Parenting is one of the most fulfilling yet demanding roles you can take on. Over the years, through my professional experience and my own journey as a parent, Iâve realized that perfection isnât just unattainableâit can actually get in the way. Let me share a few suggestions that might help you embrace the concept of “good enough” parenting, a mindset that prioritizes love, structure and flexibility over unattainable ideals.
1. Lead with Love and Authority
Above all, your children need to feel loved. This doesnât mean there arenât rulesâfar from it. Love and structure go hand in hand. Be clear about your expectations and consistent in enforcing them, but ensure the consequences match the situation. For instance, donât ground your child for a week over a small mistake. If you find yourself angry, itâs okay to delay imposing consequences. You can say, âWeâll discuss this later.â This gives you time to cool off.
2. Pick Your Battles
Not everything is worth an argument. Parenting isnât about reacting to every little thingâitâs about guiding your childâs growth into a responsible, independent adult. Some lessons are best taught through your example. Sometimes, simply modeling the behavior you want to see is enough.
3. Get to Know Your Child
Every child is unique. Take time to understand your son or daughterâs personality and what drives them. Do you naturally warm to their temperament or does it sometimes challenge you? Factors like birth order, peers and personality all shape who they are and who they are becoming. Understanding these influences will help you connect with them as they grow.
4. Remember Perfection Isnât the Goal
The notion of perfect parenting is not only unrealistic but counterproductive. Trying too hard can stifle your childâs development. Over-involvement, like helicopter parenting, can prevent them from becoming independent. Aim to be “good enough”âsomeone who provides love, structure and support without smothering them.
5. Provide a Moral Framework
As parents, we serve as scaffolding for our childrenâs moral and ethical development. Theyâll rebel at timesâthatâs normal. But over time, they internalize the values we instill. This framework helps them navigate life long after theyâve left our care.
6. Set Rules, Rituals and Routines
Consistency provides stability for children.
Rules give clear expectations, such as completing homework or contributing to household chores.
Rituals like sharing gratitude at dinner or celebrating family milestones strengthen bonds.
Routines establish a sense of reliability, whether itâs grocery shopping on Saturdays or writing thank-you notes together.
7. Keep Communication Open
Kids can be surprisingly perceptive. They may not always come to you when theyâre upset, so make an effort to regularly check in. Be a good listener. Sometimes, they need your guidance, but sometimes, they just need you to hear them out.
8. Know What to Share
While openness is important, thereâs a fine line between honesty and oversharing. Your children donât need the full details of your financial struggles or marital issues. Be mindful of their age and emotional capacity. Itâs okay to let them know youâre having a tough day, but your job is to provide a sense of safety and stability.
9. Take Care of Yourself
Parenting is hard work, and if youâre not in a good place yourself, itâs tough to be there for your kids. If youâve developed unhealthy habits, work to replace them with better ones. Taking care of your physical and mental health models the importance of self-care for your children.
10. Always Show You Care
Above all, make sure your children know how deeply you care. Even when you stumbleâand we all doâyour love and effort will shine through.
A Closing Thought
Iâve made plenty of mistakes as a parent. But what Iâve learned is this: your children donât need you to be perfect. They need to know you love them, believe in them and are there for them no matter what. Remember, itâs not about never making mistakes; itâs about showing up, learning and growing alongside them.
As a full-time personal trainer, health and wellness are literally my careerâI spend my days helping others prioritize their well-being. But even with all my knowledge and experience, I still struggle to practice self-care as a mom of a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old. Between juggling my professional life at the gym, parenting, cleaning the house, laundry and everything in between, setting a huge goal for 2025 feels overwhelming. Last January, I didnât set any goals for the year. This year, though, Iâm focusing on something different: small, intentional habits that fit into my #momlife. Iâll share my thought process and goals with youâmaybe theyâll spark ideas for your own journey.
From Big Resolutions to Tiny Habits
Before my “mom era,” I loved setting big, ambitious New Yearâs resolutions. But now? As a mom of two littles, the thought of tackling a major goal feelsâŠwell, almost comical. Between work demands, parenting chaos and the never-ending to-do list, finding time to conquer a big resolution feels impossible. And yet, Iâm a growth-oriented person. I want to feel like Iâm working toward a better version of myself, even if my approach has to look different these days.
Thatâs why Iâm leaning into tiny habits. Unlike big resolutions, tiny habits are manageable and easy to weave into a busy day. They donât require a lot of time, energy or planningâperfect for moms who are already stretched thin. I often tell my clients, âsuccess breeds success”. Tiny wins build momentum and confidence, which over time leads to sustainable, meaningful change.
This year, Iâm even reframing the idea of âsmallâ habits. Iâm calling them tiny because, letâs be honest, anything bigger feels overwhelming. Tiny self-care moments are the ones I can realistically commit to, and they still make a difference. A quick stretch here, a gratitude practice thereâit all adds up. For example, while my coffee brews in the morning, I can sneak in a quick stretch. Or before picking up my kids from daycare, I can take one minute to breathe deeply and reset. These habits might be small, but their impact isnât.
The Power of Habit Stacking
You might have noticed a pattern here: Iâm âhabit stacking”. Habit stacking is when you pair a new habit with an existing routine. It makes adding something new easier because it fits seamlessly into what youâre already doing. For example, I could spend five minutes journaling when I get into work and open my laptop, practice gratitude while rocking my toddler to sleep and listen to personal development podcasts during car rides. These moments may be tiny, but theyâre impactful and fit seamlessly into the busy, full plate of responsibilities Iâm already managing.
Celebrating Tiny Wins
Moms, itâs easy to fall into the trap of thinking self-care has to be all or nothing. But the truth? Tiny wins matter. Every moment you spend prioritizing yourselfâwhether itâs a walk around the block, a gratitude list or a deep breathâmakes a difference. Taking care of yourself isnât selfish; itâs necessary. When you feel good, your family feels it too.
Hereâs to celebrating the tiny wins in 2025, because progress doesnât require perfectionâjust consistency. Letâs show up for ourselves so we can show up for the ones we love most.
Cassidy Vineyard Pflanz
Iâm originally from North Platte, NE, and Lincoln has been my home for more than a decade. My husband, Justin, and I have been married for almost ten years. We welcomed our first child, Maxwell, during the pandemic, and our youngest, Zoey, arrived in a much calmer chapter of history.
Justin and I are both small business ownersâhis in the motorsports industry, and mine as a personal trainer and social media manager. Our flexible schedules have allowed us to prioritize family life. When I have a spare moment, you can find me diving into photography, a good book, a favorite podcast, or the kitchen. Motherhood may not be as glamorous as social media makes it out to beâitâs demanding, exhausting, and often messyâbut I canât wait to share the beautifully messy journey with you!
We’re going to start with our glimmer and our dimmer. And my glimmer for this month is Wicked. Have you seen Wicked? Because I saw it, and I think about it every day. My husband and I debated on whether or not to bring our kidsâseven, five, and twoâbecause we knew it was almost three hours long, especially with previews.
My son had no interest in going at first. Then my husband said, “Boys can like musicals. Boys can go too.” and got him on board. Even my mom went with us. It was just incredible. It kept their attention. I couldn’t believe that my two-year-old and my five-year-old were so engaged.
I had parents messaging me afterwards, asking, “Do you think my kid can handle it?” And yes, definitely. We were trying to find the best time to go to the bathroom because it’s so good, and we didn’t want to miss anything. We’re already counting down to next November.
Even after the movie was over, it’s been so fun to bond over it with all of my kids. My family listens to the soundtrack. My two-year-old knows so many words. The music is so connecting. You can dance to it. You can sing together. You can do it all together.
Last week, I was going to school pickup and I was singing it. My seven-year-old hushed me, like, “Mom, wait till we get in the car!” and I could only think, “Oh, no. I’m already embarrassing. But I don’t even care.
Ashleeâs December Glimmer
I went to Wicked, too, and it was phenomenal. I don’t go to movies very often. It had been so long that I’d been to the theater that I didn’t know that there were recliners. So I was like a little kid in a candy shop, kicking my legs up and reclining the seat up and down, up and down. I also saw people coming in with blankets. The experience was just the best thing in the world.
You and I had a major Wicked bonding earlier this week because our husbands don’t really want to delve into the nitty-gritty, but Rachel wanted to talk about it more. So we had this amazing, hour-long Wicked talk.
