all going to work out. Fortunately, the person checking her in said they’d get it sorted out, but I could see the doubt in my daughter’s eyes, like, “Is there even going to be a place for me?” So I walked out of there feeling terrible.
So I called Darcy, one of my friends. Her daughter was in the same camp. I said, “I just need to get this off my chest real quick.” In that moment, I just need to talk to a friend, not my husband. I needed another mom that understands what it’s like to plan and do the activity, and then have it not go as planned and feel like you failed.
She assured me that my daughter was going to have a great time, and I instantly felt so much better after I got that off my chest and shared it with her and someone else knew.
Not Everyone Will Like You
You don’t have to convince the world to like you. You’re not everyone’s cup of tea. But the people who do delight in your presence are your people, and you should cling to those people that really get you and you get them. It’s most important to show up authentically as you and not spend so much energy trying to convince others that you are wonderful. The right friends will just love you already, you know?
Rather than spending all that energy in the wrong people, invest your time in the ones that really matter to you. This helps you not feel like you’re spread out so thin, too. It’s great to have many friends, but core friends are our focus as we get older and have kids. We’re busy pouring so much into our kids that we don’t have as much bandwidth to have twenty friends like we did in our twenties.
People Don’t Care As Much As You Think
Often, we’re worried about what other people are thinking. In Schitt’s Creek, Alexis says, “Nobody cares, David. Nobody cares.”
We all have so much going on in our lives that a lot of times, we are so hyper-focused on ourselves, like, “Oh, I didn’t put my makeup on before I came to Target today, and I ran into that person. I’m so embarrassed.” But many times, they don’t care. They are so busy living their own life. They probably have something going on that they can’t focus on you. They’re thinking about them.
Just realize that as you get older people don’t care that much about all these little things that you might be stewing about. Care less as you get older about the things that don’t really matter.
Everybody’s worried about their own stuff, so you can release it. Nobody cares. Just go live your life.
Show Up Authentically
Maybe one of the best things that we can offer our kids is just to be our authentic selves, not who we want to be in ten years, not who we were ten years ago, but just who we are right now and what we enjoy right now.
Sometimes, I catch myself being worried about not doing something like I used to or not knowing what I used to. But my kids don’t even know that version of me. They just know who I am right now.
So, I tell them, “I don’t know that right now, but let’s go figure it out together” if they ask me a question that I should have remembered from college. I think that response is even more helpful than if I had all the answers for them.
This also means authentically sharing your passions. I share the piano and sewing with my kids, and my husband shares gymnastics with them. They see our love for those hobbies, and even if they don’t fall in love with those things, it gives them an example of what it looks like to be passionate about something. They feel that energy. They get excited for us. And they’re so responsive. They’ll remember what you enjoy. They’ll know you love flowers, so they’ll pick you flowers all the time.
And they don’t have to like the same things as us. Our passions are just showing them that because you love something, you can do it at any age. The lesson we want them to take away is to chase your passions and continue doing things that make you feel aliveâno matter how old you are.
It’s also important to us that they learn how to take joy in other people’s passions, as well as their own passions. I used to worry that if I shared too much of my interests, maybe I’d just create a mini me. I don’t want them to be a mini me. I want them to be their own person. But then I understood that they’re going to choose the things that interest them, and it’s okay to have some interests in common, too.
Let Kids Be Kids
It’s our kid’s turn to be kids. We had our turn to be kids. We did all the things, and now we’re grown-ups. So, it’s their turn to have experiences. So if they find their own passions, it’s our job to help them dive into them more.
Every time we go on family bike rides, we race down the street at the end. My husband and are are pedaling so fast, acting like we’re really racing, but we always let them win because it’s their turn. I don’t need to win. I won plenty of times as a kid. Now it’s their turn.
Letting them win isn’t a bad thing in our family. It makes the memory more fun and sweet as parents. I get to watch my children be so excited that they won the bike ride.
Yes, life is going to happen and they’re going to have times when they lose and where it doesn’t work out. That’s all going to come. But building up confidence and a joy of play before that hits is so helpful. Because if you enjoy it still, you’re probably going to keep fighting for it even when you start losing.
Be Selfish for Your Family
It’s okay to make changes that work best for your family. Separating yourself from your siblings and parents is a transition. Starting your own family is scary. There are a lot of unknowns and a lot of pressure that we maybe put on ourselves about what a family needs to look like or what I need to be able to do with my family or how I picture life with my family is going to be. But then, when you have your family, things might happen that changes that picture.
Recently, I’ve gone through a transition in my faith. That decision alone has created a lot of differences in what I thought my family would look like, but as I’ve been moving through it, I’ve realized that my family is still so beautiful, even if it’s different.
As long as you’re in touch with your partner, it’s okay to adapt and change and continue to communicate what’s important to you and your immediate family. It’s okay to have your family situation look different than the way you were raised or the way you once imagined it would be.
No matter what anyone thinks, you’re so brave and strong to do what’s best for your family and to be in tune with what they need.
Honor Each Version of Yourself
Some people hold on too tightly to past versions of usâhow they once knew us. Like, when Ashlee was 18 or 20, this was who she was. Now, she’s changed so much, and I’m not sure that I connect to this new person. That’s okay. They don’t have to. They don’t have to get the new you or like the new you.
You’re supposed to grow and change. That’s the beauty of lifeâwe’re not stagnant. We’re not stuck being the same person that we were. Other people are probably going through their own new versions, too.
You should honor each version of yourself and not look back and say that one version was gross or cringey. That was the best you could do at that point in time. You were showing up every single day, so acknowledge how awesome that isâall while getting you to where you are now. Sometimes, you have to start in the trenches and work your way up.
When you have kids, you can better understand them since you’ve been through that transformation yourself. Maybe they’re going through a hard phase. We can say, “I went through a hard phase, too.” And we can all be there for each other in it, too. Or I can offer you all the space you need. I don’t care about where you are in your phase, aside from wanting to be there for you. We’re going to love our kids and our friends through it.
So, our last piece of advice is to everyone who is doubting their abilities as parents and adults today. Those who are thinking, “Ugh, this is so hard. I don’t know if I’ll make it through.” You will. Where you are now is going to help you get to where you want to be. Just keep trying and pushing. We love you.
Ashlee Hendricks
Real Life Conversations Host
I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.
As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so weâve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that youâll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!
Rachel Robinson
Real Life Conversations Host
I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.
My husband, John, is a menâs gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.
But first, let’s go ahead and start with our glimmer and our dimmer.
Rachel’s July Glimmer
My glimmer this month is my daughter Finley. She’s learning to talk and she turns two in a week. We had just got done with the 4th of July. My kids do gymnastics because my husband coaches gymnastics, so we’re at the gym a lot. My daughter Finley doesn’t take class but was wearing an American flag leotard, because any time her older sister wears a leotard, she wants to put on a leotard.
So she walked into the gym, and this other mom was sitting there and said, “Look at you. You’re so patriotic.” And she looks at the mom and says, “I’m not patriotic. I’m Finley.” It was just so cute because kids take everything so literally. It was just a little glimmer and I’ll never forget what she said. Her speaking is just so cute right now, and I cannot get enough of it.
Ashlee’s July Glimmer
We both had glimmers this time around. We do a little 3rd of July thing with some friends. For the past couple of years, I feel like there’s been something that’s not gone quite right. Like, one time a firework tipped over. We resolved that and now have bricks around everything. And then we had one where we had this blowup. And then oddly enough, someone broke their arm. And we were like, oh my gosh, how does this keep happening? This year’s has come and gone, and no injuries or blowing up of anything. That is a win. Woohoo! My curse has been broken.
Then my half is that we’ve had a lot of family rolling into our home, which has been amazing. But also I’m feeling that struggle of keeping up on my household stuff. And I talked to Rachel the day before, and she was like, “How about Finley and I come over and help you clean tomorrow morning?” I was just like, “That sounds really great.” I was not feeling motivated to clean. I was not feeling motivated to do much of that. So then she shows up with a coffee, and we clean and chat. It was really good. And my windows – guys, you have probably seen gross windows, but nothing like these windows of mine and nothing like the table and underneath the table. Oh my gosh. She cleaned that and I will forever love her for it. I have been admiring the view from my windows the past two days, realizing just how good they look. That’s a glimmer of good friends and a sweet offer that made my whole day.
A Tribute to Summer Memories
When this airs, it’s going to be back-to-school time. Summer’s ending, and in the middle of summer, sometimes we’re in the moment of the emotions. We’re home altogether, which we talked about in one of our last episodes. But we both realize that sometimes at the end of the day, if you pause and you look back over your pictures of the day, I’m like, oh my gosh, everybody’s tired. Everybody’s exhausted. And so the kids are probably saying things like, “You never snuggle me” or “You never spend time with me” or things like that, where you’re like, we just spent all day together.
But it does get in your head where you think, maybe we didn’t. And then you pull out your phone or your computer, and you look back, and you’re like, it was a really good day. All these smiles and bright faces. And yes, there are hard moments, but the overall picture was wonderful.
