Mom Hacks

Mom Hacks

by | Oct 28, 2024 | Real Life Conversations

Whether you’re a new mom or a seasoned pro, here are some mom hacks that we have learned—sometimes the hard way—over time that you can start using today.

Mutual Glimmer

We’re going to start with a glimmer today, and it’s a mutual glimmer. It’s a really fun one that hopefully other people can try. Ashlee hadn’t had real family pictures taken for a couple of years, and Rachel has a halfway decent camera. So one day, Rachel said, “Hey, let’s just go to Pioneers Park, and I’ll take your family pictures free of charge. I want to experiment with my camera anyway, so it’ll be something fun for me.”

We were both excited about it. And it was so fun. It went really well.

For not being professional, the photos turned out really good. The other thing that we realized and loved about the experience was that the kids were so comfortable with Rachel. We captured very genuine, real smiles, and we all had just a really great time. Ashlee’s husband left and said, “I think I actually like family pictures now.” Whereas in the past, we showed up and felt very stressed, which the kids sensed, and they felt so pressured to smile at a stranger and capture the perfect moments.

So our takeaway is if you have a friend that is in need—or you want to trade photography services back and forth—just get dressed up and do family pictures. Because proof of mom is so important. So often, we take pictures of our kids, and we have a million pictures them, but we’re not in them. So having proof that I’m there, too, and I’m part of this whole childhood experience is priceless for a mom.

Family Photo Tips

You don’t need a fancy camera to do this. I was visiting family, and they hadn’t had their family pictures yet since having a new baby. I said, “I’m no photographer, but let’s take some pictures.” I shot them on my iPhone and edited them from my phone, too. They turned out very decent, and my family is going to be really grateful that we did it.

For pose ideas, there’s some really great resources on Instagram, or I’m sure on the internet, too. But if you can find some photographers who give you ideas of how to make it fun so that you get the real, genuine smiles and not just the awkward, forced smiles that none of us want to put on our walls.

For example, we stood behind the camera. We told our kids they couldn’t turn around or tag us until they heard the secret number. So we shouted our random numbers, and the kids stood there, excitement building. Finally, we said the magic number and they came running towards us—all with huge smiles.

Another photo tip that worked during our session was having everybody frown at once until someone said the magic word. When someone shouted the magic word, we all smiled. That way, we all smiled at once. In previous family photo shoots, by the time we got our two-year-old to smile, our seven-year-old was done smiling. So getting everybody at the same time was huge, and all the smiles were so big and bright.

Also, for family pictures, I always give out mini marshmallows so that in between pictures we can keep the kids’ attention and interest with marshmallow breaks. Everybody stays upbeat and positive and the treat isn’t messy.

Leave Socks & Diapers on Main Floor

For other mom hacks, we’re going to start around the house. In my two-story house, I have socks. I’ve learned to socks on the main floor. Because when it’s about time to leave and I tell them to put on their shoes and socks, usually the kids are like, “I don’t want to go back upstairs. Mommy, will you come with me?” Instead, I just keep a whole bin of socks on the main floor. Easy peasy.

Same with diapers. We have our diaper bin upstairs, but we also have a spot to keep diapers on the main floor so you don’t have to run back and forth around the house. So just make it easy. You don’t need to make life more complicated.

Make an Art Cart

I stole this idea from Rachel because it was such a great idea. Every time my family comes in the house, the kids can easily go over to this art cart and grab whatever they need to stay occupied while I’m making dinner or finishing another task.

The art cart is just a rolling cart. It’s three tiers. I got it on Amazon. It’s full of markers, paper, stickers, and any other non-messy making materials. We organize or restock it about every three weeks. And we always keep it in the same room as us because humans want to be around each other most of the time, especially littles.

Keep & Display Art

Obviously, you can’t keep everything your kids make. Lots of art is made in this home, especially my oldest, so we have little binders for each age. I’ll have “Ellie’s Art, Age 4” as a folder and “Ellie’s Art, Age Five,” as another folder. That way, she can reference back to her work as she gets older.

And she knows our system. She’ll ask, “Are you going to put this in my file?” So, if she worked really hard on something and is really proud of it, we put it in her file. A good way of knowing whether or not to save it is if they’re feeling like it deserves to be in the file, we put it in the file.

And Ashlee, who has older kids who don’t create as much art as quickly as littles, puts their artwork up on the wall by the art cart, and everything stays up there for a long time. Once the picture has faded or needs to be replaced, we pull them down, and they’re not sad about it because they’ve seen them enough at that point. To hang the artwork, we just use tape. Nothing special. I don’t use a special frame or anything like that. We just tape them on the wall, and the kids love it all the same.

Or if you don’t like to keep anything paper, I have a friend who takes pictures of all of her kids’ artwork and creates a chat book, a digital version of their pieces—which is great if you ever wanted to print it again.

Organize Childhood Mementos

Going along with my artwork system, I have a tub in the basement for each kid. So three big tubs, each filled with files, each file with a year—kindergarten, first grade, second grade, third grade, everything. I have them all prepped up until 12th grade, which makes me so sad to think about. Oh gosh, they’re going to be that old someday soon—sooner than I would like.

Anything that comes home from school—school pictures, report cards, whatever it is that I want to keep—goes in the binder. The preschool years are real full, and then it lightens up as they get older. I also have in there a “Tooth Fairy” file, where I keep in their little certificates from the Tooth Fairy and a “Letters From Santa” file.

If you don’t already have a system like this in place and want to adopt it but are feeling overwhelmed, you’re not alone. The thing I’ve learned is if you just do a little bit at a time, it’s not so stressful. You don’t need to organize your whole kids’ childhood at once.

Use a Hair Caddy

We talked about an art cart already, and it’s a similar concept, but because we both have girls, we use hair caddies. All three of my kids, even my son, use this. It’s great.

Half the time, our daughters are not going to go into the bathroom again once they’ve left the bathroom, or trying to get them both in the small bathroom at the same time is nearly impossible. Hence a little box or a caddy! We just keep brushes, mousse, gel, hair brushes, ponytail holders, little clips—and of course glitter—in it.

I love doing my kids’ hair. It’s like a creative outlet for me. So having all the supplies on hand is really helpful. Often, I will do their hair when they’re having their breakfast. They want to be doing something while I’m doing their hair.

For the longest time, I could not get my middle child to even let me brush her hair. And she looked a little bit homeless for a couple years, but she didn’t care. It was one of those battles that wasn’t worth fighting. We just kept her hair really short during those times. But now she’s at that point where she’s letting me brush it and she’s brushing it, but only while she’s doing something else.

My daughter started piano about a year ago, and she’s supposed to practice ten minutes a day. That’s about how long it takes me to do her hair, so I do her hair while she practices piano. It’s a win-win because then she has an audience. She’s not sitting by herself playing for no one.

Kids watch what you do with the older kids. So now my two-year-old asks me, “Mommy, can you do my hair? Mommy?” She’s begging for me to do her hair.

DIY Haircuts

We each have one boy, and we’re really grateful that we taught ourselves how to give our boys haircuts. It saves $20 for a little haircut every two to three weeks. That adds up over the course of a year. To get the trimmer on Amazon, it’s not pricey. Plus then you can cut it the way that you want to have it cut, too. I just set an iPad in front of him while we do it, and that usually works really well. And our husbands can cut their own hair as well.

Buy Secondhand Clothes

Speaking of finances with kids, used clothes. We use second-hand clothes anytime we can. Rachel and I have actually have been sharing clothes back and forth for a while now. Her little boy is one year older than Levi, and my girls are older than her girls, so we drop off clothes that our kids have grown out of that are still in really good condition. It brings me joy to see that the clothing is being used again. We recommend finding someone you can clothing swap with or using Once Upon A Child.

Another thing with clothes that I really love to do is take full advantage of my credit card through Old Navy. It doesn’t have to be Old Navy. It can be anywhere that you love, but Old Navy is a really good one that I just build up rewards points on and then get free clothes over and over and over again for my kids from Old Navy. It’s basically free clothes, and it feels good to know that what you’re using rewards on is stuff that you really need.

Pack Extra Clothes

I feel really strongly about this one. I always keep spare clothes, whether it’s underwear and a dress or shirt and shorts, in my car or in my backpack any time we go to do a play date or outside the house. The reason I do that is because I never want my kids to feel like they can’t play when they’re outside.

If they get muddy or if they get spilled on or if they get messy, it’s no stress. We can just say, “Hey, no problem, I’ve got extra clothes.” Maybe there’s a fountain that we didn’t know was going to be there. Cool, go play in it. We’ve got extra clothes when we get back to the car, and that has relieved the stress on my mind so much and allowed me to let my kids enjoy their childhood in that way.

This is another good plug for used clothes because you’re not stressed about the condition of their clothes. You can keep your nice clothes for when you need them.

Set Up Inside Mailboxes

I was getting overwhelmed with mail. It would come in to our house, but there were times where I would want John to see the mail too. But we wouldn’t catch each other during the week, so the mail would pile up. It was so messy, and I felt bad.

So, we created a spot for an in-house mailbox. Now, as soon as the mail comes in, I sort it immediately. Stuff that I don’t care about goes in the trash right away, and I put stuff that I have questions about in our box. I also put anything that the kids bring home from school that they want to show me that Dad hasn’t seen yet in that same spot.

On Sunday, John and I take 30 minutes to go through the mail together. That way, John can also see the work that the kids are doing. So far, it’s been really great. I think he feels more in tune with what they’re doing and we’re more on the same page about what bills are coming up. Sometimes, finances can fall on one or the other in a couple, but it can be overwhelming when that person is having a hard week or a hard month. With this mailbox, you guys are on the same page about finances at least once a week.

On the bottom is coupons, grocery stuff, and meal-related things. Any coupons that come in the mail go in the bottom. That way, for times when I don’t know what to do for dinner, I go to the coupons before looking anywhere else to try and financially help. Dining out these days is not cheap.

Cook in the Afternoon

Ashlee and I both came to the realization not too long ago that if we’re going to cook a dinner for our family, it’s really hard to do after school. When we pick up our kids, the house just gets busy. There’s noise. There’s homework. There’s after-school activities. On those days, it’s nearly impossible to cook.

So we’ve realize that if we cook at, like, 2:00 PM, the cooking will actually get done.We have a window right before school pickup from 2:00 to 3:00 that’s our time to get meals ready for the evening when there’s a little bit of a lull in the day. It’s been a game-changer. I have cooked so much more this school year than I ever have before.

And all it took for that realization to hit me was just someone saying, “Don’t cook dinner at dinner time. That’s your problem.” And it was my problem because I want to be there for my kids when they come home from school. That’s a really special time, and they’re so excited to talk to you. The last thing I want to do is be distracted with figuring out a meal to make.

Have Weekly Schedules on the Fridge

If you have little ones who have lots of activities, especially in the summertime, I recommend weekly schedules on the fridge. Our schedules change week by week in the summer, but during the school year, they’re pretty consistent. For summer months, we might be doing camp one week and a wedding the next weekend. So I print out our schedule and create the schedule with my littles.

I pull up pictures and involve them in the process. So, for example, if we have gymnastics on Thursdays, we get on Google and we type in “gymnastics clip art” and they find the little gymnast that they like, and we print it off and put it on the fridge. I also write the words for my older one that can read.

A lot of times, kids have no idea what’s going on and they feel helpless in the schedule. This gives them a little ownership in their day.

Plan Early for Holidays

Our last life hack is very timely. We’re already talking about Christmas, even though it’s October. We’re not like trying to push Christmas too quickly by any means. We’re actually trying to do the opposite a little. We’ll explain why.

I feel like Christmas kind of can catch up on us. Planning ahead and getting your Christmas lists and shopping started now is really helpful, first of all, financially because you’re spacing the purchases out. So if you’re going to buy a few things in September, a few things in October, a few things in November, a few things in December, instead of doing everything in December, all that money doesn’t come out of one paycheck. Taking your purchases and spacing them out makes it a little easier on your family financially.

It also is just easier for me mentally to feel like I have most of it done already. I know it’s down in my basement and wrapped. Everything is ready to go, and I can enjoy the holidays and not feel stressed. I have so many things to do and get ready for the holidays that I can’t even enjoy the fun and the beauty that it is.