But anyway, my recent glimmer involves music as well, but it was Levi’s Christmas concert for preschool. It was early in the morning, so we all got out of bed. And he just hammed it up. That’s my dream as a mom. I always want to see my kids so happy and being themselves. When they’re hamming it up like that, I feel like they just feel so loved.
His sisters were there too, my daughters. We were all there to support him, and he knew that. He was smiling and trying to make us laugh on the stage. The attention was all on him. As the littlest, he’s grown up always watching his big sisters. But this was his turn. So he just ate it up, and we were eating it up right along with him.
Home for the Holidays
This month’s topic is based on the stuff that we’re experiencing this month, with very specific little examples of what we’re going through. We’re hoping that you’re going through some of these scenarios as well, and maybe there will be a little inspiration that you can take from this to help bring more happiness and peace into your home for the holidays.
On months that we’ve been trying to talk about something that we’re just not really feeling right then, it doesn’t connect. So now, we’re talking about what’s on our hearts. And we don’t want to ever feel like we’re talking at you, because we’re in the same situation, and we’re learning as we go, too.
So right now, it’s Christmas break. And everyone is home. Your kids are home. And some of you might be feeling like, “When is this break going to end? Everybody’s here, and there’s so much noise, and there’s chaos, and kids are arguing.” During these times, we just want to encourage you to soak it in. And we know that it’s two weeks with everyone home, which can be overwhelming at times, but it’s also so special. You want to make sure that you really are enjoying your little people before they are gone off to school again.
Everyone Is Home
I found a poem called Everyone Is Home. And it’s going to make us cry. It says, “You’re ten years old and everyone is home. Mom is cooking, Dad is watching TV, and your siblings are doing their own thing, but everyone is home. You’re laying in your childhood bedroom, dreaming of the day when you get to be grown up and be on your own. You wanted to be older so badly that you forgot to take in the comfort of everyone being home.”
“Now you’re in your twenties, and you wish you could go back. You and your siblings have all moved out. Your parents have aged, and they’re trying to get used to the term empty nesters. You start to notice their gray hair and wonder where all the time has gone.”
“You realize that there will never be another day where you all live together again. Your siblings aren’t just in the other room. They are somewhere else. Every now and then you will visit, but you will never stay. You will never play together again. You will not wake up and eat breakfast together every morning, and there will be no more family movie nights. You won’t even see each other every day.”
“I’m longing for the feeling of home, but I can’t go back. My childhood home has been ripped down and pieces of it are scattered in all different places. Nobody is home.”
Rachel: I found that and thought, “Man, that is exactly what I was trying to say about just soaking it in and knowing that our kids are little for such a short season of their life and of our lives.”
Ashlee: Pouring love into our kids or spending extra time with them at bedtime or whatever can sometimes make me feel like I’m giving them too much time or too much attention. And obviously, it’s important to have the balance for yourself. But at the same time, you often hear advice to live each day as if it’s your last. And what would you want to do, and what would you say if you didn’t see them again? Exactly what I did was what I would do, you know?
Ashlee: What my kids want most from me is just my undivided attention. They just want me very present with them. And I think that is possible. I just have to let go of all the other stuff, which is harder to do than say. If I just let go of certain thingsânot saying let your house go or anything like that. You have to keep certain things goingâbut as far as being extra busy with activities. They just want to spend time with us doing whatever we’re doing. And if I’m present, it’s more enjoyable. If I am in my head or in other spaces is when conflict happens, either in myself or with them.
Ashlee: The times that I have felt most at peace is when we’re driving as a family. We’re all together. We’re in the same vehicle. Everything that I need or could possibly want is in that space. There’s something magical about that for me. We get in the car and we’re all there. It’s such a complete feeling that won’t last forever, so I really soak in those moments.
Rachel: And let’s not forget that we have to get ourselves to a good spot before we can pour into others. Last week, Ashlee did that, where she said, “I’m just going get myself back so that I can give to others.” There was one evening where she was done, done. Said goodnight early and everything.
Accept Kids Where They Are
Rachel: I had a daughter, then a son, then a daughter. And before I had my son, I was kind of nervous to have a boy because whenever I would see other little boys, I would have no clue how to talk to them. I wasn’t really interested in cars. I wasn’t interested in dinosaurs. Any of those things. I’d see a nephew or somebody at a holiday, and I would just wave and say hello, like that’s all I have.
And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized so much more that it’s just about meeting them where they are. So if you notice that they are playing with a car, asking, “Hey, which car is your favorite? Which color car is your favorite? And why? Why do you like that car?” Or, “What kind of dinosaur is that?”
Meet them in what they are playing with and what their world is. That’s how you can really connect with a childâboy or girlâbecause all they want to do is feel a connection, and to feel a connection is someone who shows interest in them and what they like. It might not be what you like, and that’s okay.
Ashlee: You don’t always have to come up with some elaborate story to play with them. In asking some of those questions, something’s going to pop up from that and lead to play.
Rachel: I know some people have social anxiety when going into a situation and not knowing what they’re going to say to a person they don’t know. I’ve found, as I’ve gotten older, that if you just ask about them, that’ll start a conversation. Something as simple as, “Hey, what’s going on in your life? How’s your sister? How’s this? How’s work?”
Actually, there’s this show I just started watching, “Nobody Wants This” on Netflix. In it, a guy is giving his friend advice on how to talk to somebody, and he says, “If you don’t know what to say, just repeat what they say.” So she tries it and it was just hilarious. He was like,”I went to the store today.” And she responded, “Oh, you went to the store?” And it just kept going.
So, anyway, getting into their world and you don’t even have to talk about yourself at all.
What Kids Want Most
Rachel: What our kids want most is us and our attention. We know sometimes that’s hard. Especially for me, at home is hardest because I have all these things to do. I have dishes over here. Laundry over there. So a lot of times, getting out of the house with my kids resets me. It focuses my attention on where we are and what I’m doing and not so much on everything around me. They feel more fulfilled too.
Ashlee: I find that when I’ve given my kids that undivided attention, if I need to step away, then, they’re more understanding at that point. It’s really only when I’ve been like half in, half out where I say I need to step away that they have big feelings.
How to Greet Kids
Rachel: My two-year-old, Finley, just adores Ashlee. Finley is always so excited to go to Ashlee’s house. But that got me thinking, “Why are our kids attracted to certain people? What is it in those people that makes them feel loved?”
With Ashlee and Finley, every time Ashlee sees my daughter, she gets down on her level, and she asks her how she is and touches her and makes her feel so loved. A lot of adults sometimes are so eager to talk to their friends, the other adult parents. When they come to our house, they really want to talk to me. But Ashlee makes it a priority to acknowledge my kids and make them feel special and loved. Taking those little moments is huge in how they feel about you.
Ashlee: Thank you. I had friends that I watched do that with my kiddos a lot, too. And it really does mean so much as a parent. You see your kids appreciate that moment and take in their love, and it just creates that feeling of villageâwhich is why we’re here talking about thisâa parent village, where they feel safe and loved beyond their immediate family. It’s one extra adult that they can rely on.
You’re not always going to be the only influence in your child’s life, so making sure they have other adults who are good mentors, good friends, and who love them with you is so important.
Let Kids Pursue Their Interests
Ashlee: Our children will have many interests, and many of them won’t be things that we’ve done. So remember, as excited as we are to share our particular interests with our kiddos, we want to give them time and space to let those skills develop and give them time and space to pursue other things that we didn’t do.
So my daughter, my oldest daughter, is doing dance and violin. Those are her two favorite things right now. And I never did either. I mean, I did show choir in high school, which does not count. I never played violin. I did not play a string instrument, aside from maybe one guitar class. I played piano.
But it’s been amazing letting her pursue her interests and letting other people guide and teach her because then I just get to soak it up. I don’t know enough to critique her. I just get to be in awe of what she’s doing. That’s actually been a really fun space for me to be in.
Rachel: On the flip side, from my experience, I have a daughter who is doing dance. And I was a dancer. Sometimes it’s hard as a parent to not turn into a coach, like, “Point your toe. Straighten your leg.” You just want to bite your tongue because you know that they’ll react like, “Mom! Stop it!”