Being Able to Capture Moments
I’m feeling really grateful for the ease of being able to take pictures and have those memories and how beautiful that is. And Rachel does a really good job of saving those and creating them into reels and things that our kids can look back on and feel so much joy from. So anyway, she’s going to give me a tutorial one day on how to do that. We actually talked about that, like maybe we need to have a little retreat. We will get a hotel and I’m going to teach you how to preserve memories in a fun way.
I saw something somewhere that said when we grew up, we might have like 20 pictures from 1992. And now we have like 80 pictures from this morning. So we’re so lucky to have such like such a detailed view of their childhood. We are the keepers of that and keeping it organized and accessible.
Ashlee’s Favorite Summer Experiences
I was going to share briefly some of the things that I’ve loved about our summer so far. One of them is that we ended up on a great little trip down to my mom’s, which was phenomenal.
It was so good to see her. We picked blueberries at my cousin’s house on their farm. Then we went to another friend’s farm where they had lambs and we got to hold them. Then we got to watch a mother birth two twin lambs. And it was magic. And then the fireflies came up afterward. You can’t even make this stuff up. It was just so amazing. It was beautiful and peaceful out there on their farm. I don’t know if all that just inspired us, but on our way home, we picked up some baby chicks a couple of hours from our house.
My kids held our baby chicks all the way home. We have a friend who is willing to take them when we can no longer care for them, but they spark so much joy. Levi tends to be naked in our backyard because that’s his happy place. Nake Levi chasing the chicks, I didn’t even know how much I needed that in my life.
There’s also been lots of fun time in the pool and other things. But, I feel like those are just a couple of our highlights that just keep on giving and have slowed us down even tooâespecially the chicksâjust slowed us down to just appreciate these moments.
Rachel’s Favorite Summer Experiences
We just got back from a trip to the beach in North Carolina. We were visiting John’s parents, who bought a beach house there about a year and a half ago. And this is our first time going out there, and it was so great.
I think my favorite memory from the trip is my son, Brecken. Throughout the trip, probably at least five times in the car, we would be leaving the beach and driving back to the house. And he would be like, “Mommy, why didn’t you choose to live here? Why did you choose to live in Nebraska?” And I’m like, “That’s a great question, buddy.” I could see his little wheels turning. Like, they have the ocean and they have a pool. And the only thing he said was, “But we do have a zoo splash pad.”
My girls do the same thing to us when we get back. We used to live in South Carolina. When we go visit, they’re like, what are we doing? You have to follow where you have to go sometimes.
How to Get Ready for Back to School
It has been a really good summer, but like it or not, school is coming back. I think for some moms, that is a huge relief. And for others, it’s a tinge of sadness because summer goes so fast. And it kind of depends sometimes on phases too, I think. It’s been a better summer with all of my kiddos. We’ve enjoyed that time altogether more.
Rachel’s Bedtime & Morning Routines
We make sure we get our kids to bed at a reasonable hour. And again, we know that that’s hard when the sun is up, but get those curtains closed and the routine going.
As far as morningâthis is for different seasons of life. I was sleeping until my newborn woke up and probably until she was about one. But then you come back to life again a little bit. And at that point, I felt like I could set an alarm, and get up and get the day going. That helps tremendously just to come downstairs and do a few essentials before the kids come downstairs. For me, that’s unloading the dishwasher, putting things away, throwing in a load of laundry, filling water bottles, and making breakfast.
If all of those things are done before the kids come down, I’m not a stressed-out mom trying to do all of these things while also having a little bit of time with my kids before they leave.
Ashlee’s Bedtime & Morning Routines
I feel like I used to be a morning mom and then I dealt with a little bit of postpartum depression stuff. I had a lot of hard stuff with my dad this last year and I went to my primary care and got help, something to kind of just boost me through this time when I’m still very needed at home, but also kind of wanting to grieve.
I have to try to gauge what I am able to do in the morning. I have been trying to utilize that time to rest a little bit more, but I’m hoping to adjust back to this because I have had the best success with that as well, starting on my own terms. Because when Levi wakes up, he’s kind of grump at first. I don’t know if it’s low blood sugar, and if that’s what I wake up to, that is really hard. Then there’s two of us that are grumpy, and I’m not helping him work through his. I’m not able to stay calm.
Avoid Rushing
It helps to not rush too. If you don’t feel rushed with the kids, then they don’t go out the door rushed. I never feel great when I’m scrambling, and then my kids can sense that too. And so like, trying to avoid that rush means giving yourself enough time, whatever that is, to get up, even if it means waking your kids up when you’re like, oh, they’re still sleeping.
Pack Lunches the Night Before
One of our other favorite things is packing lunches the night before. If I’m trying to do lunches and feed them breakfast in the morning, I realize that I’m grumpy, and it’s too much. And your kids can even help the night before too. I’ve noticed since mine are a little older that they can tell me what they want in their lunch. They love that.
I do feel like halfway through the year, my kids forget that home lunch is actually an option because we lose our steam. The beginning of the year, we’re like super moms packing amazing, healthy lunches. Then by the end, they are like “Mom, I need more lunch money on my card.” And I’m like, “Ok, yeah, you do.” The winter blues set in and hot lunch it is.
Set Expectations for Activities
With back to school comes back to activities. Yes, there are summer camps, but the regular weekly activities begin again, typically. It’s important to have conversations with each of our kids about what is important to them, and what their goals are.
How many nights a week do they want to be busy? How many nights a week do we want them gone? How many nights a week do we want them home? And I think it’s important to preserve childhood as well, because if we have activities every single night, when do they get to play? When do they get to be a kid?
They’re sitting at desks most of the day at school, and they need that time. Also knowing that there are only so many parents to go around to do drop-offs and pickups. We don’t want to just become a taxi service. We want to be parents. I think having that open conversation with your kids and spouses is important. It takes a village to do it all and make sure it’s something that everybody can manage.
Find Time to Connect as a Family
Finding time to connect is going to be different than it is through the summer months. There might be a day when we have school, and then we have to rush to gymnastics or whatever the sporting event is. And your time with your kids is that car time. And you know that going into it. I get these 20 minutes and recognize that that’s the situation and being ready. This is my time. I cannot wait to connect with my kids on this car ride. I’m going to focus on this moment because that’s so important to find moments of connection throughout the day. When you don’t have a lot of time, you have to value what you have and make it impactful. Even if it’s a small amount of time, if it’s purposeful, it has the same effect. Our kids feel seen and loved. We need moments like that each day to fill us.
Ask Specific Questions
When we do pick up our kids from school and we ask them about their day, I feel like we can easily ask the generic question, “How was your day?” But then you’re kind of stuck. Try to find questions that kids can answer, because when you ask about a kid’s whole day, a lot of times the last thing they did is what’s on their mind. What happened in the morning is long gone.
If you ask specific questions like, “Who did you sit with at lunch today?” or “What’s something that your teacher said that made you laugh?” Specific questions that have an answer that isn’t just good, are very helpful in connecting and getting deeper. That’s another way to learn more about what’s going on in your kids’ lives because they’re gone for so long. We don’t always know what’s going on.
Make Nighttime Purposeful
At bedtime, try to make it purposeful and connect as much as possible. That’s the last thing they’re feeling before they go to bed and are ready to start the next day. I think creating that safe space in our home for them that if something’s happening at school, they feel like there’s a moment in the day to talk to us and that we want to hear. That’s invaluable to create that for them and ultimately what we want.
That time is usually when it’s quiet and calm. When there’s chaos in your home, it’s not going to be a time when they’re like, “Mom, I really need to tell you something.” But if they know that there’s going to be a moment where I’ll have Mom’s full attention for five minutes, whatever, then we can talk during that time.
Tips for Starting Kindergarten
If you have someone who’s starting kindergarten, please know that you’ll get through it. We’ve been there, and you feel all the feels. But you’ll get through it and it’s going to be great. It’s such a growing year, and that makes our mama hearts happy to know that they’re somewhere where they have great friends and great teachers. And I feel like LPS is a wonderful school district.
Thanks for tuning in. We appreciate you and hope that you found some valuable stuff from this, too. You don’t need to do motherhood alone. Come join our village. Exactly as you are.
Ashlee Hendricks
I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.
As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so we’ve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that you’ll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!
I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives. My husband, John, is a men’s gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.
So we’re going to start with our dimmer first. A joint dimmer. It probably seems like we talk about this a lot, but this was too good not to talk about.
Our families met up for a little dinner playdate, and the kids were all playing so nicely together. But there was a point where I thought, “Things are a little too quiet.” So I went downstairs looking for the kids. I heard their voices in the distance. I went into the guest bedroom downstairs and looked through the window. In the window well, they’d created a little home for themselves and they had a bag of Cheetos and our boys’ shirts were off. They were truly living their best lives.
I captured that cute moment on my phone of the kids playing together outside and was showing Ashlee, talking about how well they were doing on their own. It made us remember how excited we were when we both had Levi and Brecken because we knew that they were going to be best friends. Sure, it took a long time for Levi to warm up, but we’ve finally hit that point. It only took three years, but they are like brothers now.