Whatever way you want to purchase your gifts, whether it’s Black Friday or Prime Days or just seasonal sales, finding those little ways that you can get ahead so you really can soak up the special holiday time with your kids and not stress financially is so worth it.

So much falls on us as mothers to create this magic during the holidays, and we want it to be just that—magical, not stressful. So thinking a couple months ahead might seem a little early. But honestly, we think it will pay dividends in the long run, for sure.

What are your best parenting or life hacks as a mom? Drop them in the comments. We would love to hear your ideas, and we might do another post with more life hacks in the future.

Ashlee Hendricks

Ashlee Hendricks

Real Life Conversations Host

I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.

As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so we’ve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that you’ll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!

Rachel Robinson

Rachel Robinson

Real Life Conversations Host

I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.

My husband, John, is a men’s gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.

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Raising More Inclusive Kids

Raising More Inclusive Kids

by | Sep 23, 2024 | Real Life Conversations

Hi, we’re Rachel and Ashlee, hosts of Real Life Conversations with CapitalMom. First of all, thank you again for joining us. We always are super grateful to have you here.

Ashlee’s September Glimmer

Today, I’m going to start real quick with my glimmer, which is more of a general one. I feel like as parents and as moms, we have to make decisions that are best for our whole family, even though maybe if we only had one kid, maybe the decision would look differently, and making decisions and changes like that.

Like when we go out and we try something, and then we realize we need to make a shift or an adjustment—it’s about moving into those unknowns again. That’s something that’s hard for me. I feel a little anxious in unknowns. I like to get a feel for something, and then once I like it, to just be there, because then I know what happens and I know what to expect. And when I make a change, there’s a ton of unknowns suddenly around it. How is my kid going to react? How is the environment going to be? Is it going to be what I hope? Was it the right decision? All the questions.

Anyway, I just feel really grateful. I have been pushing through that uncomfortable period of unknowns and trying new things. I’m so proud of my kids for how they’ve been handling it, and I’m proud of myself for sticking with it even though it was really hard. If you’re in a moment in life where you have to move into something uncomfortable, to do something that’s better for your family, I I encourage all of you to just hang in there and trust your mom or dad intuition. You know best for your circumstance.

Rachel’s Game Day Glimmer

Mine is totally different. I was honestly racking my brain what I was going to say, but then, last night, we went to a Husker game, and there was this lady behind us who was probably in her late 80s. She was just the cutest lady ever. She loved my husband. I got there later than him, so when I sat down, she leaned over and goes, “He’s a cutie, isn’t he? I like him.” Later, my husband told me that she grabbed his face and kissed him on the forehead.

But this lady was just so joyful. We started talking, and she told me that her husband had just passed and that she was alone in the United States. She had moved here from England. I asked if she was at the game with her daughter, but it was her neighbor who she’d met because their dog would run away to her house and she’d feed it treats. Before we left, she told me, “I won’t be here next week because it’s my birthday, and I’m going to Omaha to go to Red Lobster.”

She was joy in human form, and I actually cannot wait to go to the next game to see her. She just reminded me that the way we interact with other people around us can have such an impact. She could have just sat there and not talked to us, and we could have not talked to her and gone about our lives. But we didn’t, and it made an impact on both of us. That’s the life lesson that I keep learning—if you have something nice to say or you feel inclined to talk to somebody, do it because it usually just brightens your day and theirs.

How to Help Your Kids Be More Inclusive

This topic came to us because our little ones have been back in school. We thought it was the perfect time to talk about this topic because maybe it’s something that your kids are experiencing right now or will experience at some point. Their attitudes are starting. In my mind, I don’t expect that to happen until middle school, but we’re so wrong. That happens younger. I’m sure it gets worse—or more intense—in middle school, but still.

Our kids are coming home, telling us different things about school, all with common themes—exclusion and lack of choice. Their friends are telling secrets, things they aren’t allowed to hear. Students at recess are playing with others but telling our kids they can’t come. Or even physically pulling our children in one direction to force them into an activity and not giving them any say or choice.

So, we want to chat about developing strategies and having those tough conversations with your kids about how to handle these situations, and how to make sure they’re not the ones making other kids feel left out. We even spoke with school counselors to further develop these thoughts.

We hope that with these suggestions, your kids will feel more empowered to handle the situation and know that you support them and want to help them through a tough situation. Obviously, as parents, we want to help them, but it’s important to draw the boundary that we’re not going to go fix it for them, unless it gets to a level that there needs to be some involvement. Instead, we want our kids to know we’ll always be a listening ear.

Use I Statements

Instead of pointing fingers at the other kid and saying, “You’re so frustrating!” or “You’re not being nice. You’re so mean,” we ask our kids to turn that around by using I statements. This empowers our kids to use their voices and say what they think. It’s not pointing fingers. It’s showing how someone else’s actions impacted them. Statements like “I feel frustrated when you won’t let me play with you” instead of “You’re being mean because you’re not letting me play with you” gives a completely different feeling to the conversation. It also teaches them to show a little vulnerability and humanity.

It also gives the other person a chance to respond to that as well, as opposed to push away, because anyone will probably get defensive if someone says “You’re being mean.” But if your kiddo says, “I’m feeling left out,” that’s very different. They know that word. They know what it means to feel sad. Those are words that kids naturally want to respond in a compassionate way toward.

Reinforce That Their Voice Matters

Just remember that your child’s voice matters, and it’s so valuable. Sometimes, kids retreat and hide and don’t say what they really think or want, while other kids maybe stand up and say not-so-kind things back. Of if your child is caught in the middle of two friends—where they feel like they want to be with both people—it’s good for them to recognize that the loudest one often gets them because they’re the ones that are speaking up more.

It’s natural to gravitate to the louder, more in-your-face personalities. You gravitate to the squeaky wheel, in a way, because many think, “Well, they obviously need me because they’re saying it so forcefully.” Eventually, though, this will help them break that cycle so that they aren’t always rewarding the loudest voice. You don’t always need to be with the loudest person in the room.

Let Them Solve Problems on Their Own…

We feel so strongly, so passionately about empowering children to know how it feels to use their voice and have it be received. That’s why we start this out at such a young age with our kids. If they’re having friction or something’s not going right, or if it’s even a playdate between our two families, Ashlee will always respond to the kids the same way when they come up and say so-and-so is doing whatever. It’s always, “Have you spoken to them about it yet?” or “Have you talked to them about it yet?” Sometimes the answer is yes, but a lot of times, it’s no.

So, then, parents can guide that conversation, like, “Hey, why don’t you ask them?” Maybe give them the words they just don’t have yet, like, “Why don’t you try ‘I was playing with that. Can I have it back, please? Maybe our moms can set a timer so that we can take turns.’?” But always let them be the ones to go deliver that message. Kids, especially at these ages, are so open to receiving messages like that, especially when it’s not done in an aggressive way. It’s amazing how quickly they can turn things around.

As parents, when it’s our kid who is feeling left out or neglected, all we want to do is fix it for them. Take away that hurt. Do I need to switch teachers? Do we need to call the mom and talk? What can I do to take away that pain? But take a step back and remember that your kid is capable, and they do have tools to use their voice. It doesn’t always have to be you scrambling to save the day. And sometimes, we can make it worse when we step in too much. Our emotions can make the situation so much bigger than it already is.

Situations where they work through something together can add to their confidence level of being capable of resolving conflict on their own, knowing that they do have the words or phrases that are now hopefully tucked away into their memory bank to help diffuse future problems. If they practice this skill at two, three or four, it’ll hopefully become second nature by the time the get to school. Because right now, it’s a toy that they want to play with or someone hurt their feelings on recess, which are such, in the grand scheme of things, small challenges to overcome and conflicts to overcome. But as they get older, those challenges are only going to get more emotional and weighted. A lot more friction is going to occur if they don’t have the tools in their toolbox to communicate in a healthy way with other people and have healthy relationships.

….Until They Can’t

That being said, if it gets to the point where they’re trying to use their words and they don’t feel like they can get where they want to be in that conversation, that’s when it’s time to bring an adult in. Obviously, if it’s our three and four-year-olds, that’s us coming in. If they’re at school, that’s their teachers or even school counselors helping out.

You’ll know when a conflict is serious. If your kid’s coming home every day crying or talking about the same person constantly or if there are changes in their behavior or mood, those are all signs that something bigger is going on. If it’s bullying or something like that that’s more severe, ask for help.

We’re both so grateful for school counselors, especially Ashlee who lost her dad back in December. When that happened, I felt unsure of how to help my kiddos when they were at school. I felt lost. And one of my kiddos especially was wanting to talk about it, but kids her age hadn’t experienced a loss like that yet. So I was able to reach out and use the school counselor as a phenomenal resource. They handled the situation so well. It helped my kid knowing that there was another adult in the school who was on their team and who knew the situation and was just there to help.

Teach Inclusion vs Exclusion

The last thing that we want to talk about—and really the whole theme of this—is to encourage more inclusion as opposed to exclusion in friendships. These are the little things that we can do to teach a much bigger principle.

We always start by asking our kids how they feel about situations. “How does it feel when you’re included? And how does it feel when you’re not included in things?” Many times, our kids are so focused on their own friends and personal lives that it’s easy to not consider others feelings in the moment. They don’t mean to be malicious, but it comes off to others as very hurtful. To go through this phase is all totally normal child development.

Then we tap into their empathy. Before they make a decision on how to act with a friend, we want them to ask themselves, “How would I feel if I was on the other side? If someone else was saying or doing what I’m saying or doing, how would I feel?”

That way, we’re teaching our kids to be the friends and the people that they want others to be for them. As they practice, they’ll more easily be able to recognize when they’re including people and when they’re not. The hope is that, then, with that awareness comes correction. If their actions could be seen as exclusionary, we hope they’ll eventually not do it.

Good luck to all parents out there who are getting similar phrases or having any experiences like this at your home with your kiddos right now. We encourage the conversations, using their words, helping them be capable, and know that we’re right there with you trying to help build a community of inclusiveness. You don’t need to do motherhood alone. Come join our village exactly as you are.

Ashlee Hendricks

Ashlee Hendricks

Real Life Conversations Host

I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.

As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so we’ve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that you’ll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!

Rachel Robinson

Rachel Robinson

Real Life Conversations Host

I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.

My husband, John, is a men’s gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.

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What We Have Learned in Our 30s

What We Have Learned in Our 30s

by | Aug 27, 2024 | Real Life Conversations

Hi, we’re Rachel and Ashlee. Welcome to episode seven of CapitalMOM Real Life Conversations. Thanks so much for joining us today. We’re really, really grateful you’re here. Hope you enjoy.

Ashlee’s August Dimmer

I’m going to start how we usually do with a dimmer. What I’m about to tell you is not endorsed by CapitalMOM.

We have a pool in our backyard. It’s an above-ground pool that’s about three feet deep. And we have a deck over it that we’ve always been tempted or joked about jumping off into the pool. But we’ve never done it. Until the other day. We decided to try it.

I did not think it through all the way. I did it, and I survived, but my heel is not doing great. I landed on it the wrong way and probably am going to be limping for the next few weeks while it heals. It’s not broken, but that’s a dimmer for me.

Rachel’s Vacation Dimmer

When Ashlee told me this story, it reminded me of when we went to North Carolina this summer. I jumped in the pool—I’m not always the “go underwater” type mom, especially if I have clean hair. I took my first jump in, and I stubbed my toe on the bottom of the pool.

I came up and my toe was purple and black. I thought I broke my toe. So those pools, they’ll get you.

Rachel’s Summer Glimmers

This time, I’m just going to give you little glimmers from the summer because I couldn’t think of one big one. So here are a couple little ones.

First, my four-year-old taught himself how to snap. I was so proud of him because he’s the second-born and his older sibling can do all these things that he can’t do yet, and he’s just trying to catch up. So, I was just so proud of him that he was sitting in bed one night and the snapping got louder and louder and we’re cheering him on.

Second, my daughter lost her front tooth that has been loose for five months. She’s been a little snaggle tooth forever. My little hillbilly.

Another glimmer is my now two-year-old had her birthday. When we were singing her happy birthday, she jumped up and down with joy the entire time we sang to her. It was kind of the dream reaction—how you hope your kids would respond to you singing “Happy Birthday,” but it doesn’t usually happen. But this, it was just magic. We had the best time celebrating her with a party.