Obviously, it’s okay if they do the same thing that you did, but allow yourself to process that if they don’t do what you do, that’s okay too. It can actually be really magical to witness them discover something new as their passion that you didn’t have as a passion. Because then they teach you about it. That way, you get to learn about it from your child. You’ll still be connecting through their interests because you’re going to be experiencing it together.
Plus, one of the best ways to learn is through teaching. So when your kid has a new skill and they get to teach it to their parent, that can actually feel really fulfilling, and give them a boost of confidence, like, “Wow, I’m so good at this that I can teach you.” Their whole life, we’re the expert. In this instant, they get to be the expert, which is really fun for everyone.
Build Your Kids Up
So I found a reel that was talking about our kids and what they believe. It said, “If you tell your kids that Santa is real, they believe you. If they tell your kids that if they put their tooth under the pillow and a fairy is going to come and take it and give you money, they believe you. So if you tell your kid that they are annoying and disruptive and rude, guess what? They believe you.”
The way we speak to our kids matters so much. If we tell our kids that they are capable and brave and amazing and powerful and whatever it is that you want to speak over your kids that can build them up, they will believe you.
Ashlee: I have a quote up in my hallway. It’s been with me since we bought our first home. It was one of the first things I hung between my kiddos’ pictures.
The quote says, “Speak to your children as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful and magical humans on Earth, for what they believe is what they will become.” That’s so true. If someone builds you up over and over and over again, you have that to fall back on in hard times.
When you give kids this praise, you’re not trying to be insincere, but focusing on the things that are positive. In our world right now, the biggest thing I want to help my kids have is a perception of themselves that is positive and understanding and kind.
Rachel: So find the little moments throughout your day to do that. Just one little comment can mean so much. For example, my son was outside playing with our dog, and he gave her a stick. He ran around the yard, trying to find a stick, and gave it to her. So I said, “Hey buddy, that was really nice. She really liked that stick.” I could tell that even just a little comment like that meant something. To him, it reinforced that he’s kind and was really nice to his dog.
It’s also important when you’re delivering these comments that you don’t make too big of a deal out of it. It’s not at the level of, “Wow! That was amazing!” Just talk in a neutral voice and point out little wins throughout the day. A sincere, “Hey, I saw you do that. That was really nice.” is all you need.
The same child, without me asking, went to my car and carried all three jugs of milk into the house, because he’s really into being strong right now. I could just tell he felt like a million bucks. He then started to pack lunch boxes for him and his sister. So when we went to Ashlee’s house, knowing that he could hear me, I said to Ashlee, “You won’t believe what Brecken just did. He grabbed three milk gallons, and he packed his own lunch.”
Ashlee: He was absolutely listening, and you could tell it made a big difference for him.
Rachel: If a child feels bad about themselves, like, “I’m a bad kid, and I always act up, and I’m always throwing fits, and I’m always in trouble,” guess what? They’re going to think poorly of themselves, and they’re going to become a kid who always acts out and is in trouble. But they’re not bad. They just want our attention.
Ashlee: I tell you what, I give attention when it’s not great. This is something we’ve been talking about a lot this last month. I’m still working on pausing when their emotions are big. I catch myself often. I need to not feed into big emotions as much as possible because they’re normal. They’re having big emotions. They’re kids. I get to help with regulation. That’s my job.
But right now, my little guy is in a phase where if something doesn’t go his way, he just falls apart. And I can get through three or four of those, and then I’m a little spent. I can tell that’s what I am focusing on then, the fact that I’m on edge. I’m worried he’s going to lose his mind over something, but I don’t know what it is. And then I start feeling guilty because I feel like I want to protect myself and I’m not being there for him, in a way.
Rachel: Words of affirmation have seriously helped. All genders need this, but my boy really appreciates words of affirmation. Little sprinkles of praise mean a lot. If he gets his cup and water by himself without throwing it, without me saying something, I’ll say, “Bud, that was really great. I noticed you. I thought you were so big in how you got that water.” Really just hyper-focusing on the good things that are happening is when I notice a big difference in his emotions.
Ashlee: And because I know Rachel is working on this with him, I’ll do the same thing with him when he’s at our house. I’ll notice little things that he was doing and point that out so he knows his mom isn’t the only adult that sees good things that he does. I’m another adult that sees.
Because we’re in this together. Again, here’s another adult who cares about you. I see these good things that you’re doing. You are so good.
Rachel: They internalize that good. They start telling themselves, “I am a good kid, and I have this and this and this to contribute.” It just changes everything, from thinking that they are a troublemaker and always in trouble to knowing they’re a good kid. To see that they have adults who believe in them. It truly changes their whole trajectory.
Ashlee: Of course, every kid is different. I have two other kids who don’t need that as much. I suppose that comes down to love languages. Maybe they just like to snuggle more. But our boys in particular really are showing huge signs of change in their behavior just simply by these little tokens of gratitude and appreciation and seeing them where they are.
My kids get just as much from snuggling together and watching a funny movie. So, as holiday break is happening, we hope that you’ll be able to soak up your kiddos and this family time. Hopefully Mom and Dad can be together. It doesn’t have to be all day to be really special and memorable. It can just be a couple hours that you have together that’s really purposefulâsetting phones down, turning off electronics and being together loving on your kiddos. You’ll be filled up from the love that they’ll give back.
You don’t need to do motherhood alone. Come join our village, exactly as you are.
Ashlee Hendricks
Real Life Conversations Host
I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.
As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so weâve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that youâll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!
I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.
My husband, John, is a menâs gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.
For my kids, itâs truly the most magical time of the year! For me though, as a mom, itâs also the season of heightened mental load and sensory overload. I feel the weight of planning, coordinating and making sure every moment is brimming with holiday cheer. I want my kids to feel the warm, magical glow of Christmas, but sometimes that magic comes at the expense of my own mental health and ability to enjoy the season.
The Holiday Mental Load for Moms
As moms, we juggle creating holiday magic while managing the everyday grind. My to-do lists are everywhereâon my phone, in my planner, and swirling in my head. With Santa’s arrival approaching, my mental checklist feels endless. This is what researchers call the âmental loadââthe cognitive effort of managing the invisible, ongoing responsibilities of family life. Unlike physical tasks, the mental load involves emotional and intellectual work to keep everything running smoothly. In simple terms, itâs the constant thinking about âwhat needs to be done.â
I wish I had a magic solution to ease the mental load for fellow moms during the holidays, but I donât. Moms are experts at juggling priorities and managing time like pros. Yet, letâs be honestâwe often like things done a certain way, which makes delegating tricky. Add to that the endless tasks we shoulder, and itâs no wonder this season feels overwhelming. Still, even amidst the chaos, itâs worth pausing to appreciate the effort we put into making the holidays magical for our families.
Recognize Your Efforts & Find Connection
Simply acknowledging that the holiday season is exhausting, recognizing that our mental load has increased, and accepting that this is a hard time of year can be empowering for a mom. I find so much comfort in connecting with other moms, swapping stories about the chaos, the laughter and the love in our lives this time of year. Whether itâs sharing something funny our partner did or our need to control all the things, those conversations remind us weâre in this togetherâand thatâs a gift in itself.
Embrace the Power of Movement
I canât wrap this up without sharing what I think is the ultimate tool for managing the holiday mental load: the power of movement. Physical activity wonât shrink your to-do list, but it can make it feel lighter. You donât need an intense gym session (unless thatâs your thing!). Just do something joyfulâa quick dance to your favorite song or a brisk walk around the block. Bonus points if you move with a fellow mom. Sharing laughs and experiences while getting active is like therapy for the soul.
A Message to Fellow Moms
As I finish writing this post at 6 a.m., with my one-year-old resting her head on my hand while refusing to sleep (because why sleep, right?), I just want to say to my fellow moms:
I see you. The mental load is real, and you are not alone. Take a moment to pauseâgrab your favorite drink, breathe and carve out an hour (or two) just for yourself to relax and recharge. The holiday season may be chaotic, but you deserve a little peace amidst the madness!
Cassidy Vineyard Pflanz
Iâm originally from North Platte, NE, and Lincoln has been my home for more than a decade. My husband, Justin, and I have been married for almost ten years. We welcomed our first child, Maxwell, during the pandemic, and our youngest, Zoey, arrived in a much calmer chapter of history.