Not five minutes later, the dads come running around the corner, holding naked children and saying, “Poop! There’s poop! We need some help! We’re calling in backup!” Rachel’s two-year-old daughter had smeared it all over her body, and when John first grabbed her, he said, “I don’t know if it’s poop or mud.” But there was no question in our minds what it was.
But we’d just checked on them! And they were fine then! But somehow, only a few minutes later, they’d stripped down naked and all taken turns. Needless to say, we all got to know Rachel’s bathtub really well that night.
How to Build Sibling Relationships in the Summer
So as you know, if you’ve been following us, we each have three kids. Ashlee has two kids in school, and Rachel has one kid in school.
This time of year, we’re getting the family back together for the summer and things shift. It’s not the same. It’s not the same amount of structure, not the same amount of activities and a lot more home time together. Sometimes, that feels exciting, and other times it feels a little overwhelming. We find ourselves thinking, “How are we going to navigate this? What is this going to look like?” So we put together a list of some things that we think help foster sibling relationships.
Give Everyone Grace
Realize that it might take time to get back in the swing of things because we’ve had so much schedule and structure around waking up, eating breakfast and getting out the door. But that is going away. Our kids are going to have a lot more free time and a lot more time to be bored.
So just give them and yourselves grace through that transition. At first, there might be more arguing, more complaining and more boredom. Remind your kids that there’s a whole world out there, and they have the opportunity to think creatively and fill that time however they want. It’s not your job as a mom to entertain them always.
Allow Alone Time
Our oldest children are very similar. They need time to step away from others, take a break and recharge solo. We let them read, draw, or just spend quiet time with themselves. Our middle children, on the other hand, really struggle with being alone. They want us to entertain them when our other children are napping, at school or need that alone time.
Sometimes, our middle children don’t understand that their siblings don’t want to play 24/7. So, as parents, just recognize that every kid is different, and if somebody needs a break, we don’t have to suddenly go home, but still give them space to step away for a bit. Also be so happy for your extroverted kids that one day they’re going to have their people, and they’re going to get their cups filled every single day by being around others.
Set the Tone
Rachel was an only child growing up, and she didn’t have any idea what she was missing. People always ask, “Weren’t you so bored?” I wasn’t. I had a great childhood. But watching my kids, I now realize what a gift it is that they have each otherâthese built-in best friends.
And if you foster this relationship, it really can be special. They don’t have to be fighting all the time. I do believe that, as parents, we set the tone for our home and the way that the kids treat each other. If we’re treating our kids with respect and love, they can be really good friends.
Now, that doesn’t mean that there won’t be moments. There will always be moments, every single day. That’s just life.
Let Them Be
In moments like that, the other part is to teach them to work through things on their own. If the kids are playing and they’re disagreeing, try not to interject yourself as a parent when you don’t need to.
When they’re playing nicely, it’s easy to let them be. But it’s when they start to squabble a little bit that makes me want to jump in right away. But I’ve seen my kids work through it without my help. In any relationship, I think, when you have a fight and you work through it, that builds trust and that strengthens your relationship because it helps you realize that you can have a disagreement and still love each other. You’ll still come back together eventually. By not stepping in too soon, you’re allowing your kids to build their communication skills together.
Jump In With Curiosity
But what if you do need to step in to break up an argument between your kids? Make sure not to pick sides. Jump in with curiosity, like “Hey, can you tell me more about what happened?” or “I want to hear what happened from each of you.” Oftentimes, just them stating their perspective is all that needs said. Then, you can validate the way they felt with phrases like “I could see why you felt that way.” And finally ask, “How can we work on it together?”
Create Friendly Competitions
Instead of doing kid versus kid, because that pits them against each other, find ways to put them on the same team. We like to do kids versus parents. We’ll make up races for bedtime routines, like who can get their jammies on first or brush their teeth fastest. Our favorite is the bad breath monster, where one of us pretends to be a monster that loves the smell of stinky breath. All of our kids will rush to brush their teeth so the monster doesn’t get them. They’ll close us out of the bathroom and laugh together. Anything fun motivates our families.
That way, they’re on a team and working together toward a common goal. We want them to be rooting each other on, as opposed to fighting with each other.
It’s just a great whole family bonding experience, which is exactly what summer is for. You have more time together, so enjoy it in a low-pressure way. You don’t have to get up so early in the morning, which means you have more time to make routines fun, instead of feeling like you have to get your kids to bed because everyone has to be up at a certain time.
Plan Family Meetings
We don’t always do this, but it’s something we both would love to startâmeeting once a week and talking about what the week is going to look like.
What’s on our schedule?
Who has what camp?
What time do kids need picked up?
What are we going to have for dinner?
Are we having people over?
Who’s sport is happening this week?
How are we going to support our family in their activities?
Be Supportive at Sporting Events
Sometimes sports are long, especially with a three-year-old who is ready to go five minutes in. But for your older kids, I think it’s important to cheer on their siblings. I always ask my kids, “How could we make your brother or sister feel like a million bucks?” Emphasize that they’ll get their turn someday too by saying something like, “When it’s your time to do your sport, your brother or sister will be right there rooting for you!”
Ashlee’s oldest had a big team commitment this year, which made it feel like a whole family commitment. Anna, her middle child, wasn’t involved in much, which really fit her personality. She’s very curious and can make anything out of nothing, really. Even though she wasn’t involved in many activities, she was still so supportive of her older sister. It was really amazing to see. She set the tone for her siblings cheering on our family. And it’s such a special gift to not be envious or disinterested of someone’s passion. She truly was so happy for her sister doing something big. I’m beyond grateful for her and for how she handled that this year. I’m so proud of her. It’s a big deal.
Eat Family Meals
Anytime that you can be together as a family unit, make it happen. An easy way to do that is eating more meals together now that some of your commitments have slowed down. We just had a family meal the other day that lasted like 40 minutes. John and I were laughing so hard during the chaos. We were calming down potty words every five seconds, breaking into song while eating, standing on chairs and having so much happy chatter.
What was said at dinner doesn’t matter much. It’s the significant feeling of cheerfulness, happiness and contentedness that will stick with my kids. It was one of those moments where I looked at my family and thoughts, “Wow, this is our life. How amazing is this?”
Dinnertime is my chance to be with my kids, sitting down and looking at each other, to notice how wonderful life really is with them.
Set Aside 1on1 Time
I don’t know how I’m going to do this quite yet, but I’d like to try to do a little bit of independent, one-on-one time with each kid each day. Even if it’s ten minutes of playing their favorite game with them and having my other two kids play with each other during that time, knowing that they’re going to get their time with me.
It’s hard when everybody’s all together to still get any individual time. And if one sibling gravitate to one sibling, it would encourage them to play with the other sibling they don’t usually gravitate towards for a little while.
Rachel signed her son, Brecken, up for preschool two days a week through the summer, but really debated if she should do it. Because it wasn’t really needed. I’m home. But then I started to think my oldest daughter, Ellie, who hasn’t had any one-on-one time with me since before Brecken was born. That’s why we decided that it would be a good thing to have afternoons for one-on-one time with Ellie while Finley naps and Brecken is at school. Other than bedtime when I read to her, she hasn’t had my full attention in so long.
Now, she’ll get intentional time with me. I know that’s not everybody’s situation, where you have that option. If that’s the case of you, finding pockets of time (only five or ten minutes or so) to give your child your undivided attention is key.
Our girls actually called us out for that the other day. Fridays are family movie nights in our house. John and I had gotten to the point where we didn’t even realize it, but they were watching the same shows over or shows that we became disinterested and gradually started having just the kids watch the show. But not too long ago, they said, “Hey, this is supposed to be a family movie night. You and dad need to be there.” That showed us how important it was to them, which I didn’t realize. So John and I got down at their level and said, “You know what? You’re right. We will make sure that it is a priority and that we are there with you.” With that promise, we did make sure that we’re going to keep variety in the shows too. We’re not going to just watch cartoons. We’re going to sometimes watch educational or inspirational shows, like Planet Earth.
Build Up in Public
The last thing I wanted to say is that we have little ears always listening to us, especially at these younger ages when I think parents are a kid’s biggest role model and impact on their lives most. When you get into those teenage years, maybe the peers have more influence than parents.But at this stage with the ages of our kids, we have a huge influence on their thoughts and their feelings on the people around them, the things around them and how they process the world.
So, if we’re saying negative things about their siblings in front of them, they are hearing that and they are internalizing that. Even if they don’t realize it, it is impacting the way that they may treat their brother or sister. So just really try your hardest, even if you’re so frustrated with one of your kids, to not say that in front of another child. Save it for after they’re in bed. Take a moment away from the kids to vent to your husband or let it out in another way. But build up your kids, as opposed to tearing them down.
An example is my youngest daughter, Finley, loves to sing. Every time she sings, I say, “Finley, you are such a good singer.” One day, my daughter Ellie was singing, and Finley looked at her and she goes, “Ellie, you’re a good singer.” I can tell that she hears me, and she knew that was a nice thing to say to her sister. She wanted to build her sister up.