My last little glimmer was at a wedding. We had just celebrated Finley’s birthday. Two days later, we’re walking into the huge, beautiful wedding venue, and Finley looks at me and goes, “My party?” I was like, yeah. You’re right. We really pulled all the stops for you.

Everything We’ve Learned in the Last Decade

What we decided to do this time is take it back just a little. We were thinking about what we’ve learned since becoming moms. We both became moms in our 20s and now we’re in our 30s. So here’s what we would tell our younger selves about motherhood, womanhood, and growing up.

Don’t Play the Comparison Game

One of the things that first came to mind for me was that when I first became a mom, I remember feeling so overwhelmed and trying to do it all. I thought, “My mom sews, and she cooks, and she cans and she gardens. She has a dairy farm, and she substitute teaches, and our family is doing all sorts of volunteering in our church.”

And I remember becoming a mom and saying, “Oh, my gosh, I’m not doing any of those things.” I remember feeling so overwhelmed. But I paused and realized that when I was a child and actually noticing what my mom was doing, she was already a seasoned mom with twenty or twenty-five years of practice. She’d been doing it for that long by the time I came along and noticed. Plus, I was the last of her children, which I think is a different phase of life.

With that, I realized that I cannot compare my two months’ experience—or even five years’ experience—to my seasoned mom or other seasoned moms and what they’re able to do in their situations at that time. They had to learn, just like I’m learning. And there’s a really good chance she wasn’t doing it all. She just kept trying to show up and be there.

And even if you look at other moms who are in the same stage of life as you, sometimes I think we wonder, “How are they doing it?” But maybe what you see on social media is just the highlights of their life. Maybe they’re really having a hard time and you don’t know it. We just don’t see the struggle in their day-to-day. We don’t see the skill until it’s gained. It’s not always that we video the fail, fail, fail, fail until you get it. A lot of times it’s just, “We got it!” And that’s all you see of the process.

With this, you need to ask yourself “What are all the amazing things I am doing?” Don’t focus on what you’re not doing. For Ashlee as a mother for nearly ten years, she’s working one day a week. She’s pouring her heart and soul into three amazing kids. She has a garden. She has incredible friendships. She taught her children how to sew and play the piano.

If you compare, it’s so easy to not see what you’re actually doing. It’s easy to miss out on the joy and gratitude for what you are accomplishing by just living with your kids and your family and showing up for them. It’s so hard to look at the big picture. You see the little day-to-day, but big-picture, we’re doing amazing. If you can’t see that now, that’s okay. You need time to be able to get big-picture like that.

Process Before Delighting

The next one, I’m going to have to explain for it to make sense, but it’s processing through an emotion before delighting. Here’s what I mean by that. I saw a mom recently post a hard moment on Instagram. This mom wanted to go on a walk by herself. But her three-year-old threw a big fit, saying, “I want to come, Mommy!” She firmly said no, that it was her me time. But that didn’t work and she finally loaded her child into their stroller to go on the walk with her. During the walk, she said she processed for probably twenty minutes, working through the disappointment that the situation didn’t work out the way she wanted it to go.

But then, she processed it and began to focus on the walk with her daughter. She started to notice the little details—her daughter’s hands, dimples and sweet voice. Finally, she was able to delight in her daughter’s presence. She said that in order to get to those delightful moments—or those glimmers, as we call them—sometimes we have to trudge through some muck to get there.

You can honor feelings of anger or disappointment when something doesn’t go to plan because then there is delight on the other side. For example, if your kid doesn’t nap, you’re in that stage where you’re begging them to go to sleep and thinking, “OK, I’m going to carry you downstairs, and I just really don’t want you to be downstairs right now. This is my me time.” There’s probably a bunch of shouting. But then you get through it and they’ll snuggle up next to you and say such cute things. You’ll think, “You know what? You’re so sweet, and I’m so glad you’re here.”

Have a Tribe

This one kind of goes along with our processing tip. Try to keep a girl tribe or friend tribe or whatever that is for you so that when you do need to process, you can call someone who is emotionally available and removed from the situation enough to vent to real quick. These are the people who you don’t necessarily need to sit in the same emotion with you. It’s just someone who will listen while you express how you’re feeling.

For a little while, I relied on my husband. And that’s okay in the beginning and totally normal as you figure out your own family. But actually continuing to have friends outside of just our families is incredibly helpful for our own mental and emotional health, and just being able to step outside of this environment for a little bit, feel a little light-hearted and get other people’s takes and perspectives, is so important.

It helps to truly step out of the responsibilities of home and family and then come back—even if that’s once a month. It doesn’t have to be often.

Plus, I’ve learned that my husband doesn’t want to hear all the little things. At the risk of sounding stereotypical, girls do tend to be more chatty in my experience in life. We just love all the little details, and my husband is more of a problem-solver? Sometimes he comes home from work and he’s in problem-solve mode when I’m not asking you to save the situation or anything like that, because that’s just going to make me feel worse, actually.

For example, I had taken my daughter to violin camp. And when I showed up, they told her, “Here’s your viola stuff.” I froze, thinking, “Viola?” Because she wanted to do violin, even though initially she was maybe going to do viola. So I panicked. Was there a chance that I signed her up for viola on accident?

My daughter looked up at me like, “What did you do to me?” And I just had to keep cool like it was all going to work out. Fortunately, the person checking her in said they’d get it sorted out, but I could see the doubt in my daughter’s eyes, like, “Is there even going to be a place for me?” So I walked out of there feeling terrible.

So I called Darcy, one of my friends. Her daughter was in the same camp. I said, “I just need to get this off my chest real quick.” In that moment, I just need to talk to a friend, not my husband. I needed another mom that understands what it’s like to plan and do the activity, and then have it not go as planned and feel like you failed.

She assured me that my daughter was going to have a great time, and I instantly felt so much better after I got that off my chest and shared it with her and someone else knew.

Not Everyone Will Like You

You don’t have to convince the world to like you. You’re not everyone’s cup of tea. But the people who do delight in your presence are your people, and you should cling to those people that really get you and you get them. It’s most important to show up authentically as you and not spend so much energy trying to convince others that you are wonderful. The right friends will just love you already, you know?

Rather than spending all that energy in the wrong people, invest your time in the ones that really matter to you. This helps you not feel like you’re spread out so thin, too. It’s great to have many friends, but core friends are our focus as we get older and have kids. We’re busy pouring so much into our kids that we don’t have as much bandwidth to have twenty friends like we did in our twenties.

People Don’t Care As Much As You Think

Often, we’re worried about what other people are thinking. In Schitt’s Creek, Alexis says, “Nobody cares, David. Nobody cares.”

We all have so much going on in our lives that a lot of times, we are so hyper-focused on ourselves, like, “Oh, I didn’t put my makeup on before I came to Target today, and I ran into that person. I’m so embarrassed.” But many times, they don’t care. They are so busy living their own life. They probably have something going on that they can’t focus on you. They’re thinking about them.

Just realize that as you get older people don’t care that much about all these little things that you might be stewing about. Care less as you get older about the things that don’t really matter.

Everybody’s worried about their own stuff, so you can release it. Nobody cares. Just go live your life.

Show Up Authentically

Maybe one of the best things that we can offer our kids is just to be our authentic selves, not who we want to be in ten years, not who we were ten years ago, but just who we are right now and what we enjoy right now.

Sometimes, I catch myself being worried about not doing something like I used to or not knowing what I used to. But my kids don’t even know that version of me. They just know who I am right now.

So, I tell them, “I don’t know that right now, but let’s go figure it out together” if they ask me a question that I should have remembered from college. I think that response is even more helpful than if I had all the answers for them.

This also means authentically sharing your passions. I share the piano and sewing with my kids, and my husband shares gymnastics with them. They see our love for those hobbies, and even if they don’t fall in love with those things, it gives them an example of what it looks like to be passionate about something. They feel that energy. They get excited for us. And they’re so responsive. They’ll remember what you enjoy. They’ll know you love flowers, so they’ll pick you flowers all the time.

And they don’t have to like the same things as us. Our passions are just showing them that because you love something, you can do it at any age. The lesson we want them to take away is to chase your passions and continue doing things that make you feel alive—no matter how old you are.

It’s also important to us that they learn how to take joy in other people’s passions, as well as their own passions. I used to worry that if I shared too much of my interests, maybe I’d just create a mini me. I don’t want them to be a mini me. I want them to be their own person. But then I understood that they’re going to choose the things that interest them, and it’s okay to have some interests in common, too.

Let Kids Be Kids

It’s our kid’s turn to be kids. We had our turn to be kids. We did all the things, and now we’re grown-ups. So, it’s their turn to have experiences. So if they find their own passions, it’s our job to help them dive into them more.

Every time we go on family bike rides, we race down the street at the end. My husband and are are pedaling so fast, acting like we’re really racing, but we always let them win because it’s their turn. I don’t need to win. I won plenty of times as a kid. Now it’s their turn.

Letting them win isn’t a bad thing in our family. It makes the memory more fun and sweet as parents. I get to watch my children be so excited that they won the bike ride.

Yes, life is going to happen and they’re going to have times when they lose and where it doesn’t work out. That’s all going to come. But building up confidence and a joy of play before that hits is so helpful. Because if you enjoy it still, you’re probably going to keep fighting for it even when you start losing.

Be Selfish for Your Family

It’s okay to make changes that work best for your family. Separating yourself from your siblings and parents is a transition. Starting your own family is scary. There are a lot of unknowns and a lot of pressure that we maybe put on ourselves about what a family needs to look like or what I need to be able to do with my family or how I picture life with my family is going to be. But then, when you have your family, things might happen that changes that picture.

Recently, I’ve gone through a transition in my faith. That decision alone has created a lot of differences in what I thought my family would look like, but as I’ve been moving through it, I’ve realized that my family is still so beautiful, even if it’s different.

As long as you’re in touch with your partner, it’s okay to adapt and change and continue to communicate what’s important to you and your immediate family. It’s okay to have your family situation look different than the way you were raised or the way you once imagined it would be.

No matter what anyone thinks, you’re so brave and strong to do what’s best for your family and to be in tune with what they need.

Honor Each Version of Yourself

Some people hold on too tightly to past versions of us—how they once knew us. Like, when Ashlee was 18 or 20, this was who she was. Now, she’s changed so much, and I’m not sure that I connect to this new person. That’s okay. They don’t have to. They don’t have to get the new you or like the new you.

You’re supposed to grow and change. That’s the beauty of life—we’re not stagnant. We’re not stuck being the same person that we were. Other people are probably going through their own new versions, too.

You should honor each version of yourself and not look back and say that one version was gross or cringey. That was the best you could do at that point in time. You were showing up every single day, so acknowledge how awesome that is—all while getting you to where you are now. Sometimes, you have to start in the trenches and work your way up.

When you have kids, you can better understand them since you’ve been through that transformation yourself. Maybe they’re going through a hard phase. We can say, “I went through a hard phase, too.” And we can all be there for each other in it, too. Or I can offer you all the space you need. I don’t care about where you are in your phase, aside from wanting to be there for you. We’re going to love our kids and our friends through it.

So, our last piece of advice is to everyone who is doubting their abilities as parents and adults today. Those who are thinking, “Ugh, this is so hard. I don’t know if I’ll make it through.” You will. Where you are now is going to help you get to where you want to be. Just keep trying and pushing. We love you.

Ashlee Hendricks

Ashlee Hendricks

Real Life Conversations Host

I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.

As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so we’ve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that you’ll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!

Rachel Robinson

Rachel Robinson

Real Life Conversations Host

I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.

My husband, John, is a men’s gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.

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Summer Reflections & Prepping for Back to School

Summer Reflections & Prepping for Back to School

by | Jul 22, 2024 | Real Life Conversations

This week, we’re going to roll into a tribute to summer and talk about getting into the swing of back to school.

Our Summer Glimmers & Dimmers

But first, let’s go ahead and start with our glimmer and our dimmer.

Rachel’s July Glimmer

My glimmer this month is my daughter Finley. She’s learning to talk and she turns two in a week. We had just got done with the 4th of July. My kids do gymnastics because my husband coaches gymnastics, so we’re at the gym a lot. My daughter Finley doesn’t take class but was wearing an American flag leotard, because any time her older sister wears a leotard, she wants to put on a leotard.