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Justin and I are both small business ownersâhis in the motorsports industry, and mine as a personal trainer and social media manager. Our flexible schedules have allowed us to prioritize family life. When I have a spare moment, you can find me diving into photography, a good book, a favorite podcast, or the kitchen. Motherhood may not be as glamorous as social media makes it out to beâitâs demanding, exhausting, and often messyâbut I canât wait to share the beautifully messy journey with you!
My name is Cassidy Vineyard Pflanz and Iâm thrilled to join CapitalMOM as your newest blogger. Writing for a community of parents who are as invested in their families as I am is such a wonderful opportunity. Iâm excited to dive in and share my experiences as a mom of two because we all know how reassuring it can be to hear that someone else is navigating similar ups and downs.
I grew up in North Platte, Nebraska where my childhood was filled with soccer and 4-H. Through 4-H, I discovered a love and passion for sewing, which eventually led me to major in fashion design at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.
After graduation, I moved to New York City to work in fashion. As fate would have it, I met my husband, Justin, who also grew up in Nebraska. We met on a street corner of all places! Justin and I were first introduced to each other by my roommate, Hannah. She boldly claimed before we met up with him, âJustin is marriage material.â Turns out she was right. After two years of long-distance dating and a year living in the same city, we were married at Saint Maryâs in downtown Lincoln.
Our Little Ones
As for motherhood, I always imagined Iâd have children, but once my career took off, I started to feel unsure. When I was 34, Justin pointed out, âLook at how many photos you have of our cat and dog on your phone! Youâll be just as obsessed with a baby.â Today, my phone is filled with pictures of our kidsâMax, our pandemic baby born in April 2020 who is now four (going on 13), and Zoey, our one-year-old who came into the world at a much calmer time.
Justin and I are very fortunate to have been small business owners for over a decade as it allows us flexibility as parents. Last year, we discovered the ultimate parenting hackâliving close to grandparents! We moved just nine minutes away from my retired parents, who have truly been lifesavers. Max and Zoey are so fortunate to have not just two, but four active and loving grandparents. Iâm convinced that grandparents make the world go round!
My Professional Life
Professionally, Iâm a personal trainer specializing in working with girls and women at all stages of life. My passion for movement began in New York, where I fell in love with running. Today Iâm grateful to help women find their own joy in fitness. Additionally, I use my master’s degree in marketing to help health and wellness businesses build their brands.
I canât wait to connect with each of you through my stories, lessons and experiences as a mom. Motherhood isnât quite as glamorous as Instagram makes it out to beâitâs demanding, exhausting and often messy. When it feels like motherhood could swallow me whole, a sticky little hand slips into mine and suddenly my heart is full. My little family means everything to me.
Cassidy Vineyard Pflanz
Iâm originally from North Platte, NE, and Lincoln has been my home for more than a decade. My husband, Justin, and I have been married for almost ten years. We welcomed our first child, Maxwell, during the pandemic, and our youngest, Zoey, arrived in a much calmer chapter of history.
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Justin and I are both small business ownersâhis in the motorsports industry, and mine as a personal trainer and social media manager. Our flexible schedules have allowed us to prioritize family life. When I have a spare moment, you can find me diving into photography, a good book, a favorite podcast, or the kitchen. Motherhood may not be as glamorous as social media makes it out to beâitâs demanding, exhausting, and often messyâbut I canât wait to share the beautifully messy journey with you!
For years l’ve written about what my grandkids were up to, into or moving away from. It has always been about how my life has interacted with theirsâthe ups, downs and ‘looking forward to’s. Since this summer, I have stood on the sidelines while my husband has been living the dream by playing golf with our grandson. I used to play golf, but arthritis hampers any swing I can even attempt. So I have sent them on their own as they’ve learned to enjoy the sport together.
Standing on the Sidelines
At first, John didn’t say much as he knew I wanted to be out there with them. Once, I did ask if I could just ride in the cart, and I quickly learned that even when you don’t play, it costs money to watch others play. I’m too tight with my spending, so l declined. It was about the same time when I realized I don’t have to be the only grandparent involved in the fun activities. I’m still working on it, but I do understand and enjoy it vicariously. It’s definitely a work in progress.
Our grandson never played golf in high school. Basketball and baseball were his sports. It was fun to learn he was taking it up while he was in college. He played a bit last year, but really started to hit the links this year. He played with his roommates and sometimes even chose to play the city courses by himself. Then, Grandpa asked him if he could join in on the fun. There was no hesitancy, and soon Grandpa and his grandson were playing weekly.
Golfing Together
After my weekly inquiries, I learned about their games and could create visuals in my head. I soon learned my grandson and husband played from different tee boxes: regular men’s tees and senior tees. Evidently, our grandson could hit the lights out of the ball, which hopefully went in the direction of the green. Grandpa had a better short game, so usually their scores were relatively close. As the summer progressed, our grandson’s short game improved, while Grandpa’s long game was still in need of many, many yards.
Finding New Sports to Play
Each time they play golf together, they have a great time with lots of laughter and jokes (hopefully, none about me!). For Grandpa, it’s a dream come true. After our grandson was born, my husband had a needed surgery on his rotator cuff. His goal was to get better and be able to toss the ball with his grandson. They enjoyed each other then, and after a hiatus, they are back enjoying yet another sport together. My husband is thrilled and determined to keep it up.
Keeping Up the Tradition
I know John’s goal is to work hard and continue this new tradition with his only grandson. Perhaps I’ll suggest going South in the winter and add a bit of bribery. It always worksâat least it has so far!
I have four grandchildren ages 14-17. In some ways, Iâm a very typical grandma, always proud of everything the kids do and wanting to help support them in whatever way I can. In other ways, Iâm not very typical. My goal as a blogger is to share my thoughts and experiences that I think are funny and meaningful as I adventure through grandmahood.
At this moment, Iâm sitting in front of our rental cabin at Chadron State Park. Itâs a beautiful day, the sun is shining and there is a nice breeze which is keeping the heat away. We came on this 10-day vacation to get away. Weâll spend a couple of days in Chadron, a couple in Custard State Park, and then to Silverthorne, Colorado. Weâve taken our e-bikes and plan to do a little biking at each stop.
Just because weâre getting away does not mean I want to get away from my grandkids. OK, they are always away, but my normal, and sometimes timely emails and calls are not normal while weâre traveling. It made me think of the many different ways Iâve communicated with them over the years.
During COVID, everyone was either in high school or an out-of-state university. During those years, we zoomed a lot. Everyone had free time on Sunday afternoons and I took advantage of my ability to see everyone at the same time. It also seemed to work for their schedule as we met every week, there were times not all four of the grandkids were able to join, but usually they all were there. I had the time of my life. Grandkids, not COVID!
Slowly but surely, they started to graduate from college, one by one. Our zoom calls were smaller as there were times they needed to work. I had expected this but didnât immediately realize the direct effect it would have on me. I refused to pout or complain, although I felt like it, but didnât share my feelings. I put my thinking cap on and went to work.
Finding New Ways to Connect
There were times I let them know I was going to FaceTime them all at the same time. It worked once or twice, but the randomness of my invitations didnât work out very well. They were all getting set in their structure of work, play and friends, none of it coinciding with each other. This wasnât getting me very far.
The next plan I came up with was to FaceTime them individually. That worked pretty well for me, but I frequently received a text saying it wasn’t convenient for them. Donât get me wrong, I never felt like they were trying to avoid me, but I still wanted to get my way. I didnât want to pout, although I may have privately.
My next plan was to ask the three granddaughters who live in Kansas City what day they have in common that is free. We found one! It was a Saturday night earlier this month. Yippee. John and I packed our bags and we took the three granddaughters out to eat. Two and a half hours of pure joy for both my husband and me. Making trips to KC isnât something we can do on the fly, but it was a resolution that worked.
Our grandson Iâm able to see more frequently. However, that also comes with its challenges. Heâs worked full time while going to UNL so his time is limited. Next fall, heâs adding an internship in Omaha. Good for him.
Letting Go & Passing the Torch
Iâm now realizing there was a time when I got my way, but I need to pass the torch to them on their own timeline. Whether itâs one at a time, or all four, Iâll continue to work on making it happen!