There are always two ways of saying something. Find a positive spin on a negative situation. I’ve noticed that with my son, Levi. When he’s crying, I try to remember that he’s three and doesn’t know how to work through emotions yet. He won’t always feel these emotions this big. For now, we need to be his safe place and normalize to our other kids that you have hard times when you’re little, instead of telling him, “Stop crying” or “What is wrong with you?” or “Why won’t you stop?” Because my kids are going to hear that and think, “Yeah, what is wrong with Levi?” Nothing. He’s normal. He’s three. He’s having a hard time.
To keeping things positive between siblings, parents have to model it themselves. Anyway, we just wish you all luck as you move into your summers. We know you’re doing a great job. Have fun!
Ashlee Hendricks
Real Life Conversations Host
I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.
As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so weâve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that youâll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!
Rachel Robinson
Real Life Conversations Host
I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.
My husband, John, is a menâs gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.
Hi, I’m Ashley. And I’m Rachel. Welcome to our series, CapitalMOM Real Life Conversations. This week, we’re going to be talking about bedtime routinesâhow they’re different for every family, but ultimately how we use this time to connect with our children in different ways. We’ll talk about different age ranges because we have ages from one to nine.
So, first is our glimmer and our dimmer. Today, we both have glimmers.
Ashleeâs Recent Glimmer
Mine’s super short and sweet. My three-year-old has had a really hard time staying in his bedânot a crib anymoreâand sleeping through the night. I had a really long stretch of not good sleep. It was very interrupted, and I was always taking him back to his bed. I was having to take him back so many times a night that I eventually just gave up and let him sleep in my bed for a little while.
To fix this, my amazing husband has been sleeping on a pad in our hallway for the last three days to catch our son before he comes out of his room. That way, I can get some sleep. Both of us have been happier together because of it. So, thank you, John, and a huge thanks to all the parents that support their partners’ sleep. It makes a big difference.
Rachelâs Recent Glimmer
Mine is going to be short and sweet this week, too. My little one-year-old, who’s almost two in July, has just had an explosion of language recently. It’s the cutest thing ever. I love the one to two-and-a-half-year-old stage where they’re learning so much.
My daughter is very into Elsa in Frozen right now. We started with Moana, but our whole family got sick of it, so we transitioned. So now, she has three Elsa dresses, and she sings all the songs with big arm motions.
The new thing that she does is she’ll come up to us and say, “Question?” I’ll say, “Yes? What’s your question?” She’ll reply, “Snowman?” Like, “Do you want to build a snowman?” from Frozen. And then she starts singing, but she doesn’t know all the words, so she just kind of gets the last word of every lineâplay, anymore, door. And then she’ll go, “Yay!” and everyone will clap for her. I could just bottle that moment up forever and ever.
Sometimes if I need a little smile, I’ll ask Finley, “Do you have a question?” just to hear it again.
A Variety of Kids’ Bedtime Routines
First, we just want to acknowledge that bedtime routines can vary. All of them can look differently, and all of them can still work beautifully for your family. It just depends on what it is that you want.
But what we try to focus on ourselves is at least just having it be purposeful in how it looks and then trying to make it connecting with each of our kids individually.
Ashlee’s Family Bedtime Routine
I have three kiddos aged three, seven, and nine. So obviously, bedtime looks a little different with each of them. We’re constantly adjusting our routines to try to match the needs of our kiddos and us as parents. But disclaimer: both Rachel and my routines are long.
Basically, starting at a particular time is the best thing that helps for us. Getting started with bedtime is where we get tripped up the most. Wintertime is a little easier for bedtime because it gets darker earlier. But the sun comes out in the summertime, so I never want to go to bed, and the kids don’t want to go to bed. We all end up suffering afterwards, though. Without putting my kids to bed on time, I don’t get a moment to myself. I can’t clean or tidy the house. My husband and I don’t get any time together. So this summer, we’re working to get better with this.
After starting at the same time, we do the normal things like, getting PJs on and brushing teeth. Obviously, I have to brush some of my kiddos’ teeth, but my nine-year-old is doing it on her own now.
Then, I’ll have my nine-year-old start reading on her own, or sometimes she’ll work on mind puzzlers. My seven-year-old saw her do that and kind of started doing it, too. Anything to get them tired and slowing down.
My nine-year-old is the one that doesn’t slow down as easily, so a longer bedtime is helpful. Otherwise, I’m rushing her, and that makes it hard because I don’t feel connected with her when we do that. It’s always when we’re trying to speed up bedtimes that my kids start sharing something really meaningful. That’s when I have to pause and try to create space for anything that they want to share.
When time allows, we’ll go in and read a couple books with her. She’s just started reading chapter books on her own. My husband challenged her to read The Magic Tree House book in one day, and she did. So now she’s like, “Oh, I can do this!” and super into it. We’re really excited about her reading journey.
With Levi, my youngest, we read three books in the rocking chair. He picks them out. And then we hop in bed and sing a song. My husband will even pull out the guitar sometimes before lights out.
After everyone is settled, we try to give an extra quick snuggle or something and tell them we love them before leaving. Levi likes to be snuggled until he falls asleep, though. Usually, I don’t lay with my kids until they fall asleep, but lately he’s been waking up in fits and terrors. I have a hard time not responding when they’re crying, and I can’t tell if it’s a hurt cry or a sad cry or something else. I at least want to let them know that I’m there. So right now, I do lie next to him until he falls asleep, which he does fairly quickly. I’m actually kind of enjoying that right now, especially because I know it won’t last forever.
The other day I asked Levi, “What is it you like about me being here?” And he said, “You make me happy.” So I know that this moment is an important connection and that it won’t be forever but that it is valuable.
For a little while, he didn’t allow John to be there. Rachel and I talked about advice that we read and ways we could help with that issue instead of just saying, “No, stop. You’re going to Dad.” That reaction almost made it worse. We taught our husbands how to respond, framing it as something like, “I know you really want mom right now, but you get me right now. And this is how it’s going to be great!” Fortunately, we’ve passed through that phase.
Rachel’s Family Bedtime Routine
Ashlee’s routine is very similar to mine. Recently, my husband and I have really found our rhythm with the kids’ bedtime. My husband goes with my son every night, and I stay with the girls. We went through trial and error, trying different things. For a while, we would alternate nights. It just didn’t work. So we just stopped trying new things.
Now, we try to go up to bed between 7:30 and 8:00, but this can change depending on when we get home from gymnastics. On nights when we’ve got dinner and baths done on time, we really enjoy our relaxing bedtime routine. It’s pretty much the same thing as Ashleeâteeth, take the hair out, and then reading time.
Reading is very important to me, which is funny because I never liked reading on my own as a kid. So I didn’t think that I would be reading to my kids. But I love it. It happens so organically. We go to the library once a week. We get a big load of books and haul it upstairs. I don’t set a number of books to read with them. I go by time. I usually snuggle up and read to all three of my kids for about 45 minutes.
My one-year-old will sit there and listen to all these stories that are definitely highly above her level. Sometimes I think I’m doing her a disservice by not reading her baby books all the time, but I did the same thing with Brecken, who’s my four-year-old, and she’s now in first grade and excelling in reading at school. I just feel like the kids will rise to that level and that they actually will develop those vocabulary skills earlier. To be clear, I see so many benefits to reading that are more than just vocabulary. It’s stories and getting immersed in your imagination. I’m bad at this. My kids will ask me to tell them stories and I can’t think of anything.
When we’re done with reading time, that’s when my husband takes my son and I stay with the girls. At that point, we read a chapter book or a more challenging book for my oldest. And then I will take my one-year-old with me to co-sleep. I know there’s opinions about co-sleeping, but it works for us so that’s what we do. I’m going to move her to her room very soon when she turns two.
A Friend’s Family Bedtime Routine
One of our best friends, Barbara, and her husband do bedtime a little differently. They each are able to take turns. Obviously, this is dependent on both parents being available in the evening times, which is not always the case. But it works for them, where they trade off evenings with their three kiddos. She puts the baby down first and then spends time with her two older girls.
That way, one of them puts everybody to bed one night, and the other person gets a complete night off. We think this can be a great strategy if you want to prioritize meeting some of your needs individually, all while still having time to connect with your kiddos. I think it’s important to remember that you and your partner are a couple and worth investing time into that relationship.
For Ashlee and I, we just genuinely love that time with our kids too much to give it up. So even though we don’t always have a chance to talk to our husbands in the evening, we still think it’s worthwhile to connect with our kids at bedtime. It’s all about finding a balance.
An Instagram Mom’s Bedtime Routine
A person we follow on Instagram shared that her bedtime routine looks very different. Her kids are, I think, a little bit older than ours. What I love about hers is she does everything in 20 minutes with each kid.
She starts with the youngest, which I think in her case is a six-year-old, and just gives that child 20 minutes of super intentional time. But it’s not reading, which is why for me right now, I don’t feel like I’m at a point where I want to do what she does. Reading for our families is too important currently and they can’t read independently yet.
But I think that when my kids get older and they’re reading on their own, they can do their reading time while I do my one-on-one time with my other kids. I also like that this is kind of a tiered system, where your oldest gets the reward of being up the latest.