So she walked into the gym, and this other mom was sitting there and said, “Look at you. You’re so patriotic.” And she looks at the mom and says, “I’m not patriotic. I’m Finley.” It was just so cute because kids take everything so literally. It was just a little glimmer and I’ll never forget what she said. Her speaking is just so cute right now, and I cannot get enough of it.

Ashlee’s July Glimmer

We both had glimmers this time around. We do a little 3rd of July thing with some friends. For the past couple of years, I feel like there’s been something that’s not gone quite right. Like, one time a firework tipped over. We resolved that and now have bricks around everything. And then we had one where we had this blowup. And then oddly enough, someone broke their arm. And we were like, oh my gosh, how does this keep happening? This year’s has come and gone, and no injuries or blowing up of anything. That is a win. Woohoo! My curse has been broken.

Then my half is that we’ve had a lot of family rolling into our home, which has been amazing. But also I’m feeling that struggle of keeping up on my household stuff. And I talked to Rachel the day before, and she was like, “How about Finley and I come over and help you clean tomorrow morning?” I was just like, “That sounds really great.” I was not feeling motivated to clean. I was not feeling motivated to do much of that. So then she shows up with a coffee, and we clean and chat. It was really good. And my windows – guys, you have probably seen gross windows, but nothing like these windows of mine and nothing like the table and underneath the table. Oh my gosh. She cleaned that and I will forever love her for it. I have been admiring the view from my windows the past two days, realizing just how good they look. That’s a glimmer of good friends and a sweet offer that made my whole day.

A Tribute to Summer Memories

When this airs, it’s going to be back-to-school time. Summer’s ending, and in the middle of summer, sometimes we’re in the moment of the emotions. We’re home altogether, which we talked about in one of our last episodes. But we both realize that sometimes at the end of the day, if you pause and you look back over your pictures of the day, I’m like, oh my gosh, everybody’s tired. Everybody’s exhausted. And so the kids are probably saying things like, “You never snuggle me” or “You never spend time with me” or things like that, where you’re like, we just spent all day together.

But it does get in your head where you think, maybe we didn’t. And then you pull out your phone or your computer, and you look back, and you’re like, it was a really good day. All these smiles and bright faces. And yes, there are hard moments, but the overall picture was wonderful.

Being Able to Capture Moments

I’m feeling really grateful for the ease of being able to take pictures and have those memories and how beautiful that is. And Rachel does a really good job of saving those and creating them into reels and things that our kids can look back on and feel so much joy from. So anyway, she’s going to give me a tutorial one day on how to do that. We actually talked about that, like maybe we need to have a little retreat. We will get a hotel and I’m going to teach you how to preserve memories in a fun way.

I saw something somewhere that said when we grew up, we might have like 20 pictures from 1992. And now we have like 80 pictures from this morning. So we’re so lucky to have such like such a detailed view of their childhood. We are the keepers of that and keeping it organized and accessible.

Ashlee’s Favorite Summer Experiences

I was going to share briefly some of the things that I’ve loved about our summer so far. One of them is that we ended up on a great little trip down to my mom’s, which was phenomenal.

It was so good to see her. We picked blueberries at my cousin’s house on their farm. Then we went to another friend’s farm where they had lambs and we got to hold them. Then we got to watch a mother birth two twin lambs. And it was magic. And then the fireflies came up afterward. You can’t even make this stuff up. It was just so amazing. It was beautiful and peaceful out there on their farm. I don’t know if all that just inspired us, but on our way home, we picked up some baby chicks a couple of hours from our house.

My kids held our baby chicks all the way home. We have a friend who is willing to take them when we can no longer care for them, but they spark so much joy. Levi tends to be naked in our backyard because that’s his happy place. Nake Levi chasing the chicks, I didn’t even know how much I needed that in my life.

There’s also been lots of fun time in the pool and other things. But, I feel like those are just a couple of our highlights that just keep on giving and have slowed us down even too—especially the chicks—just slowed us down to just appreciate these moments.

Rachel’s Favorite Summer Experiences

We just got back from a trip to the beach in North Carolina. We were visiting John’s parents, who bought a beach house there about a year and a half ago. And this is our first time going out there, and it was so great.

I think my favorite memory from the trip is my son, Brecken. Throughout the trip, probably at least five times in the car, we would be leaving the beach and driving back to the house. And he would be like, “Mommy, why didn’t you choose to live here? Why did you choose to live in Nebraska?” And I’m like, “That’s a great question, buddy.” I could see his little wheels turning. Like, they have the ocean and they have a pool. And the only thing he said was, “But we do have a zoo splash pad.”

My girls do the same thing to us when we get back. We used to live in South Carolina. When we go visit, they’re like, what are we doing? You have to follow where you have to go sometimes.

How to Get Ready for Back to School

It has been a really good summer, but like it or not, school is coming back. I think for some moms, that is a huge relief. And for others, it’s a tinge of sadness because summer goes so fast. And it kind of depends sometimes on phases too, I think. It’s been a better summer with all of my kiddos. We’ve enjoyed that time altogether more.

Rachel’s Bedtime & Morning Routines

We make sure we get our kids to bed at a reasonable hour. And again, we know that that’s hard when the sun is up, but get those curtains closed and the routine going.

As far as morning—this is for different seasons of life. I was sleeping until my newborn woke up and probably until she was about one. But then you come back to life again a little bit. And at that point, I felt like I could set an alarm, and get up and get the day going. That helps tremendously just to come downstairs and do a few essentials before the kids come downstairs. For me, that’s unloading the dishwasher, putting things away, throwing in a load of laundry, filling water bottles, and making breakfast.

If all of those things are done before the kids come down, I’m not a stressed-out mom trying to do all of these things while also having a little bit of time with my kids before they leave.

Ashlee’s Bedtime & Morning Routines

I feel like I used to be a morning mom and then I dealt with a little bit of postpartum depression stuff. I had a lot of hard stuff with my dad this last year and I went to my primary care and got help, something to kind of just boost me through this time when I’m still very needed at home, but also kind of wanting to grieve.

I have to try to gauge what I am able to do in the morning. I have been trying to utilize that time to rest a little bit more, but I’m hoping to adjust back to this because I have had the best success with that as well, starting on my own terms. Because when Levi wakes up, he’s kind of grump at first. I don’t know if it’s low blood sugar, and if that’s what I wake up to, that is really hard. Then there’s two of us that are grumpy, and I’m not helping him work through his. I’m not able to stay calm.

Avoid Rushing

It helps to not rush too. If you don’t feel rushed with the kids, then they don’t go out the door rushed. I never feel great when I’m scrambling, and then my kids can sense that too. And so like, trying to avoid that rush means giving yourself enough time, whatever that is, to get up, even if it means waking your kids up when you’re like, oh, they’re still sleeping.

Pack Lunches the Night Before

One of our other favorite things is packing lunches the night before. If I’m trying to do lunches and feed them breakfast in the morning, I realize that I’m grumpy, and it’s too much. And your kids can even help the night before too. I’ve noticed since mine are a little older that they can tell me what they want in their lunch. They love that.

I do feel like halfway through the year, my kids forget that home lunch is actually an option because we lose our steam. The beginning of the year, we’re like super moms packing amazing, healthy lunches. Then by the end, they are like “Mom, I need more lunch money on my card.” And I’m like, “Ok, yeah, you do.” The winter blues set in and hot lunch it is.

Set Expectations for Activities

With back to school comes back to activities. Yes, there are summer camps, but the regular weekly activities begin again, typically. It’s important to have conversations with each of our kids about what is important to them, and what their goals are.

How many nights a week do they want to be busy? How many nights a week do we want them gone? How many nights a week do we want them home? And I think it’s important to preserve childhood as well, because if we have activities every single night, when do they get to play? When do they get to be a kid?

They’re sitting at desks most of the day at school, and they need that time. Also knowing that there are only so many parents to go around to do drop-offs and pickups. We don’t want to just become a taxi service. We want to be parents. I think having that open conversation with your kids and spouses is important. It takes a village to do it all and make sure it’s something that everybody can manage.

Find Time to Connect as a Family

Finding time to connect is going to be different than it is through the summer months. There might be a day when we have school, and then we have to rush to gymnastics or whatever the sporting event is. And your time with your kids is that car time. And you know that going into it. I get these 20 minutes and recognize that that’s the situation and being ready. This is my time. I cannot wait to connect with my kids on this car ride. I’m going to focus on this moment because that’s so important to find moments of connection throughout the day. When you don’t have a lot of time, you have to value what you have and make it impactful. Even if it’s a small amount of time, if it’s purposeful, it has the same effect. Our kids feel seen and loved. We need moments like that each day to fill us.

Ask Specific Questions

When we do pick up our kids from school and we ask them about their day, I feel like we can easily ask the generic question, “How was your day?” But then you’re kind of stuck. Try to find questions that kids can answer, because when you ask about a kid’s whole day, a lot of times the last thing they did is what’s on their mind. What happened in the morning is long gone.

If you ask specific questions like, “Who did you sit with at lunch today?” or “What’s something that your teacher said that made you laugh?” Specific questions that have an answer that isn’t just good, are very helpful in connecting and getting deeper. That’s another way to learn more about what’s going on in your kids’ lives because they’re gone for so long. We don’t always know what’s going on.

Make Nighttime Purposeful

At bedtime, try to make it purposeful and connect as much as possible. That’s the last thing they’re feeling before they go to bed and are ready to start the next day. I think creating that safe space in our home for them that if something’s happening at school, they feel like there’s a moment in the day to talk to us and that we want to hear. That’s invaluable to create that for them and ultimately what we want.

That time is usually when it’s quiet and calm. When there’s chaos in your home, it’s not going to be a time when they’re like, “Mom, I really need to tell you something.” But if they know that there’s going to be a moment where I’ll have Mom’s full attention for five minutes, whatever, then we can talk during that time.

Tips for Starting Kindergarten

If you have someone who’s starting kindergarten, please know that you’ll get through it. We’ve been there, and you feel all the feels. But you’ll get through it and it’s going to be great. It’s such a growing year, and that makes our mama hearts happy to know that they’re somewhere where they have great friends and great teachers. And I feel like LPS is a wonderful school district.

Thanks for tuning in. We appreciate you and hope that you found some valuable stuff from this, too. You don’t need to do motherhood alone. Come join our village. Exactly as you are.

Ashlee Hendricks

Ashlee Hendricks

I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.

As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so we’ve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that you’ll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!

Rachel Robinson

Rachel Robinson

I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.
My husband, John, is a men’s gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.

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Fostering Sibling Relationships

Fostering Sibling Relationships

by | Jun 24, 2024 | Real Life Conversations

This month, we’re going to talk about fostering sibling relationships as we move into the summer months.

Ashlee & Rachel’s Joint Dimmer

So we’re going to start with our dimmer first. A joint dimmer. It probably seems like we talk about this a lot, but this was too good not to talk about.

Our families met up for a little dinner playdate, and the kids were all playing so nicely together. But there was a point where I thought, “Things are a little too quiet.” So I went downstairs looking for the kids. I heard their voices in the distance. I went into the guest bedroom downstairs and looked through the window. In the window well, they’d created a little home for themselves and they had a bag of Cheetos and our boys’ shirts were off. They were truly living their best lives.

I captured that cute moment on my phone of the kids playing together outside and was showing Ashlee, talking about how well they were doing on their own. It made us remember how excited we were when we both had Levi and Brecken because we knew that they were going to be best friends. Sure, it took a long time for Levi to warm up, but we’ve finally hit that point. It only took three years, but they are like brothers now.

Not five minutes later, the dads come running around the corner, holding naked children and saying, “Poop! There’s poop! We need some help! We’re calling in backup!” Rachel’s two-year-old daughter had smeared it all over her body, and when John first grabbed her, he said, “I don’t know if it’s poop or mud.” But there was no question in our minds what it was.

But we’d just checked on them! And they were fine then! But somehow, only a few minutes later, they’d stripped down naked and all taken turns. Needless to say, we all got to know Rachel’s bathtub really well that night.

How to Build Sibling Relationships in the Summer

So as you know, if you’ve been following us, we each have three kids. Ashlee has two kids in school, and Rachel has one kid in school.

This time of year, we’re getting the family back together for the summer and things shift. It’s not the same. It’s not the same amount of structure, not the same amount of activities and a lot more home time together. Sometimes, that feels exciting, and other times it feels a little overwhelming. We find ourselves thinking, “How are we going to navigate this? What is this going to look like?” So we put together a list of some things that we think help foster sibling relationships.