I have four grandchildren ages 14-17. In some ways, Iâm a very typical grandma, always proud of everything the kids do and wanting to help support them in whatever way I can. In other ways, Iâm not very typical. My goal as a blogger is to share my thoughts and experiences that I think are funny and meaningful as I adventure through grandmahood.
But first, let’s go ahead and start with our glimmer and our dimmer.
Rachel’s July Glimmer
My glimmer this month is my daughter Finley. She’s learning to talk and she turns two in a week. We had just got done with the 4th of July. My kids do gymnastics because my husband coaches gymnastics, so we’re at the gym a lot. My daughter Finley doesn’t take class but was wearing an American flag leotard, because any time her older sister wears a leotard, she wants to put on a leotard.
So she walked into the gym, and this other mom was sitting there and said, “Look at you. You’re so patriotic.” And she looks at the mom and says, “I’m not patriotic. I’m Finley.” It was just so cute because kids take everything so literally. It was just a little glimmer and I’ll never forget what she said. Her speaking is just so cute right now, and I cannot get enough of it.
Ashlee’s July Glimmer
We both had glimmers this time around. We do a little 3rd of July thing with some friends. For the past couple of years, I feel like there’s been something that’s not gone quite right. Like, one time a firework tipped over. We resolved that and now have bricks around everything. And then we had one where we had this blowup. And then oddly enough, someone broke their arm. And we were like, oh my gosh, how does this keep happening? This year’s has come and gone, and no injuries or blowing up of anything. That is a win. Woohoo! My curse has been broken.
Then my half is that we’ve had a lot of family rolling into our home, which has been amazing. But also I’m feeling that struggle of keeping up on my household stuff. And I talked to Rachel the day before, and she was like, “How about Finley and I come over and help you clean tomorrow morning?” I was just like, “That sounds really great.” I was not feeling motivated to clean. I was not feeling motivated to do much of that. So then she shows up with a coffee, and we clean and chat. It was really good. And my windows – guys, you have probably seen gross windows, but nothing like these windows of mine and nothing like the table and underneath the table. Oh my gosh. She cleaned that and I will forever love her for it. I have been admiring the view from my windows the past two days, realizing just how good they look. That’s a glimmer of good friends and a sweet offer that made my whole day.
A Tribute to Summer Memories
When this airs, it’s going to be back-to-school time. Summer’s ending, and in the middle of summer, sometimes we’re in the moment of the emotions. We’re home altogether, which we talked about in one of our last episodes. But we both realize that sometimes at the end of the day, if you pause and you look back over your pictures of the day, I’m like, oh my gosh, everybody’s tired. Everybody’s exhausted. And so the kids are probably saying things like, “You never snuggle me” or “You never spend time with me” or things like that, where you’re like, we just spent all day together.
But it does get in your head where you think, maybe we didn’t. And then you pull out your phone or your computer, and you look back, and you’re like, it was a really good day. All these smiles and bright faces. And yes, there are hard moments, but the overall picture was wonderful.
Being Able to Capture Moments
I’m feeling really grateful for the ease of being able to take pictures and have those memories and how beautiful that is. And Rachel does a really good job of saving those and creating them into reels and things that our kids can look back on and feel so much joy from. So anyway, she’s going to give me a tutorial one day on how to do that. We actually talked about that, like maybe we need to have a little retreat. We will get a hotel and I’m going to teach you how to preserve memories in a fun way.
I saw something somewhere that said when we grew up, we might have like 20 pictures from 1992. And now we have like 80 pictures from this morning. So we’re so lucky to have such like such a detailed view of their childhood. We are the keepers of that and keeping it organized and accessible.
Ashlee’s Favorite Summer Experiences
I was going to share briefly some of the things that I’ve loved about our summer so far. One of them is that we ended up on a great little trip down to my mom’s, which was phenomenal.
It was so good to see her. We picked blueberries at my cousin’s house on their farm. Then we went to another friend’s farm where they had lambs and we got to hold them. Then we got to watch a mother birth two twin lambs. And it was magic. And then the fireflies came up afterward. You can’t even make this stuff up. It was just so amazing. It was beautiful and peaceful out there on their farm. I don’t know if all that just inspired us, but on our way home, we picked up some baby chicks a couple of hours from our house.
My kids held our baby chicks all the way home. We have a friend who is willing to take them when we can no longer care for them, but they spark so much joy. Levi tends to be naked in our backyard because that’s his happy place. Nake Levi chasing the chicks, I didn’t even know how much I needed that in my life.
There’s also been lots of fun time in the pool and other things. But, I feel like those are just a couple of our highlights that just keep on giving and have slowed us down even tooâespecially the chicksâjust slowed us down to just appreciate these moments.
Rachel’s Favorite Summer Experiences
We just got back from a trip to the beach in North Carolina. We were visiting John’s parents, who bought a beach house there about a year and a half ago. And this is our first time going out there, and it was so great.
I think my favorite memory from the trip is my son, Brecken. Throughout the trip, probably at least five times in the car, we would be leaving the beach and driving back to the house. And he would be like, “Mommy, why didn’t you choose to live here? Why did you choose to live in Nebraska?” And I’m like, “That’s a great question, buddy.” I could see his little wheels turning. Like, they have the ocean and they have a pool. And the only thing he said was, “But we do have a zoo splash pad.”
My girls do the same thing to us when we get back. We used to live in South Carolina. When we go visit, they’re like, what are we doing? You have to follow where you have to go sometimes.
How to Get Ready for Back to School
It has been a really good summer, but like it or not, school is coming back. I think for some moms, that is a huge relief. And for others, it’s a tinge of sadness because summer goes so fast. And it kind of depends sometimes on phases too, I think. It’s been a better summer with all of my kiddos. We’ve enjoyed that time altogether more.
Rachel’s Bedtime & Morning Routines
We make sure we get our kids to bed at a reasonable hour. And again, we know that that’s hard when the sun is up, but get those curtains closed and the routine going.
As far as morningâthis is for different seasons of life. I was sleeping until my newborn woke up and probably until she was about one. But then you come back to life again a little bit. And at that point, I felt like I could set an alarm, and get up and get the day going. That helps tremendously just to come downstairs and do a few essentials before the kids come downstairs. For me, that’s unloading the dishwasher, putting things away, throwing in a load of laundry, filling water bottles, and making breakfast.
If all of those things are done before the kids come down, I’m not a stressed-out mom trying to do all of these things while also having a little bit of time with my kids before they leave.
Ashlee’s Bedtime & Morning Routines
I feel like I used to be a morning mom and then I dealt with a little bit of postpartum depression stuff. I had a lot of hard stuff with my dad this last year and I went to my primary care and got help, something to kind of just boost me through this time when I’m still very needed at home, but also kind of wanting to grieve.
I have to try to gauge what I am able to do in the morning. I have been trying to utilize that time to rest a little bit more, but I’m hoping to adjust back to this because I have had the best success with that as well, starting on my own terms. Because when Levi wakes up, he’s kind of grump at first. I don’t know if it’s low blood sugar, and if that’s what I wake up to, that is really hard. Then there’s two of us that are grumpy, and I’m not helping him work through his. I’m not able to stay calm.
Avoid Rushing
It helps to not rush too. If you don’t feel rushed with the kids, then they don’t go out the door rushed. I never feel great when I’m scrambling, and then my kids can sense that too. And so like, trying to avoid that rush means giving yourself enough time, whatever that is, to get up, even if it means waking your kids up when you’re like, oh, they’re still sleeping.
Pack Lunches the Night Before
One of our other favorite things is packing lunches the night before. If I’m trying to do lunches and feed them breakfast in the morning, I realize that I’m grumpy, and it’s too much. And your kids can even help the night before too. I’ve noticed since mine are a little older that they can tell me what they want in their lunch. They love that.
I do feel like halfway through the year, my kids forget that home lunch is actually an option because we lose our steam. The beginning of the year, we’re like super moms packing amazing, healthy lunches. Then by the end, they are like “Mom, I need more lunch money on my card.” And I’m like, “Ok, yeah, you do.” The winter blues set in and hot lunch it is.
Set Expectations for Activities
With back to school comes back to activities. Yes, there are summer camps, but the regular weekly activities begin again, typically. It’s important to have conversations with each of our kids about what is important to them, and what their goals are.