I remember when she said that, I thought “Whoa, that’s an hour every night. You’re committing.” But then I remembered that I give my kids an hour or an hour and a half every night already. So it’s very doable.
Besides, this is your window time into their souls. This is when you’re going to get those deep, heartfelt moments that maybe you’re not going to get during the day because you’re busy in a chaotic household with three kids. But bedtime is a special time where they can slow down and connect with your hearts.
Advice for Parents Struggling with Bedtime
Nothing lasts forever in bedtime. So if you’re going through a hard time where your kid is not falling asleep, is coming to your room every night, and you’re exhaustedâor if you’re tired and not wanting to do bedtime on bad daysâor you have a baby who’s waking up crying wanting to nurse every night, just recognize it’s a season.
Yes, it might be a hard season, but knowing that it’s a season is bittersweet. It’s realizing that this is not going to last forever. Your child is not always going to come to your room. Eventually, he’ll get to the point where he’s a big boy and he doesn’t need to be in your room anymore.
Just recognize that their childhood goes so fast and that the season will pass, and you will get through it. Remember that you’re doing a great job. If you’re trying, you’re doing great. Your bedtime can look however it needs to look. We got your back.
Ashlee Hendricks
Real Life Conversations Host
I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.
As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so weâve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that youâll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!
Rachel Robinson
Real Life Conversations Host
I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.
My husband, John, is a menâs gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.
3,591,328âthe number of babies born in the U.S. in 2023. Wow! Thatâs a lot of homes adding a new family member. And what about the 1 in 25 U.S. families who have at least one adopted child? Or the six million U.S. households that have more than three generations living under one roof? How about the 203,770 children that entered foster care in 2021?
Adding a new member to your family can be challenging for everyone. A smooth transition begins with open and honest communication. If you or someone you know is preparing to add a child to their family, here are a few tips to prepare the whole family for the changes.
Start the conversation early. Be open and honest while being age-appropriate.
Spend individual time with each child and try to continue things you did with them before the addition, i.e. watching movies, reading, etc.
For older children, consider writing encouraging notes, or getting them a card or a little gift.
Model healthy expression of feelings such as, âIâm feeling overwhelmed right now. Letâs take a break.â This normalizes a healthy response and feeling big emotions.
Communicate the need for safety (physical and emotional) of the new family member.
Teach children that crying is one way babies communicate.
Normalize that it may be âannoyingâ or âloud”, but remind them that we all cried when we were babies too! Or give an example, âRemember when you fell and scraped your knee and cried? What happened? You cried and I came to see if you were okay, and we put a band-aid on it. Your crying got you the help and comfort you needed.â
Build on each family memberâs strengths. For example, if your youngest daughter is great at organizing, have her help organize things in the home ahead of her siblingâs arrival.
Encourage family and friends to give all children equal attention. This will avoid current family members feeling forgotten when the new family member is in the home.
Preparing Young Children
Infancy to Age Two
Young children, infancy to around age two, donât fully comprehend the addition of a new family member, so simple things may help them adjust.
Be positive and talk about the baby or new family member in a positive way.
Kids are very smart and will seek to emulate your behavior and attitude. If youâre positive, they will feel positive.
Look at and read books about babies or changing family dynamics.
Do something special when the baby arrives. I still remember getting a âBig Sisterâ pin at Bryan when my little brother was born.
Toddlers
The toddler age can be a territorial age for children as they feel strongly connected with caregivers.
Relate things to a TV show, movie or book they love.
âPracticeâ for a new baby by getting a doll and showing them how to handle it as if it were a real baby.
Involve them in preparing.
Work on routines that will help everyone. For example, toilet training, moving from a crib to a bed, reinforcing or making adjustments to sleep schedules.
Let them spend âspecial timeâ with someone important to them ahead of the new memberâs arrival.
School-Age Children
School-age children tend to be a bit easier in preparing for a new family member but still need reassurance and help adjusting. Remember to keep open communication and encourage questions and curiosity.
Explain whatâs going to happen in a way they understand, including the âgoodâ and âbad”.
Let them help prepare for the arrival.
Practice with a baby doll, or if you have a close family member/friend with an actual baby.
Provide positive reinforcement for them by saying things such as âYouâre such a great big brother/sister.â or âI can tell you really care about ______.â or âYouâre such a great helper!â
Let them come to the hospital as soon as possible after the baby is born so they continue to feel like a part of the growing family.
Managing Regression
Children may experience regression, âchildishâ behaviors, from time to time during this process of adding a new family member. For example, wanting to drink out of a bottle again, bed wetting or having accidents, or using a âbabyâ voice. When children regress, remember itâs normal and thereâs nothing wrong with your child.
Here are a few facts and helpful tips to manage regression:
Childrenâs brains arenât fully developed yet, so regression is a way they feel loved and cared for.
Attention is ATTENTION to a childâs brain. Even when a child âacts up,â they are getting attention which reinforces the idea that someone cares. They donât understand the depth of what or why they are acting this way, but this is how they are communicating their need for love, affection and reassurance.
Regression typically resolves on its own, but if not, use resources to help.
Use books, friends, family, religious or cultural support, medical professionals and counselors.
Reinforce the positives. Even the smallest positives help build reassurance that they are loved and their needs will be taken care of.
Try to increase individual time with the child thatâs struggling or be creative in finding ways to include them.
Support Each Other
There are no perfect ways to handle changing family dynamics, but these tips and tricks may make the transition smoother for everyone. Children are innately curious and thrive off love and affection. There is no right or wrong way to adjust your family dynamics as long as supporting each other with open communication and honesty is at the root.
There will be tough times, so give yourself grace. As your family grows, you all may experience some âgrowing pains”. When you seek to understand and support each other, youâll all grow together.
Cassie Finkner, MA, LIMHP
Mental Health and Substance Abuse Counselor, Bryan Counseling Center
Cassie provides individual therapy to adolescents and adults. She specializes in trauma, including PTSD, major mental illness, suicidality, substance use, depression and anxiety. Cassie has been specifically trained in Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Motivational Interviewing (MI), however, utilizes a variety of different treatment modalities based upon the individuals needs to meet their treatment goals. Additional experience includes working with people encountering housing instability, poverty and trauma related to military experiences, including deployments and crisis intervention.
This week, we’re going to talk about getting out of the house with our kids and things to do in our local community. But before we get into that, we just want to say thank you for being here. We recognize that, in this world, there are so many things that you can tune into, so many things that you can listen to and watch, and your time is precious and valuable. The fact that you’re choosing to spend it with us just means so much to us. So, thank you.
We’re going to start with our glimmer and dimmer. This week, Rachel has the dimmer and Ashlee has the glimmer.
Rachel’s April Dimmer
Mine’s just kind of boring, and it’s a dimmer. Ashlee and I have had to reschedule recording this video several times because my kids have been sick. It wasn’t just one sickness. Everybody got through the throw-up sickness. And then everybody went through the next sickness. And then the next new sickness.
So, I mean, it was about half of March that we were home sick. It just was not fun at all. We’re finally on the other side of itâexcept my husband. My husband napped today. When he’s sick, he takes lots of baths. I just feel so bad that everybody has had to get it.
But I think the worst one was the throw-up sickness. My daughter, Ellie, had it first. The next day, we were supposed to go to our family’s cabin like we do every Saturday. Even though my one-and-a-half-year-old was throwing up, I still decided that it would be a good idea to go to the cabin.
Besides, she had paused throwing up that morning. She’d even fallen asleep. I planned to drive to the cabin while she slept. Well, she probably threw up at the cabin seven times.
Then she stopped. I was relieved, only to realize my next kid, Brecken, caught it. Great. On our way home from the cabin, my son threw up all over my car. It smelled horrible. We finally got home around seven that night and everybody needed baths and my car had throw-up in it.
Because my husband was out of town, I called my dear mom. She came over and cleaned the throw-up out of my car while I was upstairs doing bath time. Once I finished with baths, I took a shower while the kids were downstairs watching a movie. While I’m taking my shower, my oldest comes up and says, “Mommy, Brecken threw up all over the stairs!”
My poor mom had just finished cleaning the car, but she comes in with her little green machine and gets to work = on the stairs right away. Bless her heart. She’s a saint.
It’s so real-life mom, though. All moms have towels to put down when the kids are throwing up. Or a spare mattress they can use to sleep next to the kids, just so that we don’t have to clean up our own mattresses. Do you ever hear the faintest little sound and you’re awake with the bowl in your hand ready to catch throw up? Because that was me. I don’t even know how we wake up that quickly. It’s like a super power that I wish I could have for myself in the morning.
Anyway, I’m so glad to be on the other side of those illnesses and seeing my kids laughing, dancing and singing again.
Ashlee’s April Glimmer
Mine’s got some good humor in it, too, OK? I’m seeing this one as a glimmer.
This morning, I had a few things I needed to get done, like respond to text messages. While I’m sitting there on my phone, my three-year-old, Levi, comes up to me and says, “Mom, I want to play with you.”