Give Everyone Grace

Realize that it might take time to get back in the swing of things because we’ve had so much schedule and structure around waking up, eating breakfast and getting out the door. But that is going away. Our kids are going to have a lot more free time and a lot more time to be bored.

So just give them and yourselves grace through that transition. At first, there might be more arguing, more complaining and more boredom. Remind your kids that there’s a whole world out there, and they have the opportunity to think creatively and fill that time however they want. It’s not your job as a mom to entertain them always.

Allow Alone Time

Our oldest children are very similar. They need time to step away from others, take a break and recharge solo. We let them read, draw, or just spend quiet time with themselves. Our middle children, on the other hand, really struggle with being alone. They want us to entertain them when our other children are napping, at school or need that alone time.

Sometimes, our middle children don’t understand that their siblings don’t want to play 24/7. So, as parents, just recognize that every kid is different, and if somebody needs a break, we don’t have to suddenly go home, but still give them space to step away for a bit. Also be so happy for your extroverted kids that one day they’re going to have their people, and they’re going to get their cups filled every single day by being around others.

Set the Tone

Rachel was an only child growing up, and she didn’t have any idea what she was missing. People always ask, “Weren’t you so bored?” I wasn’t. I had a great childhood. But watching my kids, I now realize what a gift it is that they have each other—these built-in best friends.

And if you foster this relationship, it really can be special. They don’t have to be fighting all the time. I do believe that, as parents, we set the tone for our home and the way that the kids treat each other. If we’re treating our kids with respect and love, they can be really good friends.

Now, that doesn’t mean that there won’t be moments. There will always be moments, every single day. That’s just life.

Let Them Be

In moments like that, the other part is to teach them to work through things on their own. If the kids are playing and they’re disagreeing, try not to interject yourself as a parent when you don’t need to.

When they’re playing nicely, it’s easy to let them be. But it’s when they start to squabble a little bit that makes me want to jump in right away. But I’ve seen my kids work through it without my help. In any relationship, I think, when you have a fight and you work through it, that builds trust and that strengthens your relationship because it helps you realize that you can have a disagreement and still love each other. You’ll still come back together eventually. By not stepping in too soon, you’re allowing your kids to build their communication skills together.

Jump In With Curiosity

But what if you do need to step in to break up an argument between your kids? Make sure not to pick sides. Jump in with curiosity, like “Hey, can you tell me more about what happened?” or “I want to hear what happened from each of you.” Oftentimes, just them stating their perspective is all that needs said. Then, you can validate the way they felt with phrases like “I could see why you felt that way.” And finally ask, “How can we work on it together?”

Create Friendly Competitions

Instead of doing kid versus kid, because that pits them against each other, find ways to put them on the same team. We like to do kids versus parents. We’ll make up races for bedtime routines, like who can get their jammies on first or brush their teeth fastest. Our favorite is the bad breath monster, where one of us pretends to be a monster that loves the smell of stinky breath. All of our kids will rush to brush their teeth so the monster doesn’t get them. They’ll close us out of the bathroom and laugh together. Anything fun motivates our families.

That way, they’re on a team and working together toward a common goal. We want them to be rooting each other on, as opposed to fighting with each other.

It’s just a great whole family bonding experience, which is exactly what summer is for. You have more time together, so enjoy it in a low-pressure way. You don’t have to get up so early in the morning, which means you have more time to make routines fun, instead of feeling like you have to get your kids to bed because everyone has to be up at a certain time.

Plan Family Meetings

We don’t always do this, but it’s something we both would love to start—meeting once a week and talking about what the week is going to look like.

  • What’s on our schedule?
  • Who has what camp?
  • What time do kids need picked up?
  • What are we going to have for dinner?
  • Are we having people over?
  • Who’s sport is happening this week?
  • How are we going to support our family in their activities?

Be Supportive at Sporting Events

Sometimes sports are long, especially with a three-year-old who is ready to go five minutes in. But for your older kids, I think it’s important to cheer on their siblings. I always ask my kids, “How could we make your brother or sister feel like a million bucks?” Emphasize that they’ll get their turn someday too by saying something like, “When it’s your time to do your sport, your brother or sister will be right there rooting for you!”

Ashlee’s oldest had a big team commitment this year, which made it feel like a whole family commitment. Anna, her middle child, wasn’t involved in much, which really fit her personality. She’s very curious and can make anything out of nothing, really. Even though she wasn’t involved in many activities, she was still so supportive of her older sister. It was really amazing to see. She set the tone for her siblings cheering on our family. And it’s such a special gift to not be envious or disinterested of someone’s passion. She truly was so happy for her sister doing something big. I’m beyond grateful for her and for how she handled that this year. I’m so proud of her. It’s a big deal.

Eat Family Meals

Anytime that you can be together as a family unit, make it happen. An easy way to do that is eating more meals together now that some of your commitments have slowed down. We just had a family meal the other day that lasted like 40 minutes. John and I were laughing so hard during the chaos. We were calming down potty words every five seconds, breaking into song while eating, standing on chairs and having so much happy chatter.

What was said at dinner doesn’t matter much. It’s the significant feeling of cheerfulness, happiness and contentedness that will stick with my kids. It was one of those moments where I looked at my family and thoughts, “Wow, this is our life. How amazing is this?”

Dinnertime is my chance to be with my kids, sitting down and looking at each other, to notice how wonderful life really is with them.

Set Aside 1on1 Time

I don’t know how I’m going to do this quite yet, but I’d like to try to do a little bit of independent, one-on-one time with each kid each day. Even if it’s ten minutes of playing their favorite game with them and having my other two kids play with each other during that time, knowing that they’re going to get their time with me.

It’s hard when everybody’s all together to still get any individual time. And if one sibling gravitate to one sibling, it would encourage them to play with the other sibling they don’t usually gravitate towards for a little while.

Rachel signed her son, Brecken, up for preschool two days a week through the summer, but really debated if she should do it. Because it wasn’t really needed. I’m home. But then I started to think my oldest daughter, Ellie, who hasn’t had any one-on-one time with me since before Brecken was born. That’s why we decided that it would be a good thing to have afternoons for one-on-one time with Ellie while Finley naps and Brecken is at school. Other than bedtime when I read to her, she hasn’t had my full attention in so long.

Now, she’ll get intentional time with me. I know that’s not everybody’s situation, where you have that option. If that’s the case of you, finding pockets of time (only five or ten minutes or so) to give your child your undivided attention is key.

Our girls actually called us out for that the other day. Fridays are family movie nights in our house. John and I had gotten to the point where we didn’t even realize it, but they were watching the same shows over or shows that we became disinterested and gradually started having just the kids watch the show. But not too long ago, they said, “Hey, this is supposed to be a family movie night. You and dad need to be there.” That showed us how important it was to them, which I didn’t realize. So John and I got down at their level and said, “You know what? You’re right. We will make sure that it is a priority and that we are there with you.” With that promise, we did make sure that we’re going to keep variety in the shows too. We’re not going to just watch cartoons. We’re going to sometimes watch educational or inspirational shows, like Planet Earth.

Build Up in Public

The last thing I wanted to say is that we have little ears always listening to us, especially at these younger ages when I think parents are a kid’s biggest role model and impact on their lives most. When you get into those teenage years, maybe the peers have more influence than parents.But at this stage with the ages of our kids, we have a huge influence on their thoughts and their feelings on the people around them, the things around them and how they process the world.

So, if we’re saying negative things about their siblings in front of them, they are hearing that and they are internalizing that. Even if they don’t realize it, it is impacting the way that they may treat their brother or sister. So just really try your hardest, even if you’re so frustrated with one of your kids, to not say that in front of another child. Save it for after they’re in bed. Take a moment away from the kids to vent to your husband or let it out in another way. But build up your kids, as opposed to tearing them down.

An example is my youngest daughter, Finley, loves to sing. Every time she sings, I say, “Finley, you are such a good singer.” One day, my daughter Ellie was singing, and Finley looked at her and she goes, “Ellie, you’re a good singer.” I can tell that she hears me, and she knew that was a nice thing to say to her sister. She wanted to build her sister up.

There are always two ways of saying something. Find a positive spin on a negative situation. I’ve noticed that with my son, Levi. When he’s crying, I try to remember that he’s three and doesn’t know how to work through emotions yet. He won’t always feel these emotions this big. For now, we need to be his safe place and normalize to our other kids that you have hard times when you’re little, instead of telling him, “Stop crying” or “What is wrong with you?” or “Why won’t you stop?” Because my kids are going to hear that and think, “Yeah, what is wrong with Levi?” Nothing. He’s normal. He’s three. He’s having a hard time.

To keeping things positive between siblings, parents have to model it themselves. Anyway, we just wish you all luck as you move into your summers. We know you’re doing a great job. Have fun!

Ashlee Hendricks

Ashlee Hendricks

Real Life Conversations Host

I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.

As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so we’ve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that you’ll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!

Rachel Robinson

Rachel Robinson

Real Life Conversations Host

I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.

My husband, John, is a men’s gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.

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Building Better Bedtime Routines

Building Better Bedtime Routines

by | May 28, 2024 | Real Life Conversations

Hi, I’m Ashley. And I’m Rachel. Welcome to our series, CapitalMOM Real Life Conversations. This week, we’re going to be talking about bedtime routines—how they’re different for every family, but ultimately how we use this time to connect with our children in different ways. We’ll talk about different age ranges because we have ages from one to nine.

Glimmers & Dimmers in May

So, first is our glimmer and our dimmer. Today, we both have glimmers.

Ashlee’s Recent Glimmer

Mine’s super short and sweet. My three-year-old has had a really hard time staying in his bed—not a crib anymore—and sleeping through the night. I had a really long stretch of not good sleep. It was very interrupted, and I was always taking him back to his bed. I was having to take him back so many times a night that I eventually just gave up and let him sleep in my bed for a little while.

To fix this, my amazing husband has been sleeping on a pad in our hallway for the last three days to catch our son before he comes out of his room. That way, I can get some sleep. Both of us have been happier together because of it. So, thank you, John, and a huge thanks to all the parents that support their partners’ sleep. It makes a big difference.

Rachel’s Recent Glimmer

Mine is going to be short and sweet this week, too. My little one-year-old, who’s almost two in July, has just had an explosion of language recently. It’s the cutest thing ever. I love the one to two-and-a-half-year-old stage where they’re learning so much.

My daughter is very into Elsa in Frozen right now. We started with Moana, but our whole family got sick of it, so we transitioned. So now, she has three Elsa dresses, and she sings all the songs with big arm motions.

The new thing that she does is she’ll come up to us and say, “Question?” I’ll say, “Yes? What’s your question?” She’ll reply, “Snowman?” Like, “Do you want to build a snowman?” from Frozen. And then she starts singing, but she doesn’t know all the words, so she just kind of gets the last word of every line—play, anymore, door. And then she’ll go, “Yay!” and everyone will clap for her. I could just bottle that moment up forever and ever.

Sometimes if I need a little smile, I’ll ask Finley, “Do you have a question?” just to hear it again.

A Variety of Kids’ Bedtime Routines

First, we just want to acknowledge that bedtime routines can vary. All of them can look differently, and all of them can still work beautifully for your family. It just depends on what it is that you want.

But what we try to focus on ourselves is at least just having it be purposeful in how it looks and then trying to make it connecting with each of our kids individually.

Ashlee’s Family Bedtime Routine

I have three kiddos aged three, seven, and nine. So obviously, bedtime looks a little different with each of them. We’re constantly adjusting our routines to try to match the needs of our kiddos and us as parents. But disclaimer: both Rachel and my routines are long.

Basically, starting at a particular time is the best thing that helps for us. Getting started with bedtime is where we get tripped up the most. Wintertime is a little easier for bedtime because it gets darker earlier. But the sun comes out in the summertime, so I never want to go to bed, and the kids don’t want to go to bed. We all end up suffering afterwards, though. Without putting my kids to bed on time, I don’t get a moment to myself. I can’t clean or tidy the house. My husband and I don’t get any time together. So this summer, we’re working to get better with this.

After starting at the same time, we do the normal things like, getting PJs on and brushing teeth. Obviously, I have to brush some of my kiddos’ teeth, but my nine-year-old is doing it on her own now.