How many nights a week do they want to be busy? How many nights a week do we want them gone? How many nights a week do we want them home? And I think it’s important to preserve childhood as well, because if we have activities every single night, when do they get to play? When do they get to be a kid?
They’re sitting at desks most of the day at school, and they need that time. Also knowing that there are only so many parents to go around to do drop-offs and pickups. We don’t want to just become a taxi service. We want to be parents. I think having that open conversation with your kids and spouses is important. It takes a village to do it all and make sure it’s something that everybody can manage.
Find Time to Connect as a Family
Finding time to connect is going to be different than it is through the summer months. There might be a day when we have school, and then we have to rush to gymnastics or whatever the sporting event is. And your time with your kids is that car time. And you know that going into it. I get these 20 minutes and recognize that that’s the situation and being ready. This is my time. I cannot wait to connect with my kids on this car ride. I’m going to focus on this moment because that’s so important to find moments of connection throughout the day. When you don’t have a lot of time, you have to value what you have and make it impactful. Even if it’s a small amount of time, if it’s purposeful, it has the same effect. Our kids feel seen and loved. We need moments like that each day to fill us.
Ask Specific Questions
When we do pick up our kids from school and we ask them about their day, I feel like we can easily ask the generic question, “How was your day?” But then you’re kind of stuck. Try to find questions that kids can answer, because when you ask about a kid’s whole day, a lot of times the last thing they did is what’s on their mind. What happened in the morning is long gone.
If you ask specific questions like, “Who did you sit with at lunch today?” or “What’s something that your teacher said that made you laugh?” Specific questions that have an answer that isn’t just good, are very helpful in connecting and getting deeper. That’s another way to learn more about what’s going on in your kids’ lives because they’re gone for so long. We don’t always know what’s going on.
Make Nighttime Purposeful
At bedtime, try to make it purposeful and connect as much as possible. That’s the last thing they’re feeling before they go to bed and are ready to start the next day. I think creating that safe space in our home for them that if something’s happening at school, they feel like there’s a moment in the day to talk to us and that we want to hear. That’s invaluable to create that for them and ultimately what we want.
That time is usually when it’s quiet and calm. When there’s chaos in your home, it’s not going to be a time when they’re like, “Mom, I really need to tell you something.” But if they know that there’s going to be a moment where I’ll have Mom’s full attention for five minutes, whatever, then we can talk during that time.
Tips for Starting Kindergarten
If you have someone who’s starting kindergarten, please know that you’ll get through it. We’ve been there, and you feel all the feels. But you’ll get through it and it’s going to be great. It’s such a growing year, and that makes our mama hearts happy to know that they’re somewhere where they have great friends and great teachers. And I feel like LPS is a wonderful school district.
Thanks for tuning in. We appreciate you and hope that you found some valuable stuff from this, too. You don’t need to do motherhood alone. Come join our village. Exactly as you are.
Ashlee Hendricks
I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.
As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so we’ve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that you’ll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!
I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives. My husband, John, is a men’s gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.
A funny thing happened to two grandmas on the way to the Berlin Wall. This sounds like itâs the first line of a joke. Well, itâs not a joke, but there were many funny times.
A Sister’s Invitation to Europe
Early last fall, my sister asked me if I would be able to travel with her to Europe. I was intrigued and asked her for more information. My sister is five years older than I am and lives in Omaha. We see each other at least once a month.
She lost her husband two years ago after a long and difficult illness. She has four grandchildren and five step-grandchildren. She has more grandma duties and a much more diverse experience than I have had with my four grandkids.
Two Grandmas on the Go
When she asked me about traveling with her, I realized she was finally ready to go to Europe with someone other than her husband. My sister has always been healthy and a great traveler, but she hadnât done much traveling over the past five years. I was honored and thrilled at her invitation.
We giggled about the idea of two unescorted grandmas traveling such a long distance together. What could go wrong? Although I didnât need my husbandâs permission, I still asked. Before long, my sister and I were off to planning our spring trip.
Genealogy Dream Trip
Since she hadnât traveled in years, I gave her free rein on her hopes and dreams for the trip. We met several times to discuss the details. Mostly, she wanted to be on a river boat cruise and travel in Germany down the Elbe River to Prague. It sounded like she had been thinking about this trip for some time.
She admitted she picked this destination because one set of our grandparents came from Germany and the other set originated in Czechoslovakia. My sister has done a great deal of genealogy work, and she wanted to experience those places our grandparents may have seen.
We agreed on specific dates, the river boat cruise line and additional destinations we wanted to add to our travel plans. We were set. There was only one thing left to do.
Breaking the News to the Grandkids
We needed to tell our grandkids. My sister and I had a great time sharing the questions our grandkids had for us. “Why?” was what they most frequently asked. We told them we were curious about where our grandparents came from, what the land was like and the politics of the past and present. I think it was difficult for all thirteen of them to understand because all of their grandparents lived in the same town they did. Funny thing is, now our grandkids are moving out of Nebraska.
I have four grandchildren ages 14-17. In some ways, Iâm a very typical grandma, always proud of everything the kids do and wanting to help support them in whatever way I can. In other ways, Iâm not very typical. My goal as a blogger is to share my thoughts and experiences that I think are funny and meaningful as I adventure through grandmahood.
So we’re going to start with our dimmer first. A joint dimmer. It probably seems like we talk about this a lot, but this was too good not to talk about.
Our families met up for a little dinner playdate, and the kids were all playing so nicely together. But there was a point where I thought, “Things are a little too quiet.” So I went downstairs looking for the kids. I heard their voices in the distance. I went into the guest bedroom downstairs and looked through the window. In the window well, they’d created a little home for themselves and they had a bag of Cheetos and our boys’ shirts were off. They were truly living their best lives.
I captured that cute moment on my phone of the kids playing together outside and was showing Ashlee, talking about how well they were doing on their own. It made us remember how excited we were when we both had Levi and Brecken because we knew that they were going to be best friends. Sure, it took a long time for Levi to warm up, but we’ve finally hit that point. It only took three years, but they are like brothers now.
Not five minutes later, the dads come running around the corner, holding naked children and saying, “Poop! There’s poop! We need some help! We’re calling in backup!” Rachel’s two-year-old daughter had smeared it all over her body, and when John first grabbed her, he said, “I don’t know if it’s poop or mud.” But there was no question in our minds what it was.
But we’d just checked on them! And they were fine then! But somehow, only a few minutes later, they’d stripped down naked and all taken turns. Needless to say, we all got to know Rachel’s bathtub really well that night.
How to Build Sibling Relationships in the Summer
So as you know, if you’ve been following us, we each have three kids. Ashlee has two kids in school, and Rachel has one kid in school.
This time of year, we’re getting the family back together for the summer and things shift. It’s not the same. It’s not the same amount of structure, not the same amount of activities and a lot more home time together. Sometimes, that feels exciting, and other times it feels a little overwhelming. We find ourselves thinking, “How are we going to navigate this? What is this going to look like?” So we put together a list of some things that we think help foster sibling relationships.
Give Everyone Grace
Realize that it might take time to get back in the swing of things because we’ve had so much schedule and structure around waking up, eating breakfast and getting out the door. But that is going away. Our kids are going to have a lot more free time and a lot more time to be bored.
So just give them and yourselves grace through that transition. At first, there might be more arguing, more complaining and more boredom. Remind your kids that there’s a whole world out there, and they have the opportunity to think creatively and fill that time however they want. It’s not your job as a mom to entertain them always.
Allow Alone Time
Our oldest children are very similar. They need time to step away from others, take a break and recharge solo. We let them read, draw, or just spend quiet time with themselves. Our middle children, on the other hand, really struggle with being alone. They want us to entertain them when our other children are napping, at school or need that alone time.
Sometimes, our middle children don’t understand that their siblings don’t want to play 24/7. So, as parents, just recognize that every kid is different, and if somebody needs a break, we don’t have to suddenly go home, but still give them space to step away for a bit. Also be so happy for your extroverted kids that one day they’re going to have their people, and they’re going to get their cups filled every single day by being around others.
Set the Tone
Rachel was an only child growing up, and she didn’t have any idea what she was missing. People always ask, “Weren’t you so bored?” I wasn’t. I had a great childhood. But watching my kids, I now realize what a gift it is that they have each otherâthese built-in best friends.