I respond, “OK, bud, I need to finish this first.” It’s Saturday morning and there are three other people in the house, so I was expecting him to wander around and find someone else to play with while I finished my tasks. Responding to my texts is taking me a little bit longer than I expected, anyway.
But, he actually was persistent. He asked me a few more times, but was really patient when I held firm. All of a sudden, he dashed off down the hallway. He came back and said, “Mom, I just set a two-minute timer for you. And when the timer goes off, then you can play with me.”
I couldn’t believe it. If you saw our last episode, we talked about how I set a timer and give my kids two minutes to wrap up whatever they’re doing before transitioning to another task to help regulate everyone’s big emotions. And he totally did that. He parented me.
It was so awesome that I said, “You bet, bud!” All while thinking, “I’m not sure I’m going to be done with this in two minutes, but I will be because you’re following through with what I’ve been teaching you at home.”
It was a mom win. So, even though I didn’t get to finish what I was doing, it was OK because there was no fighting. There was no angriness. And when the timer went off, we went and played because I wanted to be sure I was enforcing his behavior. Expectations should go both ways.
Why You Should Get Out of the House with Your Kids
Getting out with your kiddos creates community, helps handle our big emotions and mental health, and gives us new experiences and new people. It also helps create a pause, which we’ve talked about before, or a much-needed break from your responsibilities inside the house. Once we step outside, it feels like everything that was inside that was noisy and needed us can wait. When I’m outside, I’m not worried about so much anymore. And I’m way more present with my kids.
Common Struggles That May Prevent You From Leaving the House
There are plenty of struggles when trying to leave your home with littles. We could be tired or the weather could be bad. There are a lot of different reasons that we’ve experienced in our littles’ lives that have made us not want to go out that day. But ultimately, we need that break, too. We need to step out of the house probably just as much as our kids do. we regret it when we don’t.
Household Chores
Some moms see their home as their safe space. I think home should be a safe place for everyone and our kids, but when we’re at home, there’s an endless to-do list. I look around think, “Well, I may as well throw in some laundry” or “I should unload the dishwasher” or do some other chores. Oftentimes, during these tasks, my youngest will say, “Mommy, come sit with me. Mommy, come do this.”
I usually respond with “Just let me finish this one thing.” But sometimes in my mind I wonder, “Is this what I really need to be doing right now? I really should be here sitting with my child. That’s what I want to be doing.”
But we also have houses to maintain. It’s real life. Balancing those responsibilities is really hard. So sometimes just removing yourself from a space with distractions and things that need to get done can help you to focus on your kids.
Strict Schedules
My biggest barrier is currently my kid’s napping routine. Every day at one in the afternoon, I need to be home. From 1:00 to 3:00, my child is sleeping at home. So, when I’m looking at our day, I realize that if we don’t do anything in the morning, that means we’re going to be home from the time we wake up until mid-afternoon. That’s a really long day for me to be sitting in our house. I tend to feel cooped up if I don’t go do things.
So in my current situation, I find it works best for me to go do something in the morning. Here’s our tentative family schedule for the week:
Monday: Ashlee and I meet at the library for story time with Miss Diane in the morning. Here, our kids get to pick out books for the week. Then, my daughter goes to school. After school is gymnastics.
Tuesday: We usually have a small plan (like grocery shopping) in the morning, and my son goes to preschool in the afternoon.
Wednesday: Swim lessons for my son in the morning and gymnastics after my daughter gets out of school.
Thursday: Preschool in the afternoon and a standing playdate with Ashlee afterwards.
Friday: This is our long day. My daughter’s dance lessons don’t get done until 6:30. My son has nothing planned, so I hope for a nice day outside so that we can keep busy at a park.
Saturday: My family goes to our not-so-fancy, homemade cabin built in 1928 on 90 acres in the woods. I grew up going there. My dad’s grandpa built it. It’s only about 25 minutes away, and there’s nothing to do there except be with my kids away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Here, my kids play outside with sticks, we make a fire and it’s wonderful.
Sunday: No plan.
Having a routine is good for my kids because my almost seven-year-old knows what’s happening. She can recognize that today is Monday, which means that she has gymnastics after school. I know that not everybody has the same schedule constraints, like Ashlee doesn’t have kids who nap anymore, so she’s a little bit more flexible.
But not having structure can throw you for a loop, too. With all that flexibility in a schedule, it makes it so that sometimes we let the days get away from us a little bit. Ashlee can realize at two in the afternoon that she hasn’t left the house. By then, it’s too late because she needs to go pick up the girls in an hour.
Negative Emotions
Lately, I can feel very overstimulated very quickly, whether it’s noise or the things I have to do. Some of it has been because of hard family circumstances that have eaten up emotional energy that I have. Not having all of that reserved energy can suddenly make hearing three requests at the same time from my kids, or a loud noise, or whatever, really overstimulating.
The world quiets down outside for me, though. The only things that really matter in those moments is being present. So find whatever quiets the negative emotions for youâlike being outside or exercising together as a familyâand be willing to do the tedious preparation for those activities.
For example, with Rachel’s cabin, every week she thinks, “Ugh, this is so much work to do this. I have to pack up snacks and coats for every kid if it’s cold. We need to remember a toy for our dog and some stuff to play baseball. Then, we spend forever loading up the car. When we get home, I always want to wash my car because the cabin is on a dirt road. The kids need baths before bed. It’s a full day. Do I really want to do this?”
But every single time we get home, we’re so glad we did it.
What You Need to Be Successful Out of the House with Kids
What are your go-tos when you go to get out of the house? What are the things you need to just be successful?
Convenient Destination
This mom on Instagram, @chanwiththeboys, talks about how it doesn’t have to be complicated to leave the house. As a mom, you don’t always have to do kid-centered things, either. It doesn’t always have to be the zoo. It doesn’t have to be things that are intended for kids. If you need to go to Target, go to Target and bring your kids with you.
I did this last week with my son. I bought macaroons and ate them in the store while he played in the toy section. Before we went, I reminded him that we weren’t going to buy any of the toys and he respected that. We had a great time, and I didn’t spend too much.
Minimal Toys
This same Instagram mom took her three boys to a coffee shop. She said the only thing that she brought to entertain them was a tape measure. That’s it. She turned it into a game with her kids. She’d say, “Go measure that table over there!” And they’d all run over, stay busy for 45 seconds and then come back. Then, she’d repeat the process, “OK, go measure that chair.”
Sometimes, we make it so complicated in our minds and think we need to entertain our kids. We want to be present in their lives, but at the same time, we don’t always want to be their entertainers. At the cabin, my kids are so happy with sticks. Other than a baseball, I don’t bring toys.
When you get outside, they might feel bored at first. That’s normal. They’re understimulated. It’s good for your kids to be bored. It forces their minds to think of something to do. You’ve just got to give it some time.
Snacks & Water
I usually need a snack and water, too, obviously. Or we can have a snack right before we leave, and then we can get out the door. At least with these items, I know we’re going to last a little while and be OK for a long time out of the house.
Rachel always has her snack bag. It’s become a little bit of a crutch. We will have just eaten breakfast, and then I’ll go to swimming lessons with my son. On the way he asks, “Can I have a snack bag?” Because he knows if we’re leaving, I have the snack bag. So I don’t know. Gauge that one for what’s going to be best for you and your family.
Change of Clothes
I also grab an extra pair of clothes. Because that way, when we’re out and about and the kids get dirty, I don’t care. I can just shrug it off. It’s fine. They’re clothes. They’re washable. Even my kids are washable, so it doesn’t matter if they get muddy or grassy.
If I have extra clothes, I’m not stressed about them getting back into the car. They can play unrestrained. That’s why I’ll keep an extra set of clothes in the car. Now, obviously, that’s different when I had younger children. My older kids do even better. But younger, you’re going to need a diaper bag.
Favorite Places to Go with Our Kids
Here’s where we love to take our littles for kid-friendly activities in Omaha and Lincoln, Nebraska:
We already mentioned the library.
We love a local resource, Macaroni KID, which has family-friendly events that are either free or really, really inexpensive. You can probably find the Macaroni KID equivalent in your area.
We also like to go to the zoo or an aquarium if you have annual passes.
Another favorite is walking around Scheels. They have a playground, a Ferris wheel and kids meals with a giant ice cream cone for like $5.
Similarly, I used to have some mom friends that would meet up over at Chick-fil-A. The kids would have fun in the indoor play area.
We can’t forget The Little Red Farm in Palmyra, Nebraska. It’s a cute farm with pigs, chickens and cows. They do story time once or twice a month for kids. After story time, you can feed the chickens. That’s how we met and became friends as moms.
Know that we’re in this with you. We’re working on leaving our homes with our kids more, too. Maybe we’ll see you out there. You don’t need to do motherhood alone. Come join our village exactly as you are.
Ashlee Hendricks
Real Life Conversations Host
I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.
As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so weâve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that youâll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!
Rachel Robinson
Real Life Conversations Host
I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.
My husband, John, is a menâs gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys
Sometimes it feels like our kids really donât care about school. Even when theyâre smart and underachieving, or especially when theyâre failing school, itâs not as simple as not caring about school.
