My Child’s Friend
I remember when I was growing up and my mom didnât love me spending time with one of the girls in our neighborhood. She didnât forbid me from being with her but didnât encourage our get-togethers, either.
Eventually, I realized this friend wasnât the right fit for me for several reasons, and the relationship fizzled. Years later, I wondered: How did my mom know?
Questioning Friendships
Recently, my son had a friend over. This friend was not very nice to my daughter and his attitude towards me made me question my feelings towards him. Granted it was a mild irritation. I found this friend annoying because heâs loud, destructive and the fact that heâs obviously never been taught to say please or thank you. It also made me worry that this friend may be a bad influence on Cohen.
A friend of mine recently said, âAs long as my kids live in my house, I choose their friends.â And I donât disagree. What Iâm saying is this: There are a couple of things that a parent should and shouldnât do when it comes to a childâs friends.
I choose not to verbally tell Cohen my feelings about his friend. I did not forbid him from hanging out with that friend. If I would say this out loud, Cohen is likely to blab, announcing publicly, âMy parents say Iâm not allowed to play with you!â This would make me seem mean and could cause conflict with the other childâs parents. Itâs also possible that forbidding the friendship could make that friend seem more attractive to Cohen.
Forbidding Cohen seems a little bit overstepping. Unless he is in immediate, physical danger, trying to dictate who he can or canât be friends with strips him of an important piece of autonomy (whatâs more personal than our relationships?) and gets in the way of him learning to navigate the social world. If Cohen continues the friendship, even without my support, it creates a rift between us.
So, I decided that I needed to get to know the other child better and figure out what Cohen finds appealing about this friend. Most people have some likable qualities and discovering these might help me put my irritations in perspective. I try to keep in mind that children are constantly growing and changing, so the behaviors that annoyed me before may fade away as the friend matures.
Modeling Good Social Skills
Cohen doesnât have a lot of close friends at his school, maybe just a handful. So, Iâve found that laying compliments on thick for my sonâs friends who are well-mannered, responsible and kind, tends to be a successful tactic. This is part of those subliminal messages Iâm sending to his brain, so heâll start to feel that emotional reward deep inside his brain when heâs hanging around the âgoodâ kids (the ones I like) and will eventually – God-willing – start to be turned off by the other kids. Instead of discouraging playdates with the kid I donât like, I went out of my way to set up playdates with his friends that I do like. The goal here is to help Cohen nourish those positive friendships.
You donât necessarily have to love everyone who your child chooses to befriend, but by being a gracious host, you support your child and model good social skills. A side benefit is that you can keep an eye on things if you have concerns about the friendâs behavior. For example, if things start to get heated, you can diffuse tensions by asking, âWho wants a snack?â or âHow about going outside?â
If thereâs something that the other child does that annoys you, it may help to explain your rules. Different families have different ways of doing things, and itâs not fair to be angry at a child for failing to respect your rules when you havenât said anything, so he doesnât even know what those rules are. Fuming silently will cause your resentment to build and wonât change what the child does.
Listening To Your Gut
Lastly, I listen to my kids and my gut. I ask questions about their friends. Moms can pick up on the very slightest detail being off if weâll just listen. Cohen is such a sweetheart and has a good head on his shoulders, he needs to discover what friends work in his life. However, I set boundaries at our home to keep him safe, until heâs mature enough to loosen the reigns a bit and to make sure heâs showing kindness. He is smart enough to know that this friend has good qualities and bad qualities and likely knows better than to let those bad qualities rub off on him.
Ultimately, my goal is for my kids to make wise choices in their friendships.
Mallory Connelly
Babies & Toddlers
In addition to the time I devote to being a mom, I also work full-time outside the home, which means my day is hardly ever as simple as nine to five. With an all-too-established schedule, as soon as I walk through the door, my day doesnât end, but rather just begins. Itâs a balancing act, especially with two children, but being a mom is one full-time job that I never want to quit!