And if you foster this relationship, it really can be special. They don’t have to be fighting all the time. I do believe that, as parents, we set the tone for our home and the way that the kids treat each other. If we’re treating our kids with respect and love, they can be really good friends.
Now, that doesn’t mean that there won’t be moments. There will always be moments, every single day. That’s just life.
Let Them Be
In moments like that, the other part is to teach them to work through things on their own. If the kids are playing and they’re disagreeing, try not to interject yourself as a parent when you don’t need to.
When they’re playing nicely, it’s easy to let them be. But it’s when they start to squabble a little bit that makes me want to jump in right away. But I’ve seen my kids work through it without my help. In any relationship, I think, when you have a fight and you work through it, that builds trust and that strengthens your relationship because it helps you realize that you can have a disagreement and still love each other. You’ll still come back together eventually. By not stepping in too soon, you’re allowing your kids to build their communication skills together.
Jump In With Curiosity
But what if you do need to step in to break up an argument between your kids? Make sure not to pick sides. Jump in with curiosity, like “Hey, can you tell me more about what happened?” or “I want to hear what happened from each of you.” Oftentimes, just them stating their perspective is all that needs said. Then, you can validate the way they felt with phrases like “I could see why you felt that way.” And finally ask, “How can we work on it together?”
Create Friendly Competitions
Instead of doing kid versus kid, because that pits them against each other, find ways to put them on the same team. We like to do kids versus parents. We’ll make up races for bedtime routines, like who can get their jammies on first or brush their teeth fastest. Our favorite is the bad breath monster, where one of us pretends to be a monster that loves the smell of stinky breath. All of our kids will rush to brush their teeth so the monster doesn’t get them. They’ll close us out of the bathroom and laugh together. Anything fun motivates our families.
That way, they’re on a team and working together toward a common goal. We want them to be rooting each other on, as opposed to fighting with each other.
It’s just a great whole family bonding experience, which is exactly what summer is for. You have more time together, so enjoy it in a low-pressure way. You don’t have to get up so early in the morning, which means you have more time to make routines fun, instead of feeling like you have to get your kids to bed because everyone has to be up at a certain time.
Plan Family Meetings
We don’t always do this, but it’s something we both would love to startâmeeting once a week and talking about what the week is going to look like.
What’s on our schedule?
Who has what camp?
What time do kids need picked up?
What are we going to have for dinner?
Are we having people over?
Who’s sport is happening this week?
How are we going to support our family in their activities?
Be Supportive at Sporting Events
Sometimes sports are long, especially with a three-year-old who is ready to go five minutes in. But for your older kids, I think it’s important to cheer on their siblings. I always ask my kids, “How could we make your brother or sister feel like a million bucks?” Emphasize that they’ll get their turn someday too by saying something like, “When it’s your time to do your sport, your brother or sister will be right there rooting for you!”
Ashlee’s oldest had a big team commitment this year, which made it feel like a whole family commitment. Anna, her middle child, wasn’t involved in much, which really fit her personality. She’s very curious and can make anything out of nothing, really. Even though she wasn’t involved in many activities, she was still so supportive of her older sister. It was really amazing to see. She set the tone for her siblings cheering on our family. And it’s such a special gift to not be envious or disinterested of someone’s passion. She truly was so happy for her sister doing something big. I’m beyond grateful for her and for how she handled that this year. I’m so proud of her. It’s a big deal.
Eat Family Meals
Anytime that you can be together as a family unit, make it happen. An easy way to do that is eating more meals together now that some of your commitments have slowed down. We just had a family meal the other day that lasted like 40 minutes. John and I were laughing so hard during the chaos. We were calming down potty words every five seconds, breaking into song while eating, standing on chairs and having so much happy chatter.
What was said at dinner doesn’t matter much. It’s the significant feeling of cheerfulness, happiness and contentedness that will stick with my kids. It was one of those moments where I looked at my family and thoughts, “Wow, this is our life. How amazing is this?”
Dinnertime is my chance to be with my kids, sitting down and looking at each other, to notice how wonderful life really is with them.
Set Aside 1on1 Time
I don’t know how I’m going to do this quite yet, but I’d like to try to do a little bit of independent, one-on-one time with each kid each day. Even if it’s ten minutes of playing their favorite game with them and having my other two kids play with each other during that time, knowing that they’re going to get their time with me.
It’s hard when everybody’s all together to still get any individual time. And if one sibling gravitate to one sibling, it would encourage them to play with the other sibling they don’t usually gravitate towards for a little while.
Rachel signed her son, Brecken, up for preschool two days a week through the summer, but really debated if she should do it. Because it wasn’t really needed. I’m home. But then I started to think my oldest daughter, Ellie, who hasn’t had any one-on-one time with me since before Brecken was born. That’s why we decided that it would be a good thing to have afternoons for one-on-one time with Ellie while Finley naps and Brecken is at school. Other than bedtime when I read to her, she hasn’t had my full attention in so long.
Now, she’ll get intentional time with me. I know that’s not everybody’s situation, where you have that option. If that’s the case of you, finding pockets of time (only five or ten minutes or so) to give your child your undivided attention is key.
Our girls actually called us out for that the other day. Fridays are family movie nights in our house. John and I had gotten to the point where we didn’t even realize it, but they were watching the same shows over or shows that we became disinterested and gradually started having just the kids watch the show. But not too long ago, they said, “Hey, this is supposed to be a family movie night. You and dad need to be there.” That showed us how important it was to them, which I didn’t realize. So John and I got down at their level and said, “You know what? You’re right. We will make sure that it is a priority and that we are there with you.” With that promise, we did make sure that we’re going to keep variety in the shows too. We’re not going to just watch cartoons. We’re going to sometimes watch educational or inspirational shows, like Planet Earth.
Build Up in Public
The last thing I wanted to say is that we have little ears always listening to us, especially at these younger ages when I think parents are a kid’s biggest role model and impact on their lives most. When you get into those teenage years, maybe the peers have more influence than parents.But at this stage with the ages of our kids, we have a huge influence on their thoughts and their feelings on the people around them, the things around them and how they process the world.
So, if we’re saying negative things about their siblings in front of them, they are hearing that and they are internalizing that. Even if they don’t realize it, it is impacting the way that they may treat their brother or sister. So just really try your hardest, even if you’re so frustrated with one of your kids, to not say that in front of another child. Save it for after they’re in bed. Take a moment away from the kids to vent to your husband or let it out in another way. But build up your kids, as opposed to tearing them down.
An example is my youngest daughter, Finley, loves to sing. Every time she sings, I say, “Finley, you are such a good singer.” One day, my daughter Ellie was singing, and Finley looked at her and she goes, “Ellie, you’re a good singer.” I can tell that she hears me, and she knew that was a nice thing to say to her sister. She wanted to build her sister up.
There are always two ways of saying something. Find a positive spin on a negative situation. I’ve noticed that with my son, Levi. When he’s crying, I try to remember that he’s three and doesn’t know how to work through emotions yet. He won’t always feel these emotions this big. For now, we need to be his safe place and normalize to our other kids that you have hard times when you’re little, instead of telling him, “Stop crying” or “What is wrong with you?” or “Why won’t you stop?” Because my kids are going to hear that and think, “Yeah, what is wrong with Levi?” Nothing. He’s normal. He’s three. He’s having a hard time.
To keeping things positive between siblings, parents have to model it themselves. Anyway, we just wish you all luck as you move into your summers. We know you’re doing a great job. Have fun!
Ashlee Hendricks
Real Life Conversations Host
I am a mom to three awesome kids: Ellie, Anna, and Levi. My husband Jon works as a professor at the UNL Business College. While we are not natives to Lincoln (this year marks five years in Nebraska), I did grow up on a dairy farm in southwest Missouri and feel quite at home here. I work as a full-time mom and a part-time nurse at a clinic here in town.
As a family, we are happiest outside and having adventures. We lived in South Carolina before moving here so weâve had to toughen up quite a bit! We love biking, camping and anything involving water. I have been supported and inspired by so many amazing women and men along my parenting journey. Rachel and I have talked a lot about our shortcomings and wins as moms. I hope as we share some of our story that youâll find some relatable information that can nurture and inspire you wherever you are on your journey as a parent. We are all in this together!