A Shift in Collyns’ Approach to Schoolwork
Collyns, who is in fourth grade, shows no enthusiasm for school and learning. We knew it was important to address the problem head on. Recently, we attended her parent-teacher conference. She is doing fine in most subjectsâexcept math. We wanted to see what her teacher was observing in the classroom.
She has never been an A+ student, but she has always tried her best. Lately, however, she does her work for completion points and doesnât seem to care if itâs done correctly. She isnât asking for help at school or at home if she does not understand the problem. She takes some steps to solving the problem, but if she doesnât know what to do next, she stops and says itâs complete even though itâs not done correctly.
How to Turn Resistance into Positive Motivation
The teacher told us that the important thing to remember is that Collyns is motivated. Sheâs just motivated to resist us and others when she does not want to do something. The key is to learn how to turn her negative motivation into a positive one. That’s why we worked together with her teacher to address the early signs of motivation problems and discussed how to provide a better learning environment for Collyns.
Timing Is Key
One thing we realized is that we ask our children to do their homework right after schoolâbefore we get home and the chaos of practices begin. Collyns always has her homework completed, but neither Mitch nor I check to see if itâs done correctly. This has now changed. One of us will look it over and see if she has done it correctly and help her if she hasnât.
Build a Support System
Next, she asks her older brother, Cohen, to help her with the homework she does not understand. Cohen didnât have a problem in math. He continues to excel and gets his homework done correctly most of the time. Fortunately, he understands her math homework and is willing to help her problem solve.
The motivation is to do things her way, not ours. The motivation is to retain power. Her motivation stems from not knowing what to do next. Now that we have a system in place, when she gets stuck, she has an outlet in her brother.
Praise the Process, Not the Result
Lastly, we started praising her hard work, not just her overall grades. Instead of rewarding her grades, our reward comes in the form of verbal encouragement, praise, hugs and other positive attentionâagain, not focused on grades, but rather on the learning process in general.
We now regularly ask her about what she is learning each day and engage with her when sheâs excited to tell us something about school. She seems to be doing better with her math homework and hopefully it will show on tests. I am thankful Cohen is willing and able to help her with her homework. We will continue to praise her for working hard and finding her motivation.
In addition to the time I devote to being a mom, I also work full-time outside the home, which means my day is hardly ever as simple as nine to five. With an all-too-established schedule, as soon as I walk through the door, my day doesnât end, but rather just begins. Itâs a balancing act, especially with two children, but being a mom is one full-time job that I never want to quit!
CapitalMOM approached us at the end of 2023 and asked us to create some content talking about motherhood, our motherhood journeys, and relatable conversations that we’ve experiencedâand continue to experienceâas moms that you’ve probably experienced as well.
In this, we want to invite you to be a part of this. Please share thoughts or ideas of topics that you would like to hear. And just know that we are in the throes of motherhood. We are in the real life-ness of it all. We’re so happy to be on this journey together and would love to have you be part of our mom tribe.
Get to Know Rachel & Ashlee
Let us introduce ourselves so you get to know us a bit more.
All About Rachel
I’m a mom of three. I have a six-year-old daughter named Ellie, a four-year-old son named Brecken, and a one-year-old named Finley. I grew up in Lincoln.
I went to Hawthorne, Leffler, and East High. I was a dancer, and I even danced in college. My husband is John. He’s a gymnastics coach for the men’s side at the University of Nebraska Lincoln (UNL). My kids take gymnastics once a week at Go Big Red, and they get to know the UNL gymnasts.
I taught health and PE for nearly nine years before I became a stay-at-home mom. I worked until my firstborn was two and a half, and it was hard. I felt like I was missing so many of her precious years and stages. I finally decided to become a stay-at-home mom when my son, Brecken, was born with a lung injury. And I’ve been a stay-at-home mom since. I love it. I think I love it so much more because I have the perspective of what it was like to be a working mom.
All About Ashlee
I have three kids as wellâEllie (nine), Anna (seven), and Levi (three). We are not from Nebraska originally. We lived in Utah and South Carolina before. My girls were born in South Carolina, but my littlest, Levi, was born in Nebraska.
My husband and I met at the hospital. He thought he was going to be a medical doctor. He decided to be a business doctor instead. But now, he works at UNL at the business college as a professor. I work at an OB/GYN clinic, still utilizing my nursing skills and getting out of the house routinely.
Our Monthly Glimmers & Dimmers
Each month, we’re going to share either a glimmer or a dimmer from something that just happened recently in our lives.
Rachel’s February Glimmer
My daughter Ellie has a lot of passions and always wants to do things. She comes up with new ideas all the time. Sometimes, I can make them happen, but sometimes I just can’t because there are only so many hours in a day.
Last Friday, she came home from school with a book about tea parties. She wanted to have a tea party, make at least three different creations from this book and invite her friends. So, on Saturday afternoon, we made sponge cake and she asked me if I had texted her friends. I hadn’t yet.
On Sunday morning, she asked me again, “Have you texted my friends?” I said no again. But finally I asked Ashlee’s husband, “Is there any way Anna could come over for a tea party today?” And he responded, “Yes!”
So it happened. Anna, our neighbor, my son and another friend were my daughter’s four guests at this adorable little tea party. We set up the living room all fancy. Everybody arrived dressed up. It was the cutest thing ever to see all the little kids at the tea party and making her dream come true over such a short period of time. It felt like such a ray of sunshine seeing them sitting around our dining room table pouring tea.
Ashlee’s February Dimmer
My dimmer happened this morning as I was getting ready. My little guy, who is three, is playing in the tub playing with color-change cars as I’m putting on my makeup. I look over and I see he’s squatting. He looks down and says, “Mom, I just pooped in the bath.”
Oh, the very realness of toddlers and motherhood. I had cleanup duties. Even though I don’t have a dog, I was cleaning up as if I did. I don’t need more chaos with a puppy or another kid right now. I’m just trying to survive now.
How Did Rachel & Ashlee Meet?
Ashlee grew up on a farm and was feeling homesick. So, her family found a cute little place called Little Red Farm just outside of town with a children’s story time. During story time, Ashlee notices that her daughter is playing with another little girl., so she strikes up a conversation with that girl’s mom.
We put ourselves out there a little bit. We started chatting and learned that our husbands, both named John, both worked at UNL. Our oldest daughters were both named Ellie. We lived three minutes away from each other. So then we just asked, “Do you want to be friends?”
Now, after three years of knowing each other, our kids are best friends. Seeing how God orchestrated our friendship is amazing. It’s really rare to find someone who you get along with, your husbands get along, our kids get along and we live close. That doesn’t happen very often, which is why we feel really grateful to have found it in each other.
Hardships in Finding Friends as a Mom
Starting From Scratch
Trying to make friends in a new place is really tough. Sure, it’s exciting with all of the newness and adrenaline. But when Ashlee moved to Nebraska, it was a clean slateâno family, no friends and no safety net. But she knew that having other mothersâother women, not just momsâthat supported her and that she felt like she could have something to offer to them was really valuable. Even if you haven’t moved out of state, it can be difficult for moms who lost touch with high school friends and had college friends move back to where they came from.
Exhaustion & Rejection
Meeting new people is almost like datingâfriendship dating. There’s a very genuine exhaustion of putting yourself out there and wondering, “Are you going to be my friend? Are we going to jive? Do we have the same parenting styles? Will our husbands get along? Are our kids going to like each other?” With so many unknowns, it can be kind of exciting in some ways, but very tiring.
No Bonding Activities
It’s especially difficult meeting fellow parents when your kids are little. Instead of having sporting events or extracurriculars as the catalyst for bringing everyone together, you’re the one creating all of the experiences. Ashlee’s kids were four and two when they first moved here.
Encouragement for Building Your Mom Tribe
We both have an amazing mom tribe. If we go out of town, we have people to watch our kids and rely on. But we worked so hard to make it happen. Here’s what we did that worked.
Be Vulnerable
You have to put yourself out there to make friends as an adult. Though it’s not easy, no matter what phase of life you’re in, you have to just do it because otherwise it’s not going to happen.
We used to go to a lot of places where we’d see cute moms that we’d like to talk to because they looked like people we’d be friends with. But many times, we’d just say hello and not take it any further than that. Until we met. We were clearly both in need of a mom friend. That interaction inspired both of us to not be afraid to approach people.
If your kids are playing with somebody and that mom looks relatable, go up and introduce yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask for their phone numberâthe really scary part.
Stay Persistent
Just remember that there’s really nothing to lose. You try it. If it doesn’t work out, no problem. If you try it and it does, you might have lasting friendship. Maybe you get three numbers but they don’t respond to you. That’s okay. They might not be in the place to accept new friends yet. But one of those times, it will work out and you’ll feel like you’re in the right place. There’s even a chance that they’re the one to reach out first, and that means a lot when you’re the one doing a lot of reaching out.
Look for the Good in Others
There are just so many good people out there. If moving around has taught me anything, it’s that there are just so many good people out there. Everyone has something to teach youâabout others or about yourself. You’ll meet them.