Then, I’ll have my nine-year-old start reading on her own, or sometimes she’ll work on mind puzzlers. My seven-year-old saw her do that and kind of started doing it, too. Anything to get them tired and slowing down.

My nine-year-old is the one that doesn’t slow down as easily, so a longer bedtime is helpful. Otherwise, I’m rushing her, and that makes it hard because I don’t feel connected with her when we do that. It’s always when we’re trying to speed up bedtimes that my kids start sharing something really meaningful. That’s when I have to pause and try to create space for anything that they want to share.

When time allows, we’ll go in and read a couple books with her. She’s just started reading chapter books on her own. My husband challenged her to read The Magic Tree House book in one day, and she did. So now she’s like, “Oh, I can do this!” and super into it. We’re really excited about her reading journey.

With Levi, my youngest, we read three books in the rocking chair. He picks them out. And then we hop in bed and sing a song. My husband will even pull out the guitar sometimes before lights out.

After everyone is settled, we try to give an extra quick snuggle or something and tell them we love them before leaving. Levi likes to be snuggled until he falls asleep, though. Usually, I don’t lay with my kids until they fall asleep, but lately he’s been waking up in fits and terrors. I have a hard time not responding when they’re crying, and I can’t tell if it’s a hurt cry or a sad cry or something else. I at least want to let them know that I’m there. So right now, I do lie next to him until he falls asleep, which he does fairly quickly. I’m actually kind of enjoying that right now, especially because I know it won’t last forever.

The other day I asked Levi, “What is it you like about me being here?” And he said, “You make me happy.” So I know that this moment is an important connection and that it won’t be forever but that it is valuable.

For a little while, he didn’t allow John to be there. Rachel and I talked about advice that we read and ways we could help with that issue instead of just saying, “No, stop. You’re going to Dad.” That reaction almost made it worse. We taught our husbands how to respond, framing it as something like, “I know you really want mom right now, but you get me right now. And this is how it’s going to be great!” Fortunately, we’ve passed through that phase.

Rachel’s Family Bedtime Routine

Ashlee’s routine is very similar to mine. Recently, my husband and I have really found our rhythm with the kids’ bedtime. My husband goes with my son every night, and I stay with the girls. We went through trial and error, trying different things. For a while, we would alternate nights. It just didn’t work. So we just stopped trying new things.

Now, we try to go up to bed between 7:30 and 8:00, but this can change depending on when we get home from gymnastics. On nights when we’ve got dinner and baths done on time, we really enjoy our relaxing bedtime routine. It’s pretty much the same thing as Ashlee—teeth, take the hair out, and then reading time.

Reading is very important to me, which is funny because I never liked reading on my own as a kid. So I didn’t think that I would be reading to my kids. But I love it. It happens so organically. We go to the library once a week. We get a big load of books and haul it upstairs. I don’t set a number of books to read with them. I go by time. I usually snuggle up and read to all three of my kids for about 45 minutes.

My one-year-old will sit there and listen to all these stories that are definitely highly above her level. Sometimes I think I’m doing her a disservice by not reading her baby books all the time, but I did the same thing with Brecken, who’s my four-year-old, and she’s now in first grade and excelling in reading at school. I just feel like the kids will rise to that level and that they actually will develop those vocabulary skills earlier. To be clear, I see so many benefits to reading that are more than just vocabulary. It’s stories and getting immersed in your imagination. I’m bad at this. My kids will ask me to tell them stories and I can’t think of anything.

When we’re done with reading time, that’s when my husband takes my son and I stay with the girls. At that point, we read a chapter book or a more challenging book for my oldest. And then I will take my one-year-old with me to co-sleep. I know there’s opinions about co-sleeping, but it works for us so that’s what we do. I’m going to move her to her room very soon when she turns two.

A Friend’s Family Bedtime Routine

One of our best friends, Barbara, and her husband do bedtime a little differently. They each are able to take turns. Obviously, this is dependent on both parents being available in the evening times, which is not always the case. But it works for them, where they trade off evenings with their three kiddos. She puts the baby down first and then spends time with her two older girls.

That way, one of them puts everybody to bed one night, and the other person gets a complete night off. We think this can be a great strategy if you want to prioritize meeting some of your needs individually, all while still having time to connect with your kiddos. I think it’s important to remember that you and your partner are a couple and worth investing time into that relationship.

For Ashlee and I, we just genuinely love that time with our kids too much to give it up. So even though we don’t always have a chance to talk to our husbands in the evening, we still think it’s worthwhile to connect with our kids at bedtime. It’s all about finding a balance.

An Instagram Mom’s Bedtime Routine

A person we follow on Instagram shared that her bedtime routine looks very different. Her kids are, I think, a little bit older than ours. What I love about hers is she does everything in 20 minutes with each kid.

She starts with the youngest, which I think in her case is a six-year-old, and just gives that child 20 minutes of super intentional time. But it’s not reading, which is why for me right now, I don’t feel like I’m at a point where I want to do what she does. Reading for our families is too important currently and they can’t read independently yet.

But I think that when my kids get older and they’re reading on their own, they can do their reading time while I do my one-on-one time with my other kids. I also like that this is kind of a tiered system, where your oldest gets the reward of being up the latest.

I remember when she said that, I thought “Whoa, that’s an hour every night. You’re committing.” But then I remembered that I give my kids an hour or an hour and a half every night already. So it’s very doable.

Besides, this is your window time into their souls. This is when you’re going to get those deep, heartfelt moments that maybe you’re not going to get during the day because you’re busy in a chaotic household with three kids. But bedtime is a special time where they can slow down and connect with your hearts.

Advice for Parents Struggling with Bedtime

Nothing lasts forever in bedtime. So if you’re going through a hard time where your kid is not falling asleep, is coming to your room every night, and you’re exhausted—or if you’re tired and not wanting to do bedtime on bad days—or you have a baby who’s waking up crying wanting to nurse every night, just recognize it’s a season.

Yes, it might be a hard season, but knowing that it’s a season is bittersweet. It’s realizing that this is not going to last forever. Your child is not always going to come to your room. Eventually, he’ll get to the point where he’s a big boy and he doesn’t need to be in your room anymore.

Just recognize that their childhood goes so fast and that the season will pass, and you will get through it. Remember that you’re doing a great job. If you’re trying, you’re doing great. Your bedtime can look however it needs to look. We got your back.

Ashlee Hendricks

Ashlee Hendricks

Real Life Conversations Host

I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.

As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so we’ve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that you’ll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!

Rachel Robinson

Rachel Robinson

Real Life Conversations Host

I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.

My husband, John, is a men’s gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.

You may also like

Getting Out of the House with Kids

Getting Out of the House with Kids

by | Apr 22, 2024 | Real Life Conversations

This week, we’re going to talk about getting out of the house with our kids and things to do in our local community. But before we get into that, we just want to say thank you for being here. We recognize that, in this world, there are so many things that you can tune into, so many things that you can listen to and watch, and your time is precious and valuable. The fact that you’re choosing to spend it with us just means so much to us. So, thank you.

Our Recent Glimmer & Dimmer

We’re going to start with our glimmer and dimmer. This week, Rachel has the dimmer and Ashlee has the glimmer.

Rachel’s April Dimmer

Mine’s just kind of boring, and it’s a dimmer. Ashlee and I have had to reschedule recording this video several times because my kids have been sick. It wasn’t just one sickness. Everybody got through the throw-up sickness. And then everybody went through the next sickness. And then the next new sickness.

So, I mean, it was about half of March that we were home sick. It just was not fun at all. We’re finally on the other side of it—except my husband. My husband napped today. When he’s sick, he takes lots of baths. I just feel so bad that everybody has had to get it.

But I think the worst one was the throw-up sickness. My daughter, Ellie, had it first. The next day, we were supposed to go to our family’s cabin like we do every Saturday. Even though my one-and-a-half-year-old was throwing up, I still decided that it would be a good idea to go to the cabin.

Besides, she had paused throwing up that morning. She’d even fallen asleep. I planned to drive to the cabin while she slept. Well, she probably threw up at the cabin seven times.

Then she stopped. I was relieved, only to realize my next kid, Brecken, caught it. Great. On our way home from the cabin, my son threw up all over my car. It smelled horrible. We finally got home around seven that night and everybody needed baths and my car had throw-up in it.

Because my husband was out of town, I called my dear mom. She came over and cleaned the throw-up out of my car while I was upstairs doing bath time. Once I finished with baths, I took a shower while the kids were downstairs watching a movie. While I’m taking my shower, my oldest comes up and says, “Mommy, Brecken threw up all over the stairs!”

My poor mom had just finished cleaning the car, but she comes in with her little green machine and gets to work = on the stairs right away. Bless her heart. She’s a saint.

It’s so real-life mom, though. All moms have towels to put down when the kids are throwing up. Or a spare mattress they can use to sleep next to the kids, just so that we don’t have to clean up our own mattresses. Do you ever hear the faintest little sound and you’re awake with the bowl in your hand ready to catch throw up? Because that was me. I don’t even know how we wake up that quickly. It’s like a super power that I wish I could have for myself in the morning.

Anyway, I’m so glad to be on the other side of those illnesses and seeing my kids laughing, dancing and singing again.

Ashlee’s April Glimmer

Mine’s got some good humor in it, too, OK? I’m seeing this one as a glimmer.

This morning, I had a few things I needed to get done, like respond to text messages. While I’m sitting there on my phone, my three-year-old, Levi, comes up to me and says, “Mom, I want to play with you.”

I respond, “OK, bud, I need to finish this first.” It’s Saturday morning and there are three other people in the house, so I was expecting him to wander around and find someone else to play with while I finished my tasks. Responding to my texts is taking me a little bit longer than I expected, anyway.

But, he actually was persistent. He asked me a few more times, but was really patient when I held firm. All of a sudden, he dashed off down the hallway. He came back and said, “Mom, I just set a two-minute timer for you. And when the timer goes off, then you can play with me.”

I couldn’t believe it. If you saw our last episode, we talked about how I set a timer and give my kids two minutes to wrap up whatever they’re doing before transitioning to another task to help regulate everyone’s big emotions. And he totally did that. He parented me.

It was so awesome that I said, “You bet, bud!” All while thinking, “I’m not sure I’m going to be done with this in two minutes, but I will be because you’re following through with what I’ve been teaching you at home.”

It was a mom win. So, even though I didn’t get to finish what I was doing, it was OK because there was no fighting. There was no angriness. And when the timer went off, we went and played because I wanted to be sure I was enforcing his behavior. Expectations should go both ways.

Why You Should Get Out of the House with Your Kids

Getting out with your kiddos creates community, helps handle our big emotions and mental health, and gives us new experiences and new people. It also helps create a pause, which we’ve talked about before, or a much-needed break from your responsibilities inside the house. Once we step outside, it feels like everything that was inside that was noisy and needed us can wait. When I’m outside, I’m not worried about so much anymore. And I’m way more present with my kids.

Common Struggles That May Prevent You From Leaving the House

There are plenty of struggles when trying to leave your home with littles. We could be tired or the weather could be bad. There are a lot of different reasons that we’ve experienced in our littles’ lives that have made us not want to go out that day. But ultimately, we need that break, too. We need to step out of the house probably just as much as our kids do. we regret it when we don’t.

Household Chores

Some moms see their home as their safe space. I think home should be a safe place for everyone and our kids, but when we’re at home, there’s an endless to-do list. I look around think, “Well, I may as well throw in some laundry” or “I should unload the dishwasher” or do some other chores. Oftentimes, during these tasks, my youngest will say, “Mommy, come sit with me. Mommy, come do this.”

I usually respond with “Just let me finish this one thing.” But sometimes in my mind I wonder, “Is this what I really need to be doing right now? I really should be here sitting with my child. That’s what I want to be doing.”

But we also have houses to maintain. It’s real life. Balancing those responsibilities is really hard. So sometimes just removing yourself from a space with distractions and things that need to get done can help you to focus on your kids.

Strict Schedules

My biggest barrier is currently my kid’s napping routine. Every day at one in the afternoon, I need to be home. From 1:00 to 3:00, my child is sleeping at home. So, when I’m looking at our day, I realize that if we don’t do anything in the morning, that means we’re going to be home from the time we wake up until mid-afternoon. That’s a really long day for me to be sitting in our house. I tend to feel cooped up if I don’t go do things.