Rachel Robinson
Real Life Conversations Host
I was born and raised in Lincoln. I am a stay-at-home-mom to three amazing kids named Ellie, Brecken, and Finley. I worked as a PE teacher at Scott Middle School for 8.5 years and turned into a SAHM when my second kiddo was born. I love being home with my kids. It is so fulfilling to me to be home with them through each stage, to care for them and to be a part of the little details and the big moments in their lives.
My husband, John, is a menâs gymnastics coach at the University of Nebraska. Our kids love to go to the gym and play. We love that they now have a relationship with the college athletes. It is really fun. Go Big Red! I am very excited to be chatting about things motherhood here on CapitalMom. I hope you enjoy and are able to relate as we share our motherhood journeys.
3,591,328âthe number of babies born in the U.S. in 2023. Wow! Thatâs a lot of homes adding a new family member. And what about the 1 in 25 U.S. families who have at least one adopted child? Or the six million U.S. households that have more than three generations living under one roof? How about the 203,770 children that entered foster care in 2021?
Adding a new member to your family can be challenging for everyone. A smooth transition begins with open and honest communication. If you or someone you know is preparing to add a child to their family, here are a few tips to prepare the whole family for the changes.
Start the conversation early. Be open and honest while being age-appropriate.
Spend individual time with each child and try to continue things you did with them before the addition, i.e. watching movies, reading, etc.
For older children, consider writing encouraging notes, or getting them a card or a little gift.
Model healthy expression of feelings such as, âIâm feeling overwhelmed right now. Letâs take a break.â This normalizes a healthy response and feeling big emotions.
Communicate the need for safety (physical and emotional) of the new family member.
Teach children that crying is one way babies communicate.
Normalize that it may be âannoyingâ or âloud”, but remind them that we all cried when we were babies too! Or give an example, âRemember when you fell and scraped your knee and cried? What happened? You cried and I came to see if you were okay, and we put a band-aid on it. Your crying got you the help and comfort you needed.â
Build on each family memberâs strengths. For example, if your youngest daughter is great at organizing, have her help organize things in the home ahead of her siblingâs arrival.
Encourage family and friends to give all children equal attention. This will avoid current family members feeling forgotten when the new family member is in the home.
Preparing Young Children
Infancy to Age Two
Young children, infancy to around age two, donât fully comprehend the addition of a new family member, so simple things may help them adjust.
Be positive and talk about the baby or new family member in a positive way.
Kids are very smart and will seek to emulate your behavior and attitude. If youâre positive, they will feel positive.
Look at and read books about babies or changing family dynamics.
Do something special when the baby arrives. I still remember getting a âBig Sisterâ pin at Bryan when my little brother was born.
Toddlers
The toddler age can be a territorial age for children as they feel strongly connected with caregivers.
Relate things to a TV show, movie or book they love.
âPracticeâ for a new baby by getting a doll and showing them how to handle it as if it were a real baby.
Involve them in preparing.
Work on routines that will help everyone. For example, toilet training, moving from a crib to a bed, reinforcing or making adjustments to sleep schedules.
Let them spend âspecial timeâ with someone important to them ahead of the new memberâs arrival.
School-Age Children
School-age children tend to be a bit easier in preparing for a new family member but still need reassurance and help adjusting. Remember to keep open communication and encourage questions and curiosity.
Explain whatâs going to happen in a way they understand, including the âgoodâ and âbad”.
Let them help prepare for the arrival.
Practice with a baby doll, or if you have a close family member/friend with an actual baby.
Provide positive reinforcement for them by saying things such as âYouâre such a great big brother/sister.â or âI can tell you really care about ______.â or âYouâre such a great helper!â
Let them come to the hospital as soon as possible after the baby is born so they continue to feel like a part of the growing family.
Managing Regression
Children may experience regression, âchildishâ behaviors, from time to time during this process of adding a new family member. For example, wanting to drink out of a bottle again, bed wetting or having accidents, or using a âbabyâ voice. When children regress, remember itâs normal and thereâs nothing wrong with your child.
Here are a few facts and helpful tips to manage regression:
Childrenâs brains arenât fully developed yet, so regression is a way they feel loved and cared for.
Attention is ATTENTION to a childâs brain. Even when a child âacts up,â they are getting attention which reinforces the idea that someone cares. They donât understand the depth of what or why they are acting this way, but this is how they are communicating their need for love, affection and reassurance.
Regression typically resolves on its own, but if not, use resources to help.
Use books, friends, family, religious or cultural support, medical professionals and counselors.
Reinforce the positives. Even the smallest positives help build reassurance that they are loved and their needs will be taken care of.
Try to increase individual time with the child thatâs struggling or be creative in finding ways to include them.
Support Each Other
There are no perfect ways to handle changing family dynamics, but these tips and tricks may make the transition smoother for everyone. Children are innately curious and thrive off love and affection. There is no right or wrong way to adjust your family dynamics as long as supporting each other with open communication and honesty is at the root.
There will be tough times, so give yourself grace. As your family grows, you all may experience some âgrowing pains”. When you seek to understand and support each other, youâll all grow together.
Cassie Finkner, MA, LIMHP
Mental Health and Substance Abuse Counselor, Bryan Counseling Center
Cassie provides individual therapy to adolescents and adults. She specializes in trauma, including PTSD, major mental illness, suicidality, substance use, depression and anxiety. Cassie has been specifically trained in Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Motivational Interviewing (MI), however, utilizes a variety of different treatment modalities based upon the individuals needs to meet their treatment goals. Additional experience includes working with people encountering housing instability, poverty and trauma related to military experiences, including deployments and crisis intervention.
One of the things I miss about having three of our four grandkids in Kansas City is knowing what they’re doing and what they’re thinking. I donât expect to be informed about everything or even know what they had for lunch. I donât even remember what I had for lunch! But now, I usually just hear about the big events in their lives, and it’s often given to me after the fact through their moms.
Missing the Little Things
When they lived in Lincoln and I heard about an event a little late, I could always squeeze in a trip to cheer them on or run over to their homes to give them a hug.
But then I started thinking, “Was this grandma pouting? Was this grandma being a spoiled brat?” I stopped and realized I wasnât their mom. Iâm not the most important person in their life. My grandkids were sharing things with their moms and that is whatâs important and how it should be.
Keeping the Lines Open
This got me thinking, “How did I keep my grandmothers in the loop? How good was I at keeping open the lines of communication?” I realized I didnât communicate every day with my grandmothers. I didnât avoid talking to them; I just thought I was too busy with my activities, and I always knew my mother would keep them informed. At least I assumed she would.
As I reflected on my granddaughterâs early years, I realized that my grandkids kept me up-to-date more than I ever did with my own grandmas. Yes, the shame began to creep in!
Communication Then vs. Now
Communicating is also very different today than back in the good ole days. Today, I may text my grandkids to share news or whatâs going on in my life. They donât always respond, but they usually reply with a heart or a thumbs up.
There was no social media when I was growing up. The only thing that came close to social media was having the one family phone on a party line with your neighbors. You could hear what your neighbors were talking about, but you really couldnât listen for long because the neighbors could hear the clicks of someone picking up or hanging up the phone. Social media back in my day was talking to friends face-to-face.
Remembering My Grandmothers
Recently, I find myself thinking about my grandparents a lot. Last year for Christmas, my daughter got me a Storyworth book. Each week we were assigned to respond to a specific question. At the end of the year, the stories were printed and bound together. The title of the book is called, âNancy Becker, A Collection of Life Stories.â
This gift was a wonderful reminder of how I need to remember my grandparents. Several of the assignments were prompts like “How did your grandparents earn money?” or “Do you have any particularly vivid memories of your grandparents?”
Iâve also thought a great deal about my grandmas as I look around our house. I have a bureau, a pool table, a pie pantry and other pieces of furniture which I love and dust every week. I wonder what Iâll do with these pieces that my grandkids don’t want. Iâm not going to worry about itâthatâs for sure!
As we grow older, role reversals can be difficult. Iâve learned to roll with the punches and embrace the change and keep in my lane.
I have four grandchildren ages 14-17. In some ways, Iâm a very typical grandma, always proud of everything the kids do and wanting to help support them in whatever way I can. In other ways, Iâm not very typical. My goal as a blogger is to share my thoughts and experiences that I think are funny and meaningful as I adventure through grandmahood.