Find Your Ride-or-Die
There are different levels of friendshipsâtopical friendships and deep friendships. You need to have at least one person that will drop everything and be there for you. Someone that’s going to meet you where you are. Someone that picks up the slack when you’re feeling blah.
Encourage More Than One Mother Figure
My daughter, Anna, came to me once and said, “Mom, I have three moms. I have you, Rachel and another mom in our neighborhood.”
I said, “That’s great!” And she respond, “I think you’re my favorite.”
After that, I was a little hurt. But I didn’t need to be. It’s a blessing that she feels comfortable enough with two other adults in my life that she knows she could go to them as if they were her mom. I’m so glad that my daughter has other female figures in her life because I’m just one person with strengths and weaknesses of my own. She’s going to learn things from them that I can’t teach her, and they’re going to give her so much extra love. I will never be sad about that.
You don’t need to do motherhood alone. Come join our village exactly as you are.
Ashlee Hendricks
Real Life Conversations Host
I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.
As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so we’ve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that you’ll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!
I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives. My husband, John, is a men’s gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.
Whether it’s a snow day home from school, an unexpected business meeting, or a childcare arrangement that fell through, there probably will be times when Iâll need to leave my child home alone. It’s natural for parents to worry when first leaving kids without supervision, but here’s what you can do to prepare your kids for staying home alone.
Is My Child Ready to Stay Home Alone?
Did you know thereâs no hard age for leaving your kids home alone in Nebraska? Everyone says it depends on the child and how responsible they are, but it can be hard to know when kids are ready to handle being home alone. It comes down to your judgment about what your child is ready for.
My kids are at that age where itâs questionable. My son is almost 13 and my daughter is almost 10. My brother used to watch me while my parents were away at that age. It was a nightmare for me, and I didnât want that for my daughter. Granted, Cohen is nothing like my brother, but they still argue and fight.
Every child is different, but I worried that my kids didn’t have the maturity and skills to respond to an emergency if they’re alone. However, my son said he was ready, and my daughter was okay with it.
Practicing Home-Alone Trials
We decided to do some practice runs, or home-alone trials, before we left for the evening. We let them stay home alone for 30 minutes while we ran to the store and were easily reachable.
When we returned, we talked about how it went and the things that we needed to change or skills that Cohen might need to learn for the next time. We discussed a plan for if he needed to get himself and his sister out of the house, which neighbor they should go to first, second and third.
Our Rules for a Successful Home-Alone Routine
Before my husband and I left for a couple hours with friends, we set ground rules:
No opening the front door.
Only let the dog out the back.
No going outside.
No using the stove or ovenâthey knew what meals and snacks were available, instead.
Donât tell anyone, including your friends, you are home alone.
Donât ignore your sister.
Cohen is in charge, but if there’s a problem, call or text me, grandma, and/or 911 in case of an emergency.
We also scheduled a check-in call. We made sure Cohen understood when we were available and when we might not be able to answer a call. We created a list of friends and family he could call or things he could do if they got lonely. We gave them all the electronics.
Finally, we stay consistent. We’re never gone for more than a couple hours. We are never more than 20 minutes away. And they will never be left alone overnight. We set a schedule and stick to it.
My Takeaway: Staying Home Alone Is Empowering My Kids
My son handled it well. Staying home alone was a positive experience for him, giving him a sense of self-confidence and independence. So, cover your bases and relax. With the right preparation and some practice, you and your child will get comfortable with home-alone days in no time!
In addition to the time I devote to being a mom, I also work full-time outside the home, which means my day is hardly ever as simple as nine to five. With an all-too-established schedule, as soon as I walk through the door, my day doesnât end, but rather just begins. Itâs a balancing act, especially with two children, but being a mom is one full-time job that I never want to quit!
Happenstance. I was mindlessly scrolling through Twitter eight years ago when I came across a tweet seeking ideas for a mom in the Lincoln, Nebraska area. I sent off a direct message, and a month later, my blogging journey began.
Growing Alongside Us
For eight years, I have been blogging for CapitalMOM. Eight years of sharing my family’s story with you, my readers. You have watched as our oldest daughter grew from a freshman into a young woman planning her wedding. You have watched our senior daughter grow from a stubborn, creative little girl to a young woman who is determined and passionate about her beliefs and values. You have watched our freshman son grow from a courageous kid I only wanted to protect from everything into one of the kindest souls with the most infectious smile you will ever meet. You have watched me doubt my parenting, struggle with grief, share joyâor cryâover the new stages of life, teach accountability and inspire our kids to do good in our world.
Thank you doesnât justify the feelings going through my heart right now. You, my readers, have been part of our familyâs story. Before blogging every month, I prayed for my fingers to pen a story that would impact just one of you. However, I believe I was impacted the most. As I continued writing this portion of my story, I changed for the better. Because of you, I am a better mom, wife, friend, teacher and person. No matter the thoughts flowing from my heart to the keyboard, I knew somewhere, somehow one of my readers would be inspired, and this encouraged me to better my writing and my story. We may never cross physical paths. However, I blogged to share our story to inspire you.
My Son’s First Wrestling Win
In my final blog, I want to share a paragraph our son wrote after his first-ever wrestling win. I ran across this letter while cleaning our kitchen this summer. This letter is nearly ten years old, and the message is stronger today than ever.
“This was my first year of wrestling, and I wanted to win a match for my dad. It took a lot of practice and effort, but it was worth it. I was wrestling a Waverly kid, and my dad was trying to take pictures of the first and second periods I was in my stance. The Waverly kid and I got up. I took a shot. I had the Waverly kid on his back during that time. I got back points as the time ran out. I won my match. My dad was so happy. I learned never to give up, even when you think you will lose a match.”
Always Be in Someone’s Corner
The point of sharing this isn’t the last sentence, but the part where my husband was there with the camera. My husband was in our sonâs corner that day. And he noticed. I hope you’re always in someone’s corner. Whoever that person may be for you, whatever they may need (love, discipline, encouragement), always, always show up in their corner.
Thank you CapitalMOM and thank you to my readers. You all have a special place in my heart, and know I will always be in your corner because you were in mine for eight years.
My husband and I have three kids. Our oldest is a freshman in high school, and our youngest is in second grade. Most days, I feel like we are a âtag-team chauffeuringâ service, yet I wouldnât have our life any other way. Not only I am a business/technology teacher at Milford, I am also the district technology integration specialist. I love teaching because I get the opportunity to make those around me better. My hope is that, through my blogging, I am able to inspire, encourage, and share with you my adventures of being a wife, mother, and professional.
As a mother, I’ve experienced the joys and challenges of raising a daughter, watching her transform from a tiny bundle of joy into a remarkable young woman. It’s a journey filled with precious moments and bittersweet transitions, a constant dance between cherishing the past and embracing the future. Life paused me in my busyness this week and gave me much-needed quiet moments with my family.
A Fond Farewell to Childhood
Sometimes, I miss my daughter. I miss her bouncy, tight curls. Now, I see her in front of her mirror, perfectly assembling a low bun or braid. I miss the little girl, but I love the young woman she is becoming.
Sometimes, I miss the many colorful tutus. Now I see her wearing jeans, a button-down farm shirt and OnClouds. I miss the little girl, but I love the young woman she is becoming.
Sometimes, I miss the little girl running to me with a nail polish bottle. Now I see her eyes light up when she has perfectly manicured nails. I miss the little girl, but I love the young woman she is becoming.
Sometimes, I miss her holding her hands wide open for her dad and me to move her, as she was too lazy to crawl. Now, she is my chauffeur. I miss the little girl, but I love the young woman she is becoming.
Sometimes, I miss her stubbornness. Now, I see determination. I see someone passionate about pursuing her goals. I miss the little girl, but I love the young woman she is becoming.
My Journey Towards Letting Go
I texted Addi, âI have decided I do not want you to graduate high school.â
I am a selfish mom. I donât want that little girl I dearly miss, who is growing into an amazing young woman, to leave home.
I start to cry. I miss the little girl, the one I could protect, the one I laid next to all those nights when she couldn’t sleep, the one who gave the best squishy hugs, the one I showed all of lifeâs simple wonders to.
I cry because I know I am selfish. I cry because she is graduating high school. I cry because the best is yet to come for her. That is all my husband and I have ever prayed forâthat the best life will come after our kids leave our home. We have taught them values, given them experiences and shown them to love life. When the day comes to move out, our hearts will be full.
I cannot guarantee I wonât miss the little girl or the young woman Addi is becoming, but I can guarantee that I am excited about her next chapter. And I will cry because the best is still yet to come.
My husband and I have three kids. Our oldest is a freshman in high school, and our youngest is in second grade. Most days, I feel like we are a âtag-team chauffeuringâ service, yet I wouldnât have our life any other way. Not only I am a business/technology teacher at Milford, I am also the district technology integration specialist. I love teaching because I get the opportunity to make those around me better. My hope is that, through my blogging, I am able to inspire, encourage, and share with you my adventures of being a wife, mother, and professional.