So in my current situation, I find it works best for me to go do something in the morning. Here’s our tentative family schedule for the week:

  • Monday: Ashlee and I meet at the library for story time with Miss Diane in the morning. Here, our kids get to pick out books for the week. Then, my daughter goes to school. After school is gymnastics.
  • Tuesday: We usually have a small plan (like grocery shopping) in the morning, and my son goes to preschool in the afternoon.
  • Wednesday: Swim lessons for my son in the morning and gymnastics after my daughter gets out of school.
  • Thursday: Preschool in the afternoon and a standing playdate with Ashlee afterwards.
  • Friday: This is our long day. My daughter’s dance lessons don’t get done until 6:30. My son has nothing planned, so I hope for a nice day outside so that we can keep busy at a park.
  • Saturday: My family goes to our not-so-fancy, homemade cabin built in 1928 on 90 acres in the woods. I grew up going there. My dad’s grandpa built it. It’s only about 25 minutes away, and there’s nothing to do there except be with my kids away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Here, my kids play outside with sticks, we make a fire and it’s wonderful.
  • Sunday: No plan.

Having a routine is good for my kids because my almost seven-year-old knows what’s happening. She can recognize that today is Monday, which means that she has gymnastics after school. I know that not everybody has the same schedule constraints, like Ashlee doesn’t have kids who nap anymore, so she’s a little bit more flexible.

But not having structure can throw you for a loop, too. With all that flexibility in a schedule, it makes it so that sometimes we let the days get away from us a little bit. Ashlee can realize at two in the afternoon that she hasn’t left the house. By then, it’s too late because she needs to go pick up the girls in an hour.

Negative Emotions

Lately, I can feel very overstimulated very quickly, whether it’s noise or the things I have to do. Some of it has been because of hard family circumstances that have eaten up emotional energy that I have. Not having all of that reserved energy can suddenly make hearing three requests at the same time from my kids, or a loud noise, or whatever, really overstimulating.

The world quiets down outside for me, though. The only things that really matter in those moments is being present. So find whatever quiets the negative emotions for you—like being outside or exercising together as a family—and be willing to do the tedious preparation for those activities.

For example, with Rachel’s cabin, every week she thinks, “Ugh, this is so much work to do this. I have to pack up snacks and coats for every kid if it’s cold. We need to remember a toy for our dog and some stuff to play baseball. Then, we spend forever loading up the car. When we get home, I always want to wash my car because the cabin is on a dirt road. The kids need baths before bed. It’s a full day. Do I really want to do this?”

But every single time we get home, we’re so glad we did it.

What You Need to Be Successful Out of the House with Kids

What are your go-tos when you go to get out of the house? What are the things you need to just be successful?

Convenient Destination

This mom on Instagram, @chanwiththeboys, talks about how it doesn’t have to be complicated to leave the house. As a mom, you don’t always have to do kid-centered things, either. It doesn’t always have to be the zoo. It doesn’t have to be things that are intended for kids. If you need to go to Target, go to Target and bring your kids with you.

I did this last week with my son. I bought macaroons and ate them in the store while he played in the toy section. Before we went, I reminded him that we weren’t going to buy any of the toys and he respected that. We had a great time, and I didn’t spend too much.

Minimal Toys

This same Instagram mom took her three boys to a coffee shop. She said the only thing that she brought to entertain them was a tape measure. That’s it. She turned it into a game with her kids. She’d say, “Go measure that table over there!” And they’d all run over, stay busy for 45 seconds and then come back. Then, she’d repeat the process, “OK, go measure that chair.”

Sometimes, we make it so complicated in our minds and think we need to entertain our kids. We want to be present in their lives, but at the same time, we don’t always want to be their entertainers. At the cabin, my kids are so happy with sticks. Other than a baseball, I don’t bring toys.

When you get outside, they might feel bored at first. That’s normal. They’re understimulated. It’s good for your kids to be bored. It forces their minds to think of something to do. You’ve just got to give it some time.

Snacks & Water

I usually need a snack and water, too, obviously. Or we can have a snack right before we leave, and then we can get out the door. At least with these items, I know we’re going to last a little while and be OK for a long time out of the house.

Rachel always has her snack bag. It’s become a little bit of a crutch. We will have just eaten breakfast, and then I’ll go to swimming lessons with my son. On the way he asks, “Can I have a snack bag?” Because he knows if we’re leaving, I have the snack bag. So I don’t know. Gauge that one for what’s going to be best for you and your family.

Change of Clothes

I also grab an extra pair of clothes. Because that way, when we’re out and about and the kids get dirty, I don’t care. I can just shrug it off. It’s fine. They’re clothes. They’re washable. Even my kids are washable, so it doesn’t matter if they get muddy or grassy.

If I have extra clothes, I’m not stressed about them getting back into the car. They can play unrestrained. That’s why I’ll keep an extra set of clothes in the car. Now, obviously, that’s different when I had younger children. My older kids do even better. But younger, you’re going to need a diaper bag.

Favorite Places to Go with Our Kids

Here’s where we love to take our littles for kid-friendly activities in Omaha and Lincoln, Nebraska:

  • We already mentioned the library.
  • We love a local resource, Macaroni KID, which has family-friendly events that are either free or really, really inexpensive. You can probably find the Macaroni KID equivalent in your area.
  • We also like to go to the zoo or an aquarium if you have annual passes.
  • Another favorite is walking around Scheels. They have a playground, a Ferris wheel and kids meals with a giant ice cream cone for like $5.
  • Similarly, I used to have some mom friends that would meet up over at Chick-fil-A. The kids would have fun in the indoor play area.
  • We can’t forget The Little Red Farm in Palmyra, Nebraska. It’s a cute farm with pigs, chickens and cows. They do story time once or twice a month for kids. After story time, you can feed the chickens. That’s how we met and became friends as moms.

Know that we’re in this with you. We’re working on leaving our homes with our kids more, too. Maybe we’ll see you out there. You don’t need to do motherhood alone. Come join our village exactly as you are.

Ashlee Hendricks

Ashlee Hendricks

Real Life Conversations Host

I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.

As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so we’ve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that you’ll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!

Rachel Robinson

Rachel Robinson

Real Life Conversations Host

I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.

My husband, John, is a men’s gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys

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Navigating Big Emotions

Navigating Big Emotions

by | Mar 25, 2024 | Real Life Conversations

Hi everyone! Welcome to those joining us for the first time, and welcome back to those who are returning! In our last episode, we got to know each other a bit better and talked about friendships in motherhood. Today, we’re excited to dive a little deeper into some new content.

Our Monthly Glimmers & Dimmers

Just like last time, we’re going to start with a glimmer and a dimmer from each of us.

Ashlee’s Recent Glimmer

I was in the car the other day and my daughter is really excited and motivated when she has her screen time. We try to have limits, but she wanted to use her Switch, which is something we got her for Christmas. And we have some limits already set. But she was asking me, even though we’ve already set our limits, and I got a little frustrated in the car.

I said, “Hey, we already have these limits. When you ask me and I have to say no and no and no, I feel like I’m a bad mom. I don’t like to feel that way.” She was quiet for a little bit. And then a few minutes later, she said, “Mom, you are not a bad mom.”

It melted my heart. She just had such a sweet, mature conversation with me after that about how sorry she was that I pushed. It really made me feel like the things that I’m trying to do—using our words and communicating—is helping.

Rachel’s Recent Dimmer

Mine is a completely different feel than Ashlee’s. It’s one of those dimmers that you look back on and it’s kind of a glimmer because it’s so funny.

It happened right after we recorded our first episode and after a huge snowstorm. I’m at the park with my three kids, my dog Penny, and one of Ashlee’s kids, Anna, after school. Everybody was so excited because it was the first warm day in a long time.

When we got to the park, we saw that there were giant puddles everywhere because the snow had just started to melt. I had the thought of taking everyone to another park—one that might be less muddy—but we were already there. The kids started playing on the merry-go-round. I’m pushing them faster and faster and everything is fine. Until Finley, my one-year-old, wants to get on the merry-go-round with them. They start getting a little too fast on the merry-go-round, so I swoop in to save Finley, but my foot gets caught.

I fall backwards into a giant puddle holding Finley in my arms. She did not get hurt or wet. But I did. My entire legs and back were soaked. I stayed still in the puddle for a long time. After I got up, other moms from across the park started cheering me on. I could have been really mad at the situation, but having those other moms make it fun and cheer with me turned this into a really awesome celebratory moment.

When we got back to the car, Ashlee met us there to pick up Anna. And my dog, Penny, had also gotten in the mud. So I’m cold, wet and at my last straw, just scrambling to clean her paws and keep my new car clean. Fortunately, Ashlee saved me with a water bottle that she dumped on Penny’s paws.

So, yes, the kids and dog got muddy, but they had a blast. And I reacted in the way that made it fun. It was the perfect moment of moms supporting moms.

How to Handle Big Emotions in Kids & Moms

We wanted to talk about big emotions in our kids, but also in ourselves. We’ll share what we continue to learn as we’re navigating motherhood and emotions with our kids. We’re trying to be emotionally healthy for them and help them continue to develop emotionally healthy skills. Finally, we’ll share advice on how to keep our emotions in check. We’ll look for ways to respond rather than react to our children when they have those big emotions.

We also understand that we are not perfect. We’re all humans. So there are going to be times when we do react. What do we do then? We’ll prove that repairing is a valuable tools that helps heal both us and our kiddos.

Techniques for Managing Big Emotions

Let’s get into the nitty gritty.

Rachel: Pausing Before Reacting

This is my biggest tool to remember. Reacting is the immediate feeling of being triggered and acting on that trigger. As opposed to breathing, taking a moment and realizing it’s not an emergency.

I have a word of the year, which I haven’t done before. It’s “breathe” for this exact reason. I’m having big emotions with my second child, who is four. This is the age when they’re experiencing independence for the first time. He wants to do things by himself now. That’s when those big emotions happen. He doesn’t have the emotional intelligence yet to know that his words cause reactions in other people. He’s experimenting with how emotions feel in his body. Having “breathe” as my word of the year helps center me in those moments.

Ashlee: Giving Time During Transitions

If I’m feeling rushed and haven’t given myself time to do the things that I need to do prior to leaving, I’ll react instead of respond. Transitions are such difficult times for my family. I can lose my cool so easily then. For example, my kids often don’t want to go when I’m ready to go. When big emotions happen, I usually haven’t done the steps to give us time.

What’s worse is that it makes it even longer than if I had paused and tried to just relate with where my children are. Developmentally, they’re in a perfectly normal emotional state for their age. A pause can be so effective for those situations. It might be getting down on their level and saying, “Hey, I know you don’t want to leave right now, but this is what we’re doing.” Meeting your kids in the eye is huge.

Rachel: Recognizing Your Ultimate Power as a Parent

I saw a quote from Dr. Siggie on Instagram recently. She gives phenomenal parenting tips. She’s an older woman, which got me thinking about how in thirty years from now, these big emotions are going to seem so insignificant. But as we’re treading them, they’re big in our life. They matter to us. They impact our day-to-day. We’re probably sleep-deprived and stressed. Maybe we’re dealing with our own issues. But imagining myself looking off a balcony from far away at these moments helps me have a better response. That way, I don’t have tunnel vision.

Anyway, Dr. Siggie said, “Your ultimate power is your calmness. Yelling is not power. It is losing control of your own emotions. Giving in is not power. It is your child’s behavior controlling your actions. Punishment is not power. It’s feeling frustrated, overwhelmed and unsure how else to guide your child. Your ultimate power as a parent is your calm—the ability to stay focused, regulated and in charge in the face of your child’s emotions and outbursts.”

Rachel & Ashlee: Viewing Emotions as Temporary Waves

I read in a parenting book one time that emotions are temporary. You’re going to feel them. They feel really big in the moment, but emotions pass. They’re like waves. All you have to do is get through the big wave and come out the other side to feel better.

Regulating Big Emotions in Public

How do you regulate big emotions in your children in public situations? This can get a lot of parents on edge because there are people around and they’re watching. It can make you feel even more frazzled. You just want it to stop. So what do you do?

Ashlee: Avoid Self-Judgment

The biggest thing is realizing that when my kids have an outburst in public, I judge myself. If my kid has an outburst, I have choices, though. One is that I can start judging myself and feel embarrassed about my kid’s actions. Where have I gone wrong? What have I done? Why is my kid acting like this? That’s going to make the situation much worse. It’s adding another big emotion to a big emotion. It’s looking inward at me instead of outward at my child.

The other choice is to pause and break away from judging myself. It’s saying that my kiddo is having a hard time in this moment and that has nothing to do with me and my parenting. I usually go down to my kid’s level and figure out what they’re sad or upset about. I try to show them that I see them. I show that their emotions matter—that feelings are normal.

Ashlee: Block Out the Noise

I also block out other people that might be looking at me. I put blinders on because ultimately it’s the relationship between you and your child that matters. None of those strangers are part of your family unit. Your child is what’s important at that moment. You’ll get different responses to this approach. Some will be embarrassed for you. Other moms will validate you, which means the world.

Ashlee: Slow Down

Again, if I’m feeling rushed, I’m going to feel like I don’t have time to deal with my child’s emotions. But I always have time. In the grand scheme of things, if we’re five minutes late to practice so that my oldest can finish drawing her picture, it doesn’t matter. If I was being rushed while working on something important, I’d have big emotions too. They see me telling them to wait when I’m doing laundry. They’re simply trying to mirror that behavior but don’t always have the words. So, instead, I slow down, set a two-minute timer and give my kids a heads up that that’s how long they have before we need to go.

Ashlee: Respond Differently to Each Child

Both of us have three kids. They respond differently to big emotions, so I have to respond differently, too. My oldest daughter will read as her way to calm down. Afterwards, she’s usually ready to have a conversation with me. With my second, I’m in the process of understanding what helps her best. I can let my emotions feel big when I see hers feeling really big. I’m working on that. She usually needs space to draw and relax. Fortunately, all of my kids are great with their words.

Ashlee: Provide Space

If your kid is disregulated and you’re trying to have a conversation with them, they can’t hear you at all. I find that giving them space and time is the common denominator.

How to Regulate Your Emotions as the Parent

I think most moms have a similar list of things they do to stay calm, but mine are:

  1. Going outside
  2. Singing a song
  3. Dancing to music
  4. Getting in the bath—or adding water to any situation
  5. Eating a snack

All of these totally change the moment. Your kids think it’s a silly, fun game that gets everyone laughing instead of upset. I also remind myself in these moments that our children are not objects to be perfected. They are human beings to have relationships with. So, when I stop feeling like I have to form them into perfect little people to go into the world, it takes the pressure off. I’m just here to learn about you, support you, listen to you and hear what you like and don’t like.

It also helps to remember that every day is a new day. I’ve never parented a nine, seven, and three-year-old—these particular children—on this particular day before. Give yourself grace.

How to Repair After Reactions

Sometimes, you react instead of responding. We’re going to mess up. In the heat of the moment, it can be impossible to name the emotion you’re feeling and explain why. So what do you do?

Before you talk about what happened with your kids, make sure they’re calm. Spend time with them. Set aside about ten minutes of non-rushed time in your schedule. Have it be the last thing you talk about that day. While they’re in bed, say, “Hey, remember when this happened today? I’d like to talk about it.”

An apology is a great start. But the mistake some parents make is “I’m sorry because you…” or “I was mad because you…” That’s not an apology. Instead, a real apology doesn’t place blame. It’s “I’m sorry. I was upset. I responded or handled that in a way that I didn’t like. Can we try again?”

The cool thing about this approach is that it rewires the brain. My kids and I will role-play the situation, where we pretend to do things differently. I’ll say, “When you said this, instead of me saying this, here’s what I would have said instead. Do you like that better?” They’ll usually say yes, and we’ll have a connecting moment that they can think about later and feel better about than my first reaction.

Every time I do this, we walk away stronger. It doesn’t feel like I’m stuck in that mistake. I can correct it. It teaches my kids that they can correct theirs, too. We can both be better. Dr. Becky is another parenting expert that I love. Her book, No Bad Kids, is all about how there are kids (and adults) who make mistakes, but they’re not entirely bad because of them.

It’s in moments of repair that our kids take our breath away. They’re so loving, full of care, mature and good. That pureness and their potential to be great humans heals us. They continue to fill our cups back up.

You don’t need to do motherhood alone. Come join our village exactly as you are.

Ashlee Hendricks

Ashlee Hendricks

Real Life Conversations Host

I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.

As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so we’ve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that you’ll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!

Rachel Robinson

Rachel Robinson

Real Life Conversations Host

I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.
My husband, John, is a men’s gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.

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Friendship in Motherhood

Friendship in Motherhood

by | Feb 27, 2024 | Real Life Conversations

Hi, I’m Rachel and I’m Ashlee. Welcome to our CapitalMOM Real Life Conversations series.

Why We Partnered with CapitalMOM

CapitalMOM approached us at the end of 2023 and asked us to create some content talking about motherhood, our motherhood journeys, and relatable conversations that we’ve experienced—and continue to experience—as moms that you’ve probably experienced as well.

In this, we want to invite you to be a part of this. Please share thoughts or ideas of topics that you would like to hear. And just know that we are in the throes of motherhood. We are in the real life-ness of it all. We’re so happy to be on this journey together and would love to have you be part of our mom tribe.

Get to Know Rachel & Ashlee

Let us introduce ourselves so you get to know us a bit more.

All About Rachel

I’m a mom of three. I have a six-year-old daughter named Ellie, a four-year-old son named Brecken, and a one-year-old named Finley. I grew up in Lincoln.

I went to Hawthorne, Leffler, and East High. I was a dancer, and I even danced in college. My husband is John. He’s a gymnastics coach for the men’s side at the University of Nebraska Lincoln (UNL). My kids take gymnastics once a week at Go Big Red, and they get to know the UNL gymnasts.

I taught health and PE for nearly nine years before I became a stay-at-home mom. I worked until my firstborn was two and a half, and it was hard. I felt like I was missing so many of her precious years and stages. I finally decided to become a stay-at-home mom when my son, Brecken, was born with a lung injury. And I’ve been a stay-at-home mom since. I love it. I think I love it so much more because I have the perspective of what it was like to be a working mom.

All About Ashlee

I have three kids as well—Ellie (nine), Anna (seven), and Levi (three). We are not from Nebraska originally. We lived in Utah and South Carolina before. My girls were born in South Carolina, but my littlest, Levi, was born in Nebraska.

My husband and I met at the hospital. He thought he was going to be a medical doctor. He decided to be a business doctor instead. But now, he works at UNL at the business college as a professor. I work at an OB/GYN clinic, still utilizing my nursing skills and getting out of the house routinely.

Our Monthly Glimmers & Dimmers

Each month, we’re going to share either a glimmer or a dimmer from something that just happened recently in our lives.

Rachel’s February Glimmer

My daughter Ellie has a lot of passions and always wants to do things. She comes up with new ideas all the time. Sometimes, I can make them happen, but sometimes I just can’t because there are only so many hours in a day.

Last Friday, she came home from school with a book about tea parties. She wanted to have a tea party, make at least three different creations from this book and invite her friends. So, on Saturday afternoon, we made sponge cake and she asked me if I had texted her friends. I hadn’t yet.

On Sunday morning, she asked me again, “Have you texted my friends?” I said no again. But finally I asked Ashlee’s husband, “Is there any way Anna could come over for a tea party today?” And he responded, “Yes!”

So it happened. Anna, our neighbor, my son and another friend were my daughter’s four guests at this adorable little tea party. We set up the living room all fancy. Everybody arrived dressed up. It was the cutest thing ever to see all the little kids at the tea party and making her dream come true over such a short period of time. It felt like such a ray of sunshine seeing them sitting around our dining room table pouring tea.

Ashlee’s February Dimmer

My dimmer happened this morning as I was getting ready. My little guy, who is three, is playing in the tub playing with color-change cars as I’m putting on my makeup. I look over and I see he’s squatting. He looks down and says, “Mom, I just pooped in the bath.”

Oh, the very realness of toddlers and motherhood. I had cleanup duties. Even though I don’t have a dog, I was cleaning up as if I did. I don’t need more chaos with a puppy or another kid right now. I’m just trying to survive now.

How Did Rachel & Ashlee Meet?

Ashlee grew up on a farm and was feeling homesick. So, her family found a cute little place called Little Red Farm just outside of town with a children’s story time. During story time, Ashlee notices that her daughter is playing with another little girl., so she strikes up a conversation with that girl’s mom.

We put ourselves out there a little bit. We started chatting and learned that our husbands, both named John, both worked at UNL. Our oldest daughters were both named Ellie. We lived three minutes away from each other. So then we just asked, “Do you want to be friends?”

Now, after three years of knowing each other, our kids are best friends. Seeing how God orchestrated our friendship is amazing. It’s really rare to find someone who you get along with, your husbands get along, our kids get along and we live close. That doesn’t happen very often, which is why we feel really grateful to have found it in each other.

Hardships in Finding Friends as a Mom

Starting From Scratch

Trying to make friends in a new place is really tough. Sure, it’s exciting with all of the newness and adrenaline. But when Ashlee moved to Nebraska, it was a clean slate—no family, no friends and no safety net. But she knew that having other mothers—other women, not just moms—that supported her and that she felt like she could have something to offer to them was really valuable. Even if you haven’t moved out of state, it can be difficult for moms who lost touch with high school friends and had college friends move back to where they came from.

Exhaustion & Rejection

Meeting new people is almost like dating—friendship dating. There’s a very genuine exhaustion of putting yourself out there and wondering, “Are you going to be my friend? Are we going to jive? Do we have the same parenting styles? Will our husbands get along? Are our kids going to like each other?” With so many unknowns, it can be kind of exciting in some ways, but very tiring.

No Bonding Activities

It’s especially difficult meeting fellow parents when your kids are little. Instead of having sporting events or extracurriculars as the catalyst for bringing everyone together, you’re the one creating all of the experiences. Ashlee’s kids were four and two when they first moved here.

Encouragement for Building Your Mom Tribe

We both have an amazing mom tribe. If we go out of town, we have people to watch our kids and rely on. But we worked so hard to make it happen. Here’s what we did that worked.

Be Vulnerable

You have to put yourself out there to make friends as an adult. Though it’s not easy, no matter what phase of life you’re in, you have to just do it because otherwise it’s not going to happen.

We used to go to a lot of places where we’d see cute moms that we’d like to talk to because they looked like people we’d be friends with. But many times, we’d just say hello and not take it any further than that. Until we met. We were clearly both in need of a mom friend. That interaction inspired both of us to not be afraid to approach people.

If your kids are playing with somebody and that mom looks relatable, go up and introduce yourself. Don’t be afraid to ask for their phone number—the really scary part.

Stay Persistent

Just remember that there’s really nothing to lose. You try it. If it doesn’t work out, no problem. If you try it and it does, you might have lasting friendship. Maybe you get three numbers but they don’t respond to you. That’s okay. They might not be in the place to accept new friends yet. But one of those times, it will work out and you’ll feel like you’re in the right place. There’s even a chance that they’re the one to reach out first, and that means a lot when you’re the one doing a lot of reaching out.

Look for the Good in Others

There are just so many good people out there. If moving around has taught me anything, it’s that there are just so many good people out there. Everyone has something to teach you—about others or about yourself. You’ll meet them.

Find Your Ride-or-Die

There are different levels of friendships—topical friendships and deep friendships. You need to have at least one person that will drop everything and be there for you. Someone that’s going to meet you where you are. Someone that picks up the slack when you’re feeling blah.

Encourage More Than One Mother Figure

My daughter, Anna, came to me once and said, “Mom, I have three moms. I have you, Rachel and another mom in our neighborhood.”

I said, “That’s great!” And she respond, “I think you’re my favorite.”

After that, I was a little hurt. But I didn’t need to be. It’s a blessing that she feels comfortable enough with two other adults in my life that she knows she could go to them as if they were her mom. I’m so glad that my daughter has other female figures in her life because I’m just one person with strengths and weaknesses of my own. She’s going to learn things from them that I can’t teach her, and they’re going to give her so much extra love. I will never be sad about that.

You don’t need to do motherhood alone. Come join our village exactly as you are.

Ashlee Hendricks

Ashlee Hendricks

Real Life Conversations Host

I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.

As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so we’ve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that you’ll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!

Rachel Robinson

Rachel Robinson

Real Life Conversations Host

I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.
My husband, John, is a men’s gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.

